Help i cant fight it anymore

[nomorefight]

all I want to do is walk in my bathroom and take every pill in there. I never thought I would ctb on impulse but my brain won't stop. I once promised my roommate that she would never be the one to find me (she found her sister during her first attempt) but I am laying here and it hurts so bad and it wont stop and it never stops and it would be so easy and i could just be done and I know I shouldn't because it's not fair to her and I don't think she would ever forgive me but its been too much and I don;t know what to do and I know going and taking every pill might not even be successful and my note isn't ready and nothing is ready but idk how to stop myself at this point or if I want to stop myself because I have had moments like this before but never this strong and everyone would hate me for doing it and my parents would feel guilty and it would only increase everyone's anger but I need help and relief and there is none

this is the realest it has ever felt and i have no one. absolutely no one

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Can you do anything to break what's happening now, like a brisk walk or run? Just a total change of scenery for a bit?

 

[LMLN]

I agree. Is there something you can do to make it through today? And have more time to think about this?

 

[nomorefight]

Can you do anything to break what's happening now, like a brisk walk or run? Just a total change of scenery for a bit?

I am sick and on bed rest

 

[SuiSqueeze92]

Maybe this will give you a laugh at least :)

 

[fantasy_function]

i have a plan but my head starts running like this, too, and i just think what's the fucking point of waiting another fucking day. i get it. if ur at all hesitant--which i'm assuming u are, just a bit if nothing else --then i would give some weight 2 the things that are holding u back. as in--why is now the wrong time? what kind of unfinished business do/would u have? did u do everything u wanted 2 do that was within ur capability? things like that. i kno it's hard 2 think when ur head starts running like that, tho, and being on bed rest prob makes u feel like shit on top of everything else. take it easy as best as u can

 

[Luchs]

all I want to do is walk in my bathroom and take every pill in there. I never thought I would ctb on impulse but my brain won't stop. I once promised my roommate that she would never be the one to find me (she found her sister during her first attempt) but I am laying here and it hurts so bad and it wont stop and it never stops and it would be so easy and i could just be done and I know I shouldn't because it's not fair to her and I don't think she would ever forgive me but its been too much and I don;t know what to do and I know going and taking every pill might not even be successful and my note isn't ready and nothing is ready but idk how to stop myself at this point or if I want to stop myself because I have had moments like this before but never this strong and everyone would hate me for doing it and my parents would feel guilty and it would only increase everyone's anger but I need help and relief and there is none

this is the realest it has ever felt and i have no one. absolutely no one

Don't do pills, they are notoriously unreliable. I hope that you find your way and that, should you ctb, you can do it with a clear conscience and without guilt.

Thinking about others before yourself in the way that you do is a mark of a good person.

 

[nomorefight]

update: my roommate heard me crying and came in and talked through things with me and shes gonna sleep in my room tonight

 

[fantasy_function]

happy 2 hear that, n ur roommate sounds like a caring person. did talking things thru help @ all

 

[nomorefight]

happy 2 hear that, n ur roommate sounds like a caring person. did talking things thru help @ all

it calmed me down for the night but it doesn't solve any of the problems. i'm pretty sure its happening soon. once i figure out the where.

Don't do pills, they are notoriously unreliable. I hope that you find your way and that, should you ctb, you can do it with a clear conscience and without guilt.

Thinking about others before yourself in the way that you do is a mark of a good person.

my entire family would disagree. all i am to the is a problem, no matter what I do I disappoint because i cant just be "normal".

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@nomorefight, "normal" is my mom's favorite word, followed only by "should." Fuck both those words imo. They're so often used to negate.

 

[nomorefight]

honestly Im so tired of having to be alive for other people. I dont want my parents to feel guilty, my siblings to resent me, my friends regretting xyz, or to have to have someone explain to my 5 year old sister why Im gone. I don't want to hear that suicide is selfish anymore. if any of these people truly loved me they would understand that I am in SO much pain that the benefit of the outcome outweighs the cost. It is selfish of them to be upset with me. but I guess it won't matter because I won't know because I'll be dead. but the thought of being unsuccessful... ending up in a psych ward. I worked in one of those over the summer. it is inhumane. refusing patients showers, forcing meals, no trust. I would never be trusted again if I failed

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would never be trusted again if I failed

Sounds like you're already negated anyway. Doesn't seem like you're seen for who you are or trusted to define for yourself your own experience. Seems like it would be good to have some distance from your family and individuate as an adult for a while, make your own decisions, make your own mistakes, experience your own successes, and not tell them anything about any of it. As you grow in self-confidence and self-respect, it won't matter what they think of you because you'll have a foundation that doesn't rely on them. Then they can either learn to accept and respect you as an autonomous adult, or they'll have to deal with the consequences of not being able to be as close to you if they can't deal. It's time they start earning your respect and trust and not the other way around.

Those are just my opinions. I wish I'd done things like that years earlier.

I was frustrated and enmeshed with my parents, always focusing on trying to get through to them, telling them way too much about my personal life, my mother always getting emotionally involved in my decisions that had nothing to do with my parents at all, just living my own damn life, and using emotional blackmail to try to control me. I had a therapist in my late twenties who helped me make some progress. She said it was better and emotionally healthy to individuate in one's early twenties. She gave me a personal example. She told me her father had been really judgmental, and it got back to him something she did around that age in her personal life, and he started going off on her about it. She cut him off and told him, "This subject is not open for conversation."

 

[Meowkin]

all I want to do is walk in my bathroom and take every pill in there. I never thought I would ctb on impulse but my brain won't stop. I once promised my roommate that she would never be the one to find me (she found her sister during her first attempt) but I am laying here and it hurts so bad and it wont stop and it never stops and it would be so easy and i could just be done and I know I shouldn't because it's not fair to her and I don't think she would ever forgive me but its been too much and I don;t know what to do and I know going and taking every pill might not even be successful and my note isn't ready and nothing is ready but idk how to stop myself at this point or if I want to stop myself because I have had moments like this before but never this strong and everyone would hate me for doing it and my parents would feel guilty and it would only increase everyone's anger but I need help and relief and there is none

this is the realest it has ever felt and i have no one. absolutely no one

I'm sorry for your pain and that it's led you to this point.