I can't do it to my mom, i have to wait for her to die first.

[hellishangel]

I am 100% ready to ctb. It feels like a logical decision over which I feel no sadness or uncertainty. I am indifferent to death as I am to life and I have felt this way since I was 16 years old. Everything to me is meaningless and I no longer wish to live in a world with so much unnecessary suffering. Suicide is my protest against the act of being born into this cruel existence.

But I have a problem. I can't ctb before my mother dies. She is 70 years old and has been through so much in her life and lost her husband (my dad) when she was in her forties. And my brother cut her out of his life which devastated her. I feel that my suicide would break her but I also feel so resentful towards her as I feel she is the reason I continue to suffer every day of my life.

I am wondering if anyone else has the same dilemma with a family member or a friend and how this affects your decision to ctb.

My mother could live well into her late 70s so I may have to wait around for a while yet despite having my method and mind prepared.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I'm much the same, except my mother is only 53 and I have a twin sister I don't want to hurt or traumatise.

 

[creatureoflight]

I am 100% ready to ctb. It feels like a logical decision over which I feel no sadness or uncertainty. I am indifferent to death as I am to life and I have felt this way since I was 16 years old. Everything to me is meaningless and I no longer wish to live in a world with so much unnecessary suffering. Suicide is my protest against the act of being born into this cruel existence.

But I have a problem. I can't ctb before my mother dies. She is 70 years old and has been through so much in her life and lost her husband (my dad) when she was in her forties. And my brother cut her out of his life which devastated her. I feel that my suicide would break her but I also feel so resentful towards her as I feel she is the reason I continue to suffer every day of my life.

I am wondering if anyone else has the same dilemma with a family member or a friend and how this affects your decision to ctb.

My mother could live well into her late 70s so I may have to wait around for a while yet despite having my method and mind prepared.

I totally feel the same way, except my mom is 65 and every female in our family lived to be 90! -.-

 

[Tiburcio]

This is definitely a hard problem. I don't have this problem because she throw me here but I only can say you should look more for yourselves. You can be worried but trust me, none of us owe anything to our parents.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Not to put anyone off or anything, but I went to a funeral today, my friend CTB. Seeing that has really shaken me up on whether I should or not, or when.

 

[creatureoflight]

Not to put anyone off or anything, but I went to a funeral today, my friend CTB. Seeing that has really shaken me up on whether I should or not, or when.

Not to be morbid,but did her body look okay? If they look really bad they have a closed casket funeral

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Not to be morbid,but did her body look okay? If they look really bad they have a closed casket funeral

Closed casket, didn't see. Don't know how she did it or anything but at the end of the day I guess that's not what matters.
I'm not Christian, so not sure how most funerals work. Is it normal to have open casket?

 

[creatureoflight]

Closed casket, didn't see. Don't know how she did it or anything but at the end of the day I guess that's not what matters.
I'm not Christian, so not sure how most funerals work. Is it normal to have open casket?

In my country (Western Europe) , no. But in America in general as far as I know, yes?

 

[creatureoflight]

Tbh I've never been to one before, even though my uncle, grandfather and great aunt have died but all of them lived abroad and I didn't want to go

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

In my country (Western Europe) , no. But in America in general as far as I know, yes?

I'm in the UK

 

[Ashpac]

Ive been to about 6/7 funerals now. I dont want to go to anymore.

My mother will be lost without me but I choose not to think about that, we all have to think of ourselves and do whats best for us.

I told her I resent her because im here for you. She said she doesnt want that. She understands my pain.

I used to feel guilty but now I dont. My pain is bigger than my love for my family and I love them to bits.

Its whether you can get your mindset like that or not.

 

[Edgard]

That's also the only thing that stop me from killing myself right now. I don't want to cause suffering to my parents. My father already lived through my mother suicide when I was 4 yo and I already tried to kill myself once and failed. I didn't think about him for my first suicide attempt but I do now and I regret that I didn't think about it back then.

I'm not suffering enough to put other people through pain. But if you are in a position where your own life is just too hard and you can't take it anymore that other people feeling are less important then you can't help it. Don't feel bad for it. It is not your fault. But you have to be sure that you really can't take it.

 

[SnowyDreams]

This would be the only thing that's keeping me here tbh. I've been planning for almost two years and set dates so many times but had breakdowns last minute because of guilt. My parents are only in their fifties and I have a younger sister. I don't think they'd suffer for a long time if I died in some other way but they know about my mental illness and they don't really get it so suicide would lead them to blame themselves and I can't stand that. I'd like to wipe myself off existence so nobody would even remember me and that'd be perfect.

 

[Endthepain]

I feel the same way - I'm sure so Many people do - I would have done it years ago if not for my mother - I know it would destroy her and she would end up taking her own life - I don't want to cause that havoc
Most of us are too sensitive for this world - we don't want to hurt other people but our sensitivity allows us to get hurt by everyone else until we are eroded down to being here

 

[HateFeelingFeelings]

Every time I get close to finally ending it my mom and brothers always come to mind and ruin it. I start imagining them crying and suffering from my suicide. It's terrible I can't bring myself to put them through that so I'm stuck here to struggle and suffer.

