I cant do it anymore

[goodoldnoname923]

I'm miserable i've been miserable my whole life and i can't do it anymore i'm always looking for something i don't have or can't have i'm always expecting too much of people or putting to much pressure on them I'm shitty to people and toxic and no matter how much i try to identify or self reflect I never fucking change no matter how hard i fucking try I can't seem to succeed I can't find happiness I can't form healthy relationships all i do is let my insecurities control me and drive people away and hurt them in the process and people think im an evil and horrible monster and even as i write this i feel a sense of joy or a smile on my face when i should feel terrible my eyes feel heavy and want to ball out with tears yet all my mouth wants to do is fucking smile I can't take the pressure anymore I can't take the stress i keep trying to win people back or prove to them i've changed or can change yet i can never seem to get there no matter how hard i try im a lost cause and no one seems to see it I'm irrdeemable I'm unsaveable and I'm too afraid to take the bus…i'm too afraid to put others out their misery and myself too because i cant let go i dont leave people alone…I can't put an end to it because im a coward and every method i try or consider I can't fucking do it and idk what to do i really dont knkw what to do

 

[iloverachel]

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain and suffering. I really don't know what else to say but hope things get better for you.

Please keep venting to us because we are listening.

Life is cruel and unbelievable hard

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Im

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain and suffering. I really don't know what else to say but hope things get better for you.

Please keep venting to us because we are listening.

Life is cruel and unbelievable hard

a genuine fucking monster and I can't change i want to be a good person but I can't i can't get the people back i care about and even if i do i'll end up treating them like shit anyway…it's an endless cycle and I can't stop

 

[goodoldnoname923]

The guilt is honestly too much for me all i think about is all the people i've hurt that i want to apologise to the people I understand why i hurt and so on and wanting to make things right but i know I can't make things right

I had an update on my plan,run my body to a point of exhaustion pop some sleeping gummies put on some gloves (so i dont break out like all those years ago) and fall asleep peacefully and let nature take its course

 

[hopeless08]

Im

a genuine fucking monster and I can't change i want to be a good person but I can't i can't get the people back i care about and even if i do i'll end up treating them like shit anyway…it's an endless cycle and I can't stop

If you care about people that contradicts the idea of yourself as a monster.
A monster doesn't care about anyone but themselves

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

The guilt is honestly too much for me all i think about is all the people i've hurt that i want to apologise to the people I understand why i hurt and so on and wanting to make things right but i know I can't make things right

I had an update on my plan,run my body to a point of exhaustion pop some sleeping gummies put on some gloves (so i dont break out like all those years ago) and fall asleep peacefully and let nature take its course

i resonate deeply with your post. i feel the exact same way. a disgusting monster that's only ever hurt people and even if i could apologise to people i've hurt i can't find them and they'd never want to hear from me anyway.

i just hurt people over and over. i'm not a perfect victim like most people. i push people away, i hurt them harshly. i'm just disgusting and shouldn't exist. all my sins make it impossible to change. even if i could change, the people i hurt will still hurt. i'm not allowed to move on or change when i'm just such a monster. i deserve punishment for my actions.

i'm sorry you feel a similar way. nobody else should have to suffer this way.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

If you care about people that contradicts the idea of yourself as a monster.
A monster doesn't care about anyone but themselves

But then why do i keep hurting these people over and over and no matter how hard i try to change i can never even seem to achieve it at all…