scaredalone
Thrust from the void
- Jul 3, 2024
- 13
I have DPDR, which is a dissociative condition and I've been like this for 4 years now.
I am completely disconnected from reality, my memories, everything. Emotions. I cry but I can't even fully feal the extent of the despair.
What's worse, I have constant thoughts about free will, about our genetic predeterminism. As much as there are people I truly love, I can't help but see them and myself as nothing more than propelled creatures born into the void with little real control over their outcomes.
I used to be at a point where I would question every action that would come about, was this predestined? Am I control? What is control? Who am I?
The complete loss of any connection to my body, voice, memories only further compounds this intense fear and despair about the nature of reality. Not just that but over the past 4 years I had become obsessed with evolutionary biology and its effects on male psychology, on how it created this deep sense of yearning and compulsion that was inborn.
I was able to remove this with drugs.... it's a long story altogether. In trying to understand reality I've understood nothing really and only found myself totally traumatised, ruined both cognitively and emotionally. I pray for death, but a peaceful one, which is expensive and requires time to prepare for. But even then I'm trapped between the desire for release and the begging to live a normal life. Enjoying, blissful, ignorant.
Psychologically cushioned until death. What can I do? Do I have any control at all?
I need saving if it's even possible, but no one can not even myself.
I am completely disconnected from reality, my memories, everything. Emotions. I cry but I can't even fully feal the extent of the despair.
What's worse, I have constant thoughts about free will, about our genetic predeterminism. As much as there are people I truly love, I can't help but see them and myself as nothing more than propelled creatures born into the void with little real control over their outcomes.
I used to be at a point where I would question every action that would come about, was this predestined? Am I control? What is control? Who am I?
The complete loss of any connection to my body, voice, memories only further compounds this intense fear and despair about the nature of reality. Not just that but over the past 4 years I had become obsessed with evolutionary biology and its effects on male psychology, on how it created this deep sense of yearning and compulsion that was inborn.
I was able to remove this with drugs.... it's a long story altogether. In trying to understand reality I've understood nothing really and only found myself totally traumatised, ruined both cognitively and emotionally. I pray for death, but a peaceful one, which is expensive and requires time to prepare for. But even then I'm trapped between the desire for release and the begging to live a normal life. Enjoying, blissful, ignorant.
Psychologically cushioned until death. What can I do? Do I have any control at all?
I need saving if it's even possible, but no one can not even myself.
