Venting I can't decide and I'm a liar

[belly.up4good]

I admitted to my love that I wanted to ctb and they asked why. I was vague, because I want to ctb because of them. I keep telling myself I won't lie to them ever again, but I did anyway. I kind of said a bit about our breakup, but not that I fear they cheat or what they've said hurt me, that I don't wanna live without them. I'm supposed to attend some events this weekend, I just wanna cancel everything and isolate myself, I also wanna leave room in case they want to hangout in the weekend. I mostly just wanna ctb again. I keep wishing I ctb'd last week like I wanted or months ago. I can't decide if I really want to or not, and I always struggle with this, being so unsure of myself. I feel stupid thinking about it and going through with it. But I feel stupid living too. I just feel like a freak, weird. I feel weird for doing anything, like I'm not allowed to. I feel unwanted. I wonder what I did to be unwanted. I wanna be happy but I feel so far gone I'm just I don't wanna talk to anyone new, I'm tired of the hopeless feeling of seeing them but not being together and still being intimate and in love, or not being able to do hobbies because I'm lazy or fearful or just suck at them. I wanna be honest to them why I wanna ctb but I can't imagine what they'd do or how they'd react, I just don't want them to leave me and unfortunately I do everything to try and avoid that, allowing things that bother me to continue and never bring it up. I really don't know what they would do If I said that, as much as I want to, I don't even know what I would do if someone said that to me. I just wanna be honest, when I'm not I feel guilty and reminder that I don't fully trust them. So fun.