Venting I can’t live with myself

[ineryia]

Everyday I live fills me with nothing. I can't see a future of me living past my teenage years. Every single decision I've made has lead up to this point and I can't help but regret it all. Everything. I hate the way I feel and am envious of the way the people around me are able to do things so easily and be happy. I've lost my motivation to do a lot of basic things I once had a push for. I spend most of my days sleeping because I hate the time I spend awake. Even when I'm outside doing things, I can't get any real joy out of it. Knowing that when I'm alone at the end of the day, I'll end up feeling the same exact way no matter what. I just wish someone could truly see how I feel, but it's not like it matters. I even used to cut myself and not hide the marks just to get the attention of maybe someone and show them what I'm going through. But now I can't stop cutting myself, everywhere, even when the smallest of things happen I just get the urge to do it. Even if someone were to understand the way I felt, I'd still feel the same way. Everyone has their own problems and your problems are yours to deal with. What makes me the most angry is knowing that everyday I live, I'll always feel the exact same nothingness at the end of it all. I get mad and annoyed at myself because I feel this way. i don't want to be here anymore, I'm tired of living and having to deal with myself. I'm ashamed of myself for wanting to commit. But I can't see the point of being here much longer than I need to.