Discussion I can’t stop going back and forth

[iwashere]

Honestly these days I'm just arguing with myself in my head over what I want. On one hand, I'll tell myself that's the silliest thing I could've ever thought and that I'm so happy I didn't decide to ctb, then right as that sentence crosses my brain i go "ugh, it would just be so much easier if i went to the tower tonight and jumped." i spend 75% of my time planning and thinking about my suicide and the other 25 trying to convince myself maybe I don't to because imagine making everybody sad.

 

[simonttt]

Same here. I'm constantly having 2 opposite goals : destroy myself little by little / doing efforts that I'm supposed to do to get better. Can't do just one, it's the 2 in the same time

 

[TBONTB]

Honestly these days I'm just arguing with myself in my head over what I want. On one hand, I'll tell myself that's the silliest thing I could've ever thought and that I'm so happy I didn't decide to ctb, then right as that sentence crosses my brain i go "ugh, it would just be so much easier if i went to the tower tonight and jumped." i spend 75% of my time planning and thinking about my suicide and the other 25 trying to convince myself maybe I don't to because imagine making everybody sad.

That sounds so hard, I'll bet you'd like to quiet your thoughts. What would it be like if you told yourself you would try one life endorsing thing before you considered it more? A counselor, a fun outing with friends, finishing the quarter at school? Just asking your mind to take a little time out, and you'll get back to it later? Just an idea.

 

[iwashere]

Same here. I'm constantly having 2 opposite goals : destroy myself little by little / doing efforts that I'm supposed to do to get better. Can't do just one, it's the 2 in the same time

it's so weird because i know this is what i want, this feeling always returns by the end of the day. but because of those brief moments of me second guessing what i actually want, which i'm assuming is the SI, it has me under the impression that Im trying to force myself to want to ctb when that's not the case. this is why i need one more triggering moment so that SI can be ignored.

 

[ashendreams]

i totally get it. its like half of me wants to live and the other half wants to die and theyre both shouting over each other all the time. so i just end up sitting around not doing anything to achieve either one