I can't take it all anymore.

[k.mihaaa]

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to commit suicide so badly I can't do anything. I want to poison, hang, strangulate, suffocate myself or jump off. I just wish I could end it right in this moment, without any pain and immediate. I can't even put into words how much of an urge it is and wished people would respect other's choices and stop locking up suicidal people and labelling suicide as a crime/murder or selfish act. My chest aches whenever I remember I don't have any actual and proper control over my life and whether I am alive or not. People who say life will get better piss me off. People who can't see from another perspective piss me off. People who can't handle other's choices piss me off. Everyone pisses me off. Everything pisses me off and I hate all this bullshit. "There's someone who'd be sad if you died!!" I GET IT STOP GUILT TRIPPING ME I GET IT THAT THEY'D BE IN PAIN I'D ALSO BE BUT STOP SAYING THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to kill myself so badly I feel like I'll puke.

 

[Bishop]

Your body your choice.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I hear you.
This is literally the worst headspace to be in. The "dark cloud" which is all-consuming suicidality and self-hatred, blocking out any light or anything that tries to get through. It's so miserable.
I know you don't wish for betterment, or positivity, but I am (for better or worse) a serial optimist (despite the circumstance); so, I will say, despite everything, there is a bit of agency. We can choose the words we say, the faces we make, the foods we eat, a few things like this. It's not as much control as is nice, but it's something. It takes a little edge off to remember that, at least for me. I hope it can ease your pain in some degree.