The desire for human connection is very powerful and there is no direct substitute for it. However, there are combinations of copes that can reduce the negative impacts of its absence.
If you could advice me on how i could work on things all by myself and cope with me being all by myself ( for the most time ), that would really helpful. Thank you guys.
I'd also appreciate any personal experiences or stories too by the way.
There are a few things I'm willing to share that I think could be of value. To start, I was raised from birth to do it alone. It was explained to me in my adulthood that the negligence I experienced as a child was intentional. So that I wouldn't grow up needing people. This was half successful. I grew up not wanting people, but unfortunately, whether we like it or not, we all need people in some capacity. All they did was raise an emotionally incompetent man with a higher tolerance for isolation than most, and a high degree of self-reliance.
I am only just discovering that my highest social motivator is competition (though in an absolute sense this is still low). Praise and shame have no effect on me. Tangible rewards and prestige are middling. Turns out I'm naturally antagonistic. Who would've guessed it? If I wanted to row a marathon I'd want to know what the best times are and then I'd want to be among the best at the very least. I don't care about medals. I don't need a cash prize, though that would be nice. And I don't need anyone there telling me they believe in me, or that I did a good job, or cheering me on. But without a best time to measure myself against the motivation to push myself to a certain time is entirely abstract. This still counts as needing other people.
The lesson here is to figure out exactly how you need other people in order to stay motivated. What does doing it for other people mean? What do you gain from doing it for someone else that you don't gain from doing it for yourself? You can't decide on a substitute if you don't know what role you need a substitute for.
That's the how to the doing part. Now how to cope with being by yourself.
A couple years ago I was finally able to figure out a major key to my progress by journaling. I was in a relationship and a situation arose that made me reflect a lot on my life. Here's a modified summary of the entry.
~~~
"[Ex] has a type. It's [type]. It's how she found me. I'm her type. I wasn't the only person she found. There was a man that she was seeing before me who re-entered her life. She chose to make herself available to him. All this because he has no one and wants support. She said he reminds her of me. But that she can't let him go through what I went through because he's used to having someone for support. Funny. That means he's nothing like me at all.
It's been a few days since we had our conversation but in talking less and thinking more and in revisiting past versions of myself, I found some memories.
Context. It starts with the fact that I was never nurtured for emotional expression. I have tried to fight this and it has not gone in my favor. The truth is that I have three emotional outlets: art, labor, and sex. Now I also have a journal. Talking about my feelings with others is useless to me."
~~~
I cut a lot out of it and the relationship portion is not important except as context to figuring this out, but the relevant parts are there. Talking things out, "being supported" (I don't even know what that means), and those traditional socials methods of comfort don't do anything for me at all. In previous attempts at recovery I did make an effort to seek and try some of these and they were neutral experiences at best. When experiencing burdensome emotions I found 3 outlets.
Art: Making or consuming it are both cathartic. This can take any form you choose. Music, painting, dance, poetry, etc. Instead of getting someone to listen to me talk I'd much rather do any of these.
Labour: This is any rewarding exertion. This could be working out, cleaning your house, longer hours at the office or more freelance jobs, anything that gets you paid more. The goal is to get out of yourself and pour yourself into something external and worthwhile that you will have something to show for by the end of it instead of dragging your emotions around with you everywhere.
i could just go on venting about it, expressing my emotions through my fingers.
Do it. If you feel as though you have so much inside of you that you could just go in writing about it, go on writing about it until there's nothing left to write.
As for destructive addictions. I used to self-harm a lot when I was younger. After I was released from the hospital and was stumbling about life trying to make sense of it all I ended up joining kickboxing. This might have looked like a positive change but really I was only doing it because it was socially acceptable self-harm. I had to beat my shins with a pvc pipe as part of my conditioning. I enjoyed it and overdoing it just looked like dedication. My trainer had to stop me and he took away the pipe. Just because you crave destruction and oblivion doesn't mean it can't manifest in a way that still benefits you in some way instead of sending you all the way back to zero.
If what you desire in companionship is someone to care for, you can always get a pet or a plant. Like I said at the start, there is no true substitute for human companionship, but some combination of these things might be enough to get you by as you continue on your recovery journey. Hope this helps.
