I can’t stop crying and I feel so pathetic.

[askmeifimatree]

I met someone on here a few months ago, and talking to them quickly became the highlight of my day. I hadn't left my house in weeks, but I would always feel excited to spend time with them.
It became an obsession, and she slowly became my entire source of happiness. It got to the point where I was genuinely trying to change my life and get better. More than anything, I just wanted to see her happy.I hated myself so much that the only way I knew how to feel loved was through acts of service,through doing things for her and seeing her smile.

A few days ago I got really messed up on benzos and some other medications, and I ended up saying horrible things and lashing out at her. I honestly don't remember most of it. It feels like I blacked out for two days. Now I'm blocked everywhere, and not being able to reach out or apologise to her feels agonising. I can't even put into words how much she meant to me, it wasn't just love. She was the gentlest person I'd ever met. Around her, I felt at ease. I felt peaceful.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, maybe since I was 19. But this is the worst it's ever been. I feel reckless and impulsive. I sent countless emails and messages, but none of them reached her.And as pathetic as it sounds, I feel like I'm falling apart over someone who probably barely thinks about me anymore.

Even crying doesn't comfort me anymore. The thought of dying scares me. I have my unsealed SN pack in front of me, it's like a small brick, honestly you could kill someone with it.

I am sorry for all the things I have said. I promise I do not remember them.

I ABSOLUETELY ADORE YOU MARIA! YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON.
I am really sorry. I will always love you and hope we meet again someday.

I love you." I really, really, really love you so much. With reckless ambition, with boundless contrition; bearing the weight of my guilt and sins, yet unwilling to give up; selfishly, desperately, ardently, hungrily—I love you.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Considering how recent this is she probably just needs space. Don't do anything reckless and impulsive.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I've felt the same towards someone and ruined it too. I regretted what I said so bad. There's nothing I think that can comfort you much. It's really hard to deal with this. It's so painful for you i can see easily. I wish you the best I hope she gets back to you

 

[enjoytheride]

We do our best to give the best version of ourselves to the people we like or love and respect. Being human as we are means no matter how hard we try, perfect storms can come around and inadvertently we can slip and fail to give that best version of ourselves. It has happened to me in the past. It has happened to most people. It is not something that inherently defines us and I hope that Maria, after having enough time to reflect on this and see the bigger picture, understands this and gives another chance to your friendship.

I hope things work out! Don't give up on yourself.

 

[askmeifimatree]

We do our best to give the best version of ourselves to the people we like or love and respect. Being human as we are means no matter how hard we try, perfect storms can come around and inadvertently we can slip and fail to give that best version of ourselves. It has happened to me in the past. It has happened to most people. It is not something that inherently defines us and I hope that Maria, after having enough time to reflect on this and see the bigger picture, understands this and gives another chance to your friendship.

I hope things work out! Don't give up on yourself.

Thank you for your kind message. I think she's given up on me, and now I'm left holding onto this small, probably delusional hope that somehow things could still change. I would do anything just to hear her voice one more time.
As pathetic as it may sound, she was the first person I had hugged in a very long time, and it felt unbelievably comforting. I miss the little things the most,lying on the grass with her, feeling close to someone again.
There are still so many things I want to say to her, but I don't see the point anymore. She'll probably never read them.

 

[enjoytheride]

You are most welcome, my dear. I know it feels like the pain won't diminish and that something is broken for good. But the reality is that the pain does diminish with time, if you give yourself enough time, and clarity does also come with time and compassion for ourselves. Nothing is broken for good - you have the honour and dignity to ask for forgiveness, understanding and to have reached out admitting your mistakes. That is honourable. Please, give yourself a break. And as bl33ding_heart mentioned, given that it is recent, she probably needs time (to process everything and arrive at balance again).