buniso
sorry
- Mar 16, 2021
- 2
Fuck. I have tried, seriously. I don't think anyone understands the extent of pain I feel sometimes. I am so tired of this, I tried finding so many fucking ways to avoid thinking of the last solution to everything. I was going to kill myself on October but I decided to wait some more because I thought that I may be happier soon somehow. To be honest, I just wish I went through with it. I just keep hurting myself by waiting for a nonexistent relief. I don't get it. I really fucking don't. I'm not going to victimize myself though, I am a completely shitty person. I created my own narcissistic tendencies that I learnt from my father to be able to feel safe and superior in relationships with people. Sometimes I competed with other women to be somebody's victim. I am a toxic person, but I've changed. I would like to think I am. Quite frankly, I don't think I deserve shitty treatment like what I've gone through. My first suicide attempt was when I was 12, and that was because my dad physically and sexually abused me. I was too young to even understand the concept of it, but I knew I was sad and I wanted to escape it. Now, I'm 19 and I'm killing myself over new added issues. I should've just died when I was 12 to avoid all of this. I ran away from home when I turned 18 to a girl who I thought would love me. It doesn't really seem like it if our entire relationship was full of abuse. Maybe I deserve it. I never really found a way to get myself into healthy relationships. A weird guy has also been stalking me online and threatening me. I don't want to deal with it. I know this is stupid. I know it's stupid to kill yourself over the smallest shit but I just genuinely can't take it anymore. Things just keep getting worse and worse and I simply don't want to deal with this all over again. I've been abused by so many men in my past and I will always blame my father for that. I never knew any better. Sometimes I seek the comfort of abusive relationships, I always find my way to the thrill of all those unexpected ups and downs. I like the excitement of waiting for a dead cold apology from the same familiar faces. It gives me the desire for more. I don't know any better than this. And like I said, this is my fault I'm stuck in the same cycle. I keep self sabotaging and being self destructive with my life. I am never liberated from the same hands that hurt me over and over again. I thought being in a relationship with a girl would've been different this time. It really wasn't lol. I am so resentful of other people's lives. It hurts lol. You know what I hate the most about this? I hate knowing that my siblings will never know why I did this. They will never understand why I wasn't happier than them after I ran away from the same abusive home they are in. I feel so fucking horrible. I want them to be happy I wanted them to look up to me and know that everything will be okay soon. My mom, who I feel bad for even if she was also abusive, makes me feel so much pity for the fact that I'll leave her once again. I just wish she could hold me one more time. I hate that feeling of "I miss my mom" everytime I'm having a bad day because I miss the idea of her that ceased to exist lol. I feel bad for my girlfriend because I know deep down she cares and wants to try. And I love her, and I hate that. I hate that I would've never been able to get over her. I really hate how BPD affects my brain. I don't know how to deal with this lol. I hate the fact that I will never love nor be loved normally. I feel so stupid to kill myself over something so nonsensical. I'm ordering SN soon and hopefully get this over with. I feel so shitty for everyone who I will hurt but I can't bring myself to suffer for them. Call me selfish or whatever I don't care. I can't keep fucking blinding my feelings with drugs or alcohol or stupid hang out days to make me forget I want to die for 5 minutes. I can't do this shit for the rest of my life because deep down I know I'll never be normal, I'll never feel okay. That dark deep void feeling will always be in the back of my head whether I am happy or not. I am stuck in a loop and I want to end it. I just feel so bad because I can't bring myself to stay alive for future plans I've made, nor can I stay alive for all the things I haven't done like finished reading my favorite manga lol. Oh well. It doesn't really matter. I can't bring myself to do any of it anyway lol. I hope my cat will be okay. I hope my family will be okay. Sorry again.
