Venting I Can't Do Anything

[puella]

The only thing that motivates me is the hope that one day I will be able to feel comfortable in my body. I have goals, but all I can do about most of them is wait patiently for the healthcare system. Even if I could get in for the big surgeries faster, HRT still just takes years of time to fully work. I'm powerless.

So why should I leave my room? No normal coping tasks help me with depression, because for me depression is only a symptom of my gender dysphoria. Going outside in the sun, talking to people, or doing enjoyable activities. None of that makes me feel better; they don't even address my problem. So it would be pointless to continue trying.

When you boil my goals down to what the essentials of what the actionable tasks are, this is really all it is: I need to take my HRT and meds each day, schedule and wait for important doctors visits, maintain my physical health and stay safe from SH.

I feel more stressed about my goals than positive right now. All I can do is survive while I wait for progress.

And when it is all said and done, the only thing I can do is hope it makes my dysphoria manageable. Maybe this is all in vain and I've been doomed since I had the wrong puberty. That's what I think is most likely—even when I try to look at the logic optimistically. Maybe I should just give up on my goals and CTB now.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I have no words for you and i have to admit i had to google the term.
Accepting yourself is an arduous task and i can think no one can help you but yourself. I'm open to discussion if that can help brainstorming something or help making you feel better

 

[puella]

I have no words for you and i have to admit i had to google the term.
Accepting yourself is an arduous task and i can think no one can help you but yourself. I'm open to discussion if that can help brainstorming something or help making you feel better

Thank you, I appreciate the offer. Soon I will get assigned a case manager to help me get medical costs covered and events scheduled.

 

[gulp]

hold on, maybe things will get better

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Even if you only have that one thing pushing you forward, I think giving it a shot is worth it. You're right that it will take time but human bodies can go through some amazing changes and a lot of trans people out there can't even believe how good the results can be. I know this is pretty cliche but you'll always have CTB as an option to help you escape from the suffering but I think you deserve a chance to feel comfortable in your body and to one day look in the mirror and truly see yourself. Everything else you do in your daily life doesn't have to address the problem but it can serve as a distraction until you're able to get to the place you're trying to reach. I know this is all stuff you're already aware of and it doesn't solve the issue, gender dysphoria fucking sucks. I also don't think you're looking for advice but rather to have your pain acknowledged and I get you. Sending you hugs

 

[puella]

Even if you only have that one thing pushing you forward, I think giving it a shot is worth it. You're right that it will take time but human bodies can go through some amazing changes and a lot of trans people out there can't even believe how good the results can be. I know this is pretty cliche but you'll always have CTB as an option to help you escape from the suffering but I think you deserve a chance to feel comfortable in your body and to one day look in the mirror and truly see yourself. Everything else you do in your daily life doesn't have to address the problem but it can serve as a distraction until you're able to get to the place you're trying to reach. I know this is all stuff you're already aware of and it doesn't solve the issue, gender dysphoria fucking sucks. I also don't think you're looking for advice but rather to have your pain acknowledged and I get you. Sending you hugs

Thank you.