Venting I can't survive a breakup right now

[sadworm]

my boyfriend of 4 years and I have broken up while I'm currently at the lowest point in my life I've ever been. I have friends, but I barely keep in touch with them and haven't seen most of them in 2-3 years, so it's not even nice to see them, just anxiety inducing. I don't want to have everybody ask what I've been up to and have nothing to say. it's torture. it's not fun or distracting, it just would make me miss him more because he was my best friend. I have no job and didn't finish highschool so I'm not in university like everybody else around me. I have nothing. he left me knowing I have nothing and nobody to turn to, not that it's his problem. I just never did that to him, I was with him at his lowest. I did absolutely everything I could to help him, and not to boast but I clearly did a decent job because now he's doing everything I told him he was capable of doing. but after all the effort and time I spent building him up I had nothing left for myself and have been neglecting myself for a long time. now he doesn't want to be with me. I have nothing left to give him now so I'm not any use to him anymore. but I don't know life without him anymore and I frankly don't wanna know what it's like. I showed up at his house and begged him to be with me but he still said no so it's really over. everything is over for me. I decided, if he takes me back I will start trying in my life and I'll get my shit together and get a job so I can have a life worth living with him someday, but if not I'll continue with my plan of killing myself later this month. unfortunately I have no choice but to kill myself since he does not want me anymore and I don't have the emotional or even physical strength really to survive a breakup right now. I have nothing to hold on to. he was all the joy I had. my life is worth nothing to me anymore. I don't want to search for something to give this shit meaning and I certainly don't have the energy for properly coping with a breakup since I don't know how. I had my first boyfriend at 14 and never got over him til I met the guy who just dumped me. I don't get over things, I just replace them. I was a slut at the age of 15 because I was trying to feel loved and didn't know how to get anybody to love me or pay any attention to me unless I gave them sex. that's just what being a teenage girl is like. when I met my recent ex it was the same thing, I slept with him to try to get him to like me except it actually worked for the first time. I guess that was probably my first mistake anyways. I've sabotaged my own life time and time again. I do not have the willpower to go through any of that again and I don't have the motivation to learn to do something different. if I don't kill myself I'll just drink myself to death and that's just slow and agonizing and stupid so I might as well get it over with while I have the opportunity when my mom leaves for a couple weeks. I don't care how stupid I sound in this also lol it's 4 am and I've been in distress all night so I probably don't even make sense

 

[Apathy79]

You're making sense. You made that relationship your whole world, the root of your identity. Now it's gone. What's left? It feels like nothing. It's not just a romantic partner but your primary social bond. You also have no idea how to deal with the emotional torment, which at your age feels more extreme than at any other time, at precisely the time you are least equipped to deal with it. It's a lot to get hit with at once.

I don't really have any advice. My method when I broke up with my fiance was a mix of distraction and just getting through each day focusing on one thing. For whatever that is worth. It doesn't sound inconceivable to me that if your life was worth living with him that you could find someone else that would make you feel the same way eventually. Most people don't end up with the partner they had in high school. But co-dependence, which is a trait that comes out strongly in your post, also feels like a trap to me - probably why I became a hermit instead - trying to emulate that feeling without the partner - so I don't have the answers here.

 

[bankai]

decided, if he takes me back I will start trying in my life and I'll get my shit together and get a job so I can have a life worth living with him someday, but if not I'll continue with my plan of killing myself later this month.

Why not start working at stuff? And then try to get him back later. If he's still not interested then just find someone else. You might be more fulfilled at that point of time as well with the stuff you have going on.This isn't just pointless advice. I've done it in my own life as well. In my 20s, I didn't really want to go to college or work. I somehow got my degree, started working, built a life for myself and now things are better. Things are better from that time. I'm not saying things are good, but they're far better from when I was younger. I am independent. I can buy nice stuff. I can travel. Of course, if you're sure you still want to catch the bus, by all means. Thing is, there are good men out there who will treat you nicely and respect you.What I'm not a fan of is people ending their life over another human being.Other people will always put themselves first. They will be selfish. And there's nothing wrong with that. They have the right to be. So you have to understand what that means. It means that they leave you at any time. This is a fact of life. Another person cannot be your raison d'etre.

@JesiBel you know where that word's from?

 

[sadworm]

You're making sense. You made that relationship your whole world, the root of your identity. Now it's gone. What's left? It feels like nothing. It's not just a romantic partner but your primary social bond. You also have no idea how to deal with the emotional torment, which at your age feels more extreme than at any other time, at precisely the time you are least equipped to deal with it. It's a lot to get hit with at once.

I don't really have any advice. My method when I broke up with my fiance was a mix of distraction and just getting through each day focusing on one thing. For whatever that is worth. It doesn't sound inconceivable to me that if your life was worth living with him that you could find someone else that would make you feel the same way eventually. Most people don't end up with the partner they had in high school. But co-dependence, which is a trait that comes out strongly in your post, also feels like a trap to me - probably why I became a hermit instead - trying to emulate that feeling without the partner - so I don't have the answers here.

yes I'm definitely co-dependent at this point and the world is so terrifying alone. I was already a hermit even before he broke up with me, but either way I understand how you ended up in that situation because I'm right there with you lol . thank you for the empathetic words, i can't imagine any advice or answers that could even help me at this point so I don't really ask for any, I just value knowing that there's other people out there that understand how I feel.

Why not start working at stuff? And then try to get him back later. If he's still not interested then just find someone else. You might be more fulfilled at that point of time as well with the stuff you have going on.This isn't just pointless advice. I've done it in my own life as well. In my 20s, I didn't really want to go to college or work. I somehow got my degree, started working, built a life for myself and now things are better. Things are better from that time. I'm not saying things are good, but they're far better from when I was younger. I am independent. I can buy nice stuff. I can travel. Of course, if you're sure you still want to catch the bus, by all means. Thing is, there are good men out there who will treat you nicely and respect you.What I'm not a fan of is people ending their life over another human being.Other people will always put themselves first. They will be selfish. And there's nothing wrong with that. They have the right to be. So you have to understand what that means. It means that they leave you at any time. This is a fact of life. Another person cannot be your raison d'etre.

@JesiBel you know where that word's from?

i don't disagree with anything you're saying, and I understand all of it and it does seem like good advice for some people, but I can't just go find someone else to fill the void. when I try that it just makes me miss him more because everybody sucks to me. and he's not necessarily the reason why i want to kill myself because that's been a thing my entire life, I just am super mentally unstable in general right now and dealing with the emotions involved in a breakup is far too much for me right now. I don't know if I have the energy to try to do anything with my life with or without him really, I guess I'm kinda just viewing the situation as another reason to give up. choosing to use whatever he said as a factor in my life or death was kinda spontaneous, but my reasoning is I've already been struggling to decide what to do, and decided to use his response to me as a coin flip if you get what I mean lmfao