シルエット
Member
- Oct 29, 2021
- 13
I am really done with living. Every single step of my life I have screwed something up. I have lost everything I had and I am just rotting inside my room all day doing absolutely nothing. I have no friends or people in my life that remotely care about me because they are all way to busy doing their thing. knowing damn well I am just sitting here in utter pain and suffering. The only person I thought that loved me and understood me turned her back on me. Only acting like she cares so that when I die it won't be on her conscious. It is a trend I have been seeing with almost every person I have ever seen. Humans are inherently selfish. Even that ones that would sacrifice their life for you. They only do it so they can get to feel like a good guy in their last moments. selfless acts make people feel good about themselves. Therefore they are never sincere. I am getting of track. I got kicked out of school and all the people I knew hate me now and think I am a manipulator. I want to say I don't blame them because it looked like I was. But I swear that I never had any manipulative intentions or actually did anything that manipulative next to telling people I wanted to kill myself. It really is embarrassing that I did not even go through with it after so many times of trying. the thought that I have wasted my teen years just destroys me, All the false hope I had from the one person I loved only made everything worse, I can't go one minute without thinking about how much I screwed up my life by not killing myself. I am planning on ctb soon. My biggest problem as of now is only gathering the money to do so and finding someone to be there with me when I do it. The second part will be hard to arrange because nobody gives enough shits about me. And the people that act like they do, Of course don't want that conscious on their hands (again not that I really blame it, Guilt is human nature after all). I am planning on using SN to ctb. I am still pretty scared If I am honest and I it makes me crazy thinking that that person I loved so much probably doesn't even care and is having a much better time. I know how screwed up that sounds. But I wished that person never promised me a happy future with her. Even then, It wouldn't have changed that much I think. I struggle with severe depression and anhedonia every day and it only gets worse by the day. I am so lonely and in hell that I feel like I can't even breath most of the time. I am desperate to die but It is really hard to do as you people probably already knew. I just turned 18 and I still live at home with my parents. I honestly don't care that much about them. They always thought that giving me money equals love and nurture. They never actually ever listened to me or trusted me ever. I am all alone and forever will be, until I die.