 

[Damn]

Same! Since I was 12ish I've tried all sorts (od, hanging n rope snapped, even the motorway at night) and now 25 opened up to family and now cannot because of the pain it would cause my family :/ it's not a sad thing just want to go to find peace, I've a plan to make hemlock tea and camp out in a sunny field, apparently post mortem cannot determine hemlock, only a heart attack. But the family would no. Maybe travel far away and just disappear, anyone keen for a holiday to Israel and just get lost.

 

[Oyashiro-sama]

I am 100% ready to ctb. It feels like a logical decision over which I feel no sadness or uncertainty. I am indifferent to death as I am to life and I have felt this way since I was 16 years old. Everything to me is meaningless and I no longer wish to live in a world with so much unnecessary suffering. Suicide is my protest against the act of being born into this cruel existence.

But I have a problem. I can't ctb before my mother dies. She is 70 years old and has been through so much in her life and lost her husband (my dad) when she was in her forties. And my brother cut her out of his life which devastated her. I feel that my suicide would break her but I also feel so resentful towards her as I feel she is the reason I continue to suffer every day of my life.

I am wondering if anyone else has the same dilemma with a family member or a friend and how this affects your decision to ctb.

My mother could live well into her late 70s so I may have to wait around for a while yet despite having my method and mind prepared.

I understand, it happens the same, although in my case I'm not sure which method to use, although I do know that I want to die, I feel that way since I was a teenager (now I'm 23 years old) and I really know that it will not change. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is to know that it would destroy my mother, even though she does not understand me, I know that she loves me a lot, and it bothers me to do that.

It's like being in a prison that you can not get out of, I feel trapped.

 

[Damn]

I understand, it happens the same, although in my case I'm not sure which method to use, although I do know that I want to die, I feel that way since I was a teenager (now I'm 23 years old) and I really know that it will not change. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is to know that it would destroy my mother, even though she does not understand me, I know that she loves me a lot, and it bothers me to do that.

It's like being in a prison that you can not get out of, I feel trapped.

Yea and it feels selfish to want to just go and loathe the people who love you for doing nothing wrong, but unless they too want it too your stuck waiting for years until they pass naturally. Trapped by a lack of understanding love so we just grit our teeth and carry on, I'm glad theirs others who are in this predicament of not wanting to scar people who don't deserve it.

 

[Volatile]

Same! Since I was 12ish I've tried all sorts (od, hanging n rope snapped, even the motorway at night) and now 25 opened up to family and now cannot because of the pain it would cause my family :/ it's not a sad thing just want to go to find peace, I've a plan to make hemlock tea and camp out in a sunny field, apparently post mortem cannot determine hemlock, only a heart attack. But the family would no. Maybe travel far away and just disappear, anyone keen for a holiday to Israel and just get lost.

Israel sounds fun

 

[Radaghast94]

I'm essentially in the same boat, my parents would be devastated and I love them plus a big ole funeral would occur where everyone can come along and act sad for a day. I don't like the fact someone will find me and as it stands I'm too concerned about those things to do what my heart desires. If I had my own place to live I'd probably be much more inclined to hang myself

 

[ningaman151]

I am 100% ready to ctb. It feels like a logical decision over which I feel no sadness or uncertainty. I am indifferent to death as I am to life and I have felt this way since I was 16 years old. Everything to me is meaningless and I no longer wish to live in a world with so much unnecessary suffering. Suicide is my protest against the act of being born into this cruel existence.

But I have a problem. I can't ctb before my mother dies. She is 70 years old and has been through so much in her life and lost her husband (my dad) when she was in her forties. And my brother cut her out of his life which devastated her. I feel that my suicide would break her but I also feel so resentful towards her as I feel she is the reason I continue to suffer every day of my life.

I am wondering if anyone else has the same dilemma with a family member or a friend and how this affects your decision to ctb.

My mother could live well into her late 70s so I may have to wait around for a while yet despite having my method and mind prepared.

Yeah I feel a bit for my parents, but mostly for my 8 year old little brother.

 

[great-ape99]

Personally I already told my mom and family and friends that I plan on ending my own life on my own terms. They just have no idea when that is. I hope to make it until I am 65ish and then call it quits I'm middle aged right now.

 

[great-ape99]

As far as your mom I would ask you what did she do to you that caused you problems?

 

[Brokenanddeadinside]

yes my father is part of the reason he lost his wife a long time ago and basically stayed alive for me and would hate to make him go through that pain.

 

[Bandzbandz]

My household is healthy. I have two more or less loving parents who are very selfish.I have an autistic brother a few years younger than me and another brother a year younger than him but my autistic brother gets really badly affected by my depression. He's a bright and happy person but when he sees me down he's down as well and he doesn't deserve that. How am I going to take care of him when I can barely get it together and take care of myself? It hurts and I love him but it's the truth.

 

[Duqu]

My mom (and she's the only one in my family whose opinion matters to me) told me that she'd understand if I killed myself, and that she didn't know how I could deal with all the pain (physical and mental) I go through every day, and that she couldn't. That gave me peace. Right now all that's holding me down is the right (100%) method and pathetically, my cat. He adores me and pines when I'm away. He's 11 though. When he dies I will literally have nothing.

 

[Snee]

my mental illness getting worst.i know my mom wil cry if i ctb.but she have to cry everyday if i didnt ctb.

 

[Miss clefable]

My mom died recently at age 49

 

[Volatile]

My mom died recently at age 49

Died how?

 

[Miss clefable]

Died how?

Heart attack