Venting i can't get rid of it

[shotgun]

I hate my thoughts so fucking much. I can't get rid of them. I went to different psychologists and psychiatrists. They all tell me it's going to get better, especially since I've been "getting better" but the thing is i always lie about it. I still cut myself, my suicide date is still set, although the thing is I'm not sad. I'm angry. I'm so pissed off constantly. I'm not killing myself because of the emptiness I constantly feel I'm killing myself to make sure I don't hurt others physically.

I can't stop fantasising about the day I'm supposed to commit. It's the day before my birthday, I spend my time a few friends. I give them a letter and tell them to open it after 1am. Preferably 1:41, the time I was born, but I don't tell them that. At 1am, I get everything ready. I take my father's handicapped sister, her being the reason my mother and I are in so much pain. I slit her throat and stab her multiple times. Then, I go in the forest that's close to my house. I snort a line to get some courage then hang myself right then and there, leaving all the anger I have inside that house.

It's so fucking embarrassing thinking like this. I'm so disgusted by myself but I can't stop my thoughts. I slit my wrist as an alternative, and I'm reminding myself that If I just go and hang myself without the murder part it'll be fine, but I can't stop it.

The thing is I most likely won't hurt anyone. I get scared for no fucking reason, scared of what I'll do, when in reality I'll get so desperate to kill myself that I'll forget about the murder entirely.

 

[okuhvtuji]

sorry if this is too personal, what did your father's sister do? wouldn't it be better to expose her in a suicide letter if she did something wrong?

 

[shotgun]

sorry if this is too personal, what did your father's sister do? wouldn't it be better to expose her in a suicide letter if she did something wrong?

i can't really mention what she usually does but it's constantly killing me inside. No matter how much proof I have my father will forever see her as a saint, meaning that even exposing her in suicide notes won't convince him. It's been driving me insane for years.

 

[okuhvtuji]

i can't really mention what she usually does but it's constantly killing me inside. No matter how much proof I have my father will forever see her as a saint, meaning that even exposing her in suicide notes won't convince him. It's been driving me insane for years.

What about leaving a message on a social network? Or calling the police before ctb? sorry if I insist I don't want you to be painted as a killer if you are a victim

 

[ur8ndom]

Can't you just get out of there and start a new life? Have you tried meditation to get distance from your thoughts? Did you try exercising or doing marshall arts to get over the aggression?