I can’t. I am going to completely break down.

[kurisutinabestgirl]

I was going to a psychologist since summer, since I opened up about my situation to my mother back then.
Needless to say, it was useless, all the psychologist did was invalidate me, and give me commands like "Go try to socialize" or "Try to find things you enjoy in life" the kind of stuff that makes me crawl on the wall.

I finally got my mother to cancel. Even though in the last few appointments I made perfect lies to ensure that I've got better, this psychologist told my mother that I am in a very bad situation and now my mother is worried.

And cherry on top, someone I know who noticed self harm scars on my arms has been nagging my mom that I need to go to therapy.

Even though I am keeping up the perfect "happy" act in front of her, because of these people she is know worried.

And since I want to ctb no matter what, I have to lie to her and literally gaslight or manipulate her into believing it's all fine. And this is probably going to make my ctb's impact on her so much harder.

I can't. I want to scream. They are trying to force me to live, while I have to witness my mother feeling bad even before my ctb.

I wish I wasn't so conscious about anything around me, such as the impact of my ctb on everyone, if I was, I would've already done it. I hope one day I will finally be able to. I have everything to do so after all.

Also, sorry for the long and dreadful post, I really don't wanna look for pity or waste anyone's time, I just can't share this anywhere else, even if no one sees this, at least I could talk about this issue without pro life gaslighting.

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody should be in a position where they feel like they are forced to live. We all have a right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, and nobody else has any say in it, it is our life, our decision. It sounds stressful what you are going through, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[kurisutinabestgirl]

Nobody should be in a position where they feel like they are forced to live. We all have a right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, and nobody else has any say in it, it is our life, our decision. It sounds stressful what you are going through, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Having to lie is awful to me, I don't like that I turned into a liar and almost unconsciously lie to keep the façade that I want to. Is not right and brings additional dread and guilt that I don't need. I really want to get this weight off me and be open about everything and see where does it take me but I'm sure I might regret it.

I can not imagine the weight you have on you right now, with your mother and all those situation...

I wish you the best.

 

[kurisutinabestgirl]

Having to lie is awful to me, I don't like that I turned into a liar and almost unconsciously lie to keep the façade that I want to. Is not right and brings additional dread and guilt that I don't need. I really want to get this weight off me and be open about everything and see where does it take me but I'm sure I might regret it.

I can not imagine the weight you have on you right now, with your mother and all those situation...

I wish you the best.

Thank you. I really hate lying too, I wish there was a world where we wouldn't have to lie about these issues…

 

[toforigivelife]

God. You are in a tough situation.

Pressed between this idiot psychologist and your family and wanting to cbt.

This has to be very rough for you.

I wish you had a safe place to go. Someone to turn to who could give you safe harbor.

I'm so sorry for what you have to endure.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Go try to socialize" or "Try to find things you enjoy in life"

Oh I got that too from psychologist, they are really clueless sometimes most of the time. I am sorry that your situation is so terrible and tight. I lied so many times about my mental health. Almost daily. I cannot do anything else at that point. I just want peace, not strife... sorry I talk about myself too much.

Maybe you should put indifferent face. It is hard to expect you to be happy all the time, maybe just bored tired face will do for now. It looks less suspicious and is easier to fake, maybe it is honest, and it is easier to explain- I am tired, I haven't sleep well. Gives you possible deniability, that what I do when people ask "me how are you?"

Also, sorry for the long and dreadful post, I really don't wanna look for pity or waste anyone's time,

It is not that long, besides It was good to hear from you and maybe even relate to you a bit.

 

[kurisutinabestgirl]

God. You are in a tough situation.

Pressed between this idiot psychologist and your family and wanting to cbt.

This has to be very rough for you.

I wish you had a safe place to go. Someone to turn to who could give you safe harbor.

I'm so sorry for what you have to endure.

Thank you. Hopefully, ctb will be the thing I will be turning to for peace.

 

[kurisutinabestgirl]

Oh I got that too from psychologist, they are really clueless sometimes most of the time. I am sorry that your situation is so terrible and tight. I lied so many times about my mental health. Almost daily. I cannot do anything else at that point. I just want peace, not strife... sorry I talk about myself too much.

Maybe you should put indifferent face. It is hard to expect you to be happy all the time, maybe just bored tired face will do for now. It looks less suspicious and is easier to fake, maybe it is honest, and it is easier to explain- I am tired, I haven't sleep well. Gives you possible deniability, that what I do when people ask "me how are you?"

It is not that long, besides It was good to hear from you and maybe even relate to you a bit.

You don't have to apologize, you didn't talk about yourself too much, you just mentioned why you also relate, which honestly I am glad to hear that someone experienced something similar.

For the bored and tired face, I either act that way, or put on the happy mask, but sadly it's not enough right now because of the stupid psychologist terrorizing my mother. Maybe she will calm down and the tired face method will work again hopefully.

Thank you, it feels good to relate with someone.