Venting I can’t stand this any longer

[Sammie_com.sanrio]

Istg if another small inconvenience comes my way I'm going to die. I'm glad some of you are willing to be kind to read all this and actually letting me vent. The other day I tried to vent to someone I thought I could trust and once I did I scared them off and no longer talks to me. I told someone else I could trust and I hate them now because they're so pro lifer, I told them and they're like "oh you should get a therapist or something" and it's so annoying because I've tried getting help and I gave up so I don't need it anymore because I know I'm going to die soon. I keep trying and I just can't seem to. It's been 375 attempts and somehow I'm still alive. I'm just hoping by next year I have money saved up and a good excuse to buy SN if not I'll just hang. Before my dream was to find someone to do double ctb with but I guess I'm just gonna do it alone. I feel bad for pushing away people that actually care about me, and the ones I care about don't really like me. I sleep 3 hours and end up tired and my mother nags me for being lazy and stupid and not using my head, so I constantly take multiple pills everyday just hoping one day I'll acidentally od and just stop burdening her. When I eat too much because I'm happy she tells me I'm being greedy and a waste of food, and when I don't she gets angry and says I'm being dramatic so I only eat pills and water. I only have one friend I really care for and barely get to spend time with them and I don't go out much because my parents are so strict. I get reprimanded for every single thing I like, or anything I do. Even when it's my greatest achievement I never get any praise only "you could do better" or "It's not good enough" and every mistake is pointed out even when ive done something really good. I'm also failing classes because even though I know there's work I'll do it and forget about it and let it pile up. Lately I'd been thinking about getting free will back and killing everyone I love so "feelings" won't hold me back. But then I feel like it's not them that's the problem it's me and instead I shouldn't give up and just keep trying to die.

 

[puella]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now.

I'm here for you. If you want someone to vent to who will actually listen, someone to give you the praise you deserve, someone to care about you, or anything else.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Istg if another small inconvenience comes my way I'm going to die. I'm glad some of you are willing to be kind to read all this and actually letting me vent. The other day I tried to vent to someone I thought I could trust and once I did I scared them off and no longer talks to me. I told someone else I could trust and I hate them now because they're so pro lifer, I told them and they're like "oh you should get a therapist or something" and it's so annoying because I've tried getting help and I gave up so I don't need it anymore because I know I'm going to die soon. I keep trying and I just can't seem to. It's been 375 attempts and somehow I'm still alive. I'm just hoping by next year I have money saved up and a good excuse to buy SN if not I'll just hang. Before my dream was to find someone to do double ctb with but I guess I'm just gonna do it alone. I feel bad for pushing away people that actually care about me, and the ones I care about don't really like me. I sleep 3 hours and end up tired and my mother nags me for being lazy and stupid and not using my head, so I constantly take multiple pills everyday just hoping one day I'll acidentally od and just stop burdening her. When I eat too much because I'm happy she tells me I'm being greedy and a waste of food, and when I don't she gets angry and says I'm being dramatic so I only eat pills and water. I only have one friend I really care for and barely get to spend time with them and I don't go out much because my parents are so strict. I get reprimanded for every single thing I like, or anything I do. Even when it's my greatest achievement I never get any praise only "you could do better" or "It's not good enough" and every mistake is pointed out even when ive done something really good. I'm also failing classes because even though I know there's work I'll do it and forget about it and let it pile up. Lately I'd been thinking about getting free will back and killing everyone I love so "feelings" won't hold me back. But then I feel like it's not them that's the problem it's me and instead I shouldn't give up and just keep trying to die.

It's both annoying and soul-destroying when people invalidate our suffering.
All they do is belittle us without even making any attempt to understand our pain.
The usual crap they come out with such as "go and see a doctor " or " snap out of it " etc is of no use whatsoever.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrifying going through that many failed attempts, it disgusts me how we exist in this world where we cannot easily just cease existing in peace, I also cannot stand those pro-life people, they just create more suffering with their insensitivity. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Ailashan]

Istg if another small inconvenience comes my way I'm going to die. I'm glad some of you are willing to be kind to read all this and actually letting me vent. The other day I tried to vent to someone I thought I could trust and once I did I scared them off and no longer talks to me. I told someone else I could trust and I hate them now because they're so pro lifer, I told them and they're like "oh you should get a therapist or something" and it's so annoying because I've tried getting help and I gave up so I don't need it anymore because I know I'm going to die soon. I keep trying and I just can't seem to. It's been 375 attempts and somehow I'm still alive. I'm just hoping by next year I have money saved up and a good excuse to buy SN if not I'll just hang. Before my dream was to find someone to do double ctb with but I guess I'm just gonna do it alone. I feel bad for pushing away people that actually care about me, and the ones I care about don't really like me. I sleep 3 hours and end up tired and my mother nags me for being lazy and stupid and not using my head, so I constantly take multiple pills everyday just hoping one day I'll acidentally od and just stop burdening her. When I eat too much because I'm happy she tells me I'm being greedy and a waste of food, and when I don't she gets angry and says I'm being dramatic so I only eat pills and water. I only have one friend I really care for and barely get to spend time with them and I don't go out much because my parents are so strict. I get reprimanded for every single thing I like, or anything I do. Even when it's my greatest achievement I never get any praise only "you could do better" or "It's not good enough" and every mistake is pointed out even when ive done something really good. I'm also failing classes because even though I know there's work I'll do it and forget about it and let it pile up. Lately I'd been thinking about getting free will back and killing everyone I love so "feelings" won't hold me back. But then I feel like it's not them that's the problem it's me and instead I shouldn't give up and just keep trying to die.

I got the same issues with my mom, i know how it feels like to meet nothing but excpectations from your parents, no matter what you do. Despite going to the gym, practicing MMA and doing well in school i just got that kind of mother who will always find something more to expect from me. Due to this i just decided to give up everything (except MMA) and i know that im going to ctb so i dont have any pressure on my shoulders anymore. I just do what i like to do, without trying to please anyone. I think you should do the same, you'll see everything will get better. hugs as well :)