Venting I can't do this anymore

[Chocoholic]

It has been five weeks since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. It was not a that long relationship. It was five months. (FYI, I am gay)

We clicked when we first met and got into a relationship. But we talked a lot before we met. He was the nicest and most handsome man I've ever met.
He always opens the door for me and drives to visit me all the time for 2 hours. We only had one big fight because of my anxious attachment. After that, I tried really hard.
Everything seems fine. We had a little argument before he went home. And then... he broke up with me over the phone on the same day he said he loved me. The reason was he lost the spark, and the love should not be this hard. Even he bought me flowers and gifts the day before. I am still confused.

My somewhat healthy mind was broken apart as my heart was. I begged him not to leave me. But, he said, "It is cold out here and rainy. I don't want to do this at my home." So, I had to hang up. And....he played games with his friends 10 mins later.
The next day, I tried to kill myself by partial hanging. I had done this before and never succeeded because of SI. I lost consciousness, but right after, I had a seizure-like SI.
And then the police came to me, they said the name of the person who called the police and it was one of my ex's friends. So, I decided to call him when I was in the hospital and told him that I was okay.
But he got mad. He thinks that is a guilt trap. I didn't do it for that reason. I just have so much pain and want to end. After that, he blocked me on everything. I saw him streaming on Twitch and acted as if nothing had happened. Laughing and playful as usual.

I am working with a therapist and did everything people said—distraction, focusing on myself, exercise, meditation, and medication. Nothing can't make me feel better. The only thing that can make me better is getting him back. But I know it will never happen. He was my last hope, and it is gone forever. He was not perfect, but I accepted his flaws. People said, "He is not the one. If he was, he didn't run away." That does not make me feel better. The truth is I love him so much, and I am in unbearable pain. I don't want to do this anymore.

That is why I will ctb as soon as possible. I just need to get SN. It is really bad that IC and CCS closed. I will live until I get SN. But, my inside is already dead.


P.S. Sorry about venting. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I have no friends and family in the US. When I told anyone I didn't want to live, they always called the police. I need a safe place to talk about my things.

 

[AkaRed]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I really, really am. I know you love this person, and I know the heartbreak that comes with losing them.
Please try and live for yourself some days, though. As much love as you have for this person, their existence can't decide yours- and that's a hard mindset to break. I can't speak for the entirety of your situation, and I only wish the best for you. Whatever your decision may be, I hope it's the right one for you.
Your life is so much more than one person though, and he likely isn't going to be the last out there that brings you a spark. Keep your chin up as best you can, I'm rooting for you!
<3

 

[Chocoholic]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I really, really am. I know you love this person, and I know the heartbreak that comes with losing them.
Please try and live for yourself some days, though. As much love as you have for this person, their existence can't decide yours- and that's a hard mindset to break. I can't speak for the entirety of your situation, and I only wish the best for you. Whatever your decision may be, I hope it's the right one for you.
Your life is so much more than one person though, and he likely isn't going to be the last out there that brings you a spark. Keep your chin up as best you can, I'm rooting for you!
<3

But I am afraid of being rejected again. I can't deal with it. Also, I don't want to be a burden to someone. I am the toxic one in the relationship, I think. I tried ctb when my other ex broke up with me a few years ago. I know I can meet other people who will love me. But at the same time, I can't deal with the breakup. Right now, I wish I'd never met my ex. It is way more painful than I thought. So... it is not just one person. Many people left me(friends, family, and all of my exes). That means I am the problem, and I can't fix it. I tried really hard, but it seemed impossible.

But, Thank you for your kind words and support!

 

[AkaRed]

But I am afraid of being rejected again. I can't deal with it. Also, I don't want to be a burden to someone. I am the toxic one in the relationship, I think. I tried ctb when my other ex broke up with me a few years ago. I know I can meet other people who will love me. But at the same time, I can't deal with the breakup. Right now, I wish I'd never met my ex. It is way more painful than I thought. So... it is not just one person. Many people left me(friends, family, and all of my exes). That means I am the problem, and I can't fix it. I tried really hard, but it seemed impossible.

But, Thank you for your kind words and support!

As someone who's very much been the toxic one in my past relationship, I feel you. I really do.
If you have any part of you that wishes to try again, just make sure you work on yourself first, okay? One quote I usually stick by to goes something like: "Relationships aren't two halves making one whole, it's just two whole people coming together in a fucking relationship." (Probably from some comedy thing, Idk).
Whatever your struggles may be right now, you're not alone, and having your issues affect others negatively is one of THE worst feelings in the world. I get you. Just give yourself a bit of time and breathing room, come to terms with everything, and see how you feel. I know you loved this individual, and others in the past. I know you're also capable of loving again and being loved. But it's more important to be okay with yourself. Keyword: okay. Not in love with yourself, just content. You don't need anything more than that.

Literally, the primary thing I struggled with from being the toxic one in my past relationship was the feeling of that being it. I was toxic, the bad guy, no other way around it. I had this mindset of "There are good and bad people in the world, I'm just the bad". But I can tell you now, that is not true. It takes a bit of self-reflecting (okay more like a lot) and maybe even some outside help- but your mistakes don't define you. Your feelings about CTB are absolutely valid, and I commend you for being open about them, I really do. I promise you on my damn soul that you can absolutely make a change for yourself for the better, and that can constitute a fix if it has to.

I get I'm just a stranger and these words might not make any difference, but I hope that you make it out of this rut. You deserve it!
<3

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really painful what you have to endure, the reality is that life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and it's awful how existing can easily get much worse. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[wastingpotential]

i'm very sorry you've had to go through this, not only with the pain that you've been feeling since the breakup but as well as the confusion, i can only imagine how lost you must feel. i've been there.
there isn't much i can say, or advice to give, but know you are not alone when you go through this and feel what you feel. hugs