gloomycatboy
New Member
- Jan 21, 2026
- 2
i didnt think i was so attached to them or reliant on them for my mental stability but man. they died last august from an accidental overdose due to med interactions and i've been so horribly depressed and suicidal since. when they died i had quite a lot of codeine around left over from a surgery and god i wish id had the courage to take it all then rather than wasting it on getting mildly high for several months. i took an ssri overdose last month and basically chickened/freaked out after i took it and went to hospital even though nothing even fucking ended up happening to me apart from some mild serotonin syndrome symptoms and feeling kind of high and dissociated from it. i'm glad i went because i finally got access to slightly more than Basic mental health support but even with it and a switch in meds bc my previous ones weren't helping, i still feel So horrendous and awful and suicidal. i keep telling professionals that i don't think i'm a danger to myself right now genuinely believing it as i say it, but then i keep looking up toxicity indices of different medications and how to hang myself and where the tallest places to jump from are in my area. i bought a load of paracetamol the other day and i have enough to cause myself serious damage, and even though i know it would be stupid and almost certainly not fatal, i feel like that suffering is something i'd deserve even if i don't fucking die from it. i'm also considering trying to find a dealer who could supply me with opiates, given that'd probably be my best option to Actually die and i live in a city so i'd definitely be able to find Something. unfortunately it seems i'm too much of a coward for that at the moment because i know dealers but not opiate dealers and i think if i asked Anyone i know currently about it they would definitely not be willing to help me find someone. i'm too much of a coward for basically every fucking method and i hate it and i feel like such a stupid fuckup
