rayisnothereyet
Member
- May 9, 2023
- 5
i don't know why i'm writing all this, but im thinking about it now. does anyone else feel like this?
when i was younger, a long time ago it feels now, i was so hopeful about my future. in elementary school, i'd talk about it with my best friend fondly. about what we wanted to do. about when we'd get out of the hell that was our lives. i had it bad but she had it worse than i. but to talk to her felt like being at home. then
i thought that i would do so well in highschool, thought i'd meet so many great friends and do all the things you're supposed to do then. thought i'd end up going to an art school, spend my days in a studio, all to work towards having my own little apartment in a beautiful city and spend all day working a fun job i like. my teachers had always told me i showed great potential back then, i'd read huge novels and impress them with my vocabulary and knowledge of history, how i loved it.
but in middle school, i started to get bad. my mind started to...twist? im not sure how to describe it. but i started to think of ending it. a lot had happened in my childhood and at that point i felt like ending it, but it wasn't a thought that was always in the front of my brain, just hidden away like in a deep dark cabinet. i was 10-11 then. my grades started to get worse and i nearly had to repeat the 8th grade, but i didn't because of covid and everything. but no one knew what was going on. they just thought i was stupid or goofing off or something like that. i went on to high school and my depression got worse. but i didn't know how bad i'd get. my freshman year i was out nearly all of a month and i couldn't catch up with my grades. i got sick with covid, i was so so sick then. but my brain was even worse. i would spend all day in bed, barely could breathe, barely could get to the bathroom, everything ached constantly, my throat hurt like hell. and my depression then didn't help either. i discovered much music i love until this day then, though. that was something good that came of it. but my sophomore year wasn't any better. every winter from 8th grade forward, i'd get so terribly depressed. but sophomore year i was the worst i'd ever been. i woke up everyday, literally almost in tears, just by waking up. i'd cut myself. i didn't even care to wipe the blood off or bandage it or anything, just letting it soak into my sleeves. so naturally i didn't care for school much. i skipped a lot that winter, staying at my friend's house. that same friend from elementary school. we'd go to the park together. it was so cold then. but she kept me so warm. we'd drink together in her attic. she'd hold me in her attic. it was a small piece of heaven. but that was the only thing i had keeping me going. i got so sick that year too once. my cuts got infected. i told no one. they would ooze disgusting yellow shit. i was hoping so badly that it would take me.
all of this to say, i barely passed high school. i didn't do anything of the things you're supposed to do in high school. i didn't go to dances or parties or meet a grand group of friends who you go out to do things with, i didn't get good grades, i didn't study. and now that i'm out, now that i some how made it out, i feel so useless.
i'm in community college now. i never imagined myself here. and now this shit is killing me. the feeling of failing my parents, the fact that even fucking community college is difficult for me gets to my head so badly. i can't get a job. i've applied to so many fucking places. i don't want to be a burden on my parents. not at all. i want to work so i can make enough money to pay for my own fucking funeral so i don't leave them with a huge burden. that's really all i ever was. i feel so bad for them, they had so much hope for me and i ruined everything. i can't even do anything right. i feel like im fucking suffocating, like im drowning. i really cannot go on like this and i don't know what to do. i feel so fucking stupid. all i ever wanted was to be loved, really. and i've never felt that way. i wanted the warm warm feeling, to feel like everyone else does. whenever i talk to anyone at all, i feel like an alien wearing a human mask, trying desperately to talk and act the way others do. all ive ever done is just wear masks around others it feels like. so they'd like me. i make up personalities and traits that whatever person i'm talking to i'd feel would like. i've never shown anyone my real self because i don't know what the fuck i am. im not sure what else to say so i'll end it here. i wonder if anyone can relate to this feeling, what do you call it?
when i was younger, a long time ago it feels now, i was so hopeful about my future. in elementary school, i'd talk about it with my best friend fondly. about what we wanted to do. about when we'd get out of the hell that was our lives. i had it bad but she had it worse than i. but to talk to her felt like being at home. then
i thought that i would do so well in highschool, thought i'd meet so many great friends and do all the things you're supposed to do then. thought i'd end up going to an art school, spend my days in a studio, all to work towards having my own little apartment in a beautiful city and spend all day working a fun job i like. my teachers had always told me i showed great potential back then, i'd read huge novels and impress them with my vocabulary and knowledge of history, how i loved it.
but in middle school, i started to get bad. my mind started to...twist? im not sure how to describe it. but i started to think of ending it. a lot had happened in my childhood and at that point i felt like ending it, but it wasn't a thought that was always in the front of my brain, just hidden away like in a deep dark cabinet. i was 10-11 then. my grades started to get worse and i nearly had to repeat the 8th grade, but i didn't because of covid and everything. but no one knew what was going on. they just thought i was stupid or goofing off or something like that. i went on to high school and my depression got worse. but i didn't know how bad i'd get. my freshman year i was out nearly all of a month and i couldn't catch up with my grades. i got sick with covid, i was so so sick then. but my brain was even worse. i would spend all day in bed, barely could breathe, barely could get to the bathroom, everything ached constantly, my throat hurt like hell. and my depression then didn't help either. i discovered much music i love until this day then, though. that was something good that came of it. but my sophomore year wasn't any better. every winter from 8th grade forward, i'd get so terribly depressed. but sophomore year i was the worst i'd ever been. i woke up everyday, literally almost in tears, just by waking up. i'd cut myself. i didn't even care to wipe the blood off or bandage it or anything, just letting it soak into my sleeves. so naturally i didn't care for school much. i skipped a lot that winter, staying at my friend's house. that same friend from elementary school. we'd go to the park together. it was so cold then. but she kept me so warm. we'd drink together in her attic. she'd hold me in her attic. it was a small piece of heaven. but that was the only thing i had keeping me going. i got so sick that year too once. my cuts got infected. i told no one. they would ooze disgusting yellow shit. i was hoping so badly that it would take me.
all of this to say, i barely passed high school. i didn't do anything of the things you're supposed to do in high school. i didn't go to dances or parties or meet a grand group of friends who you go out to do things with, i didn't get good grades, i didn't study. and now that i'm out, now that i some how made it out, i feel so useless.
i'm in community college now. i never imagined myself here. and now this shit is killing me. the feeling of failing my parents, the fact that even fucking community college is difficult for me gets to my head so badly. i can't get a job. i've applied to so many fucking places. i don't want to be a burden on my parents. not at all. i want to work so i can make enough money to pay for my own fucking funeral so i don't leave them with a huge burden. that's really all i ever was. i feel so bad for them, they had so much hope for me and i ruined everything. i can't even do anything right. i feel like im fucking suffocating, like im drowning. i really cannot go on like this and i don't know what to do. i feel so fucking stupid. all i ever wanted was to be loved, really. and i've never felt that way. i wanted the warm warm feeling, to feel like everyone else does. whenever i talk to anyone at all, i feel like an alien wearing a human mask, trying desperately to talk and act the way others do. all ive ever done is just wear masks around others it feels like. so they'd like me. i make up personalities and traits that whatever person i'm talking to i'd feel would like. i've never shown anyone my real self because i don't know what the fuck i am. im not sure what else to say so i'll end it here. i wonder if anyone can relate to this feeling, what do you call it?
