ipanema
New Member
- Aug 22, 2026
- 3
It really feels like the bad ending to my life. It really did seem like I was going to have a good life. I wasn't just optimistic, it was a reasonable prediction given the state of my life just a few years ago. But so many things have gone wrong that I could've never seen coming. At the end of the day it is my fault, and I have dug a hole for myself. I definitely could've been living happily right now. But life threw shovel after shovel after shovel at me. I'm not an idiot, I think I'm generally a pretty smart and level headed person. Life has just thrown me things so crazy that I can't even share. One, because you might not even believe me, and two because I feel like you could dox me from it because pretty much no one else has to go through these things.
But the issue isn't really what life has thrown as me, it's the scars they've left, and the stains. But those scars should never be there nor those stains. It's so egregiously stupid how things have played out. My life is terrible now, but even if my circumstances and environment completely changed, I still wouldn't like it. I'm not the person I was before, I don't wanna be this guy anymore. I'm not even depressed or mentally ill, my life is just terrible and I have reason to believe it'll continue being terrible. It feels like my life is over before it's even started. There's so much I haven't done.
I guess I could've been stronger and I could've not done stupid stuff. But some of the things I've had to go through, you would need Herculean strength to go through and stay on your feet. Most people don't have to be strong and they just live life fine. Some other things people would judge me for and tell me I shouldn't have done and I know that, but they don't understand what its like to be me and the wider context. And life just gave me test after test that it already knew I would fail, like it was specifically trying to punish me. But if my life were just allowed to go normally I wouldn't have fucked it up.
I think I can keep going for now though. Things used to be a lot worse. But in a weird way, it's bad that life is a bit better. Back when I was truly suffering, that suffering gave me purpose in a way, it filled the void. But now, it's like the storms over but now everything's destroyed. And there are many things I can't rebuild. I constantly wonder what the point even is though. I don't want the future that's staring me down the barrel. It would be really unfair to my parents if I went though, they've been good to me and sacrificed a lot for me. It would ruin them. Other people though, they motivate me to end it. There is a singular person in my life who is really the cause of how my life is right now. It is a bit unfair to blame everything on them because at the end of the day, I dug the hole for myself, but it's like they've been trying to ruin my life for nearly 2 years now. They haven't been punished at all. If I did go, they would know it's their fault and other people would know it's their fault. But it also seems so pathetic, I don't know if I want to end it to punish them or live out of spite. I'm such an idiot for just ignoring their obvious hostility and schemes and not realising who they were earlier. I imagine my life in a world without them and it's like that utopia meme. It really isn't fair.
I guess I won't go for now because my parents. But to say they're my will to live would be a bit wrong. It feels like more of a cage, I can't do what I want because of them.
But the issue isn't really what life has thrown as me, it's the scars they've left, and the stains. But those scars should never be there nor those stains. It's so egregiously stupid how things have played out. My life is terrible now, but even if my circumstances and environment completely changed, I still wouldn't like it. I'm not the person I was before, I don't wanna be this guy anymore. I'm not even depressed or mentally ill, my life is just terrible and I have reason to believe it'll continue being terrible. It feels like my life is over before it's even started. There's so much I haven't done.
I guess I could've been stronger and I could've not done stupid stuff. But some of the things I've had to go through, you would need Herculean strength to go through and stay on your feet. Most people don't have to be strong and they just live life fine. Some other things people would judge me for and tell me I shouldn't have done and I know that, but they don't understand what its like to be me and the wider context. And life just gave me test after test that it already knew I would fail, like it was specifically trying to punish me. But if my life were just allowed to go normally I wouldn't have fucked it up.
I think I can keep going for now though. Things used to be a lot worse. But in a weird way, it's bad that life is a bit better. Back when I was truly suffering, that suffering gave me purpose in a way, it filled the void. But now, it's like the storms over but now everything's destroyed. And there are many things I can't rebuild. I constantly wonder what the point even is though. I don't want the future that's staring me down the barrel. It would be really unfair to my parents if I went though, they've been good to me and sacrificed a lot for me. It would ruin them. Other people though, they motivate me to end it. There is a singular person in my life who is really the cause of how my life is right now. It is a bit unfair to blame everything on them because at the end of the day, I dug the hole for myself, but it's like they've been trying to ruin my life for nearly 2 years now. They haven't been punished at all. If I did go, they would know it's their fault and other people would know it's their fault. But it also seems so pathetic, I don't know if I want to end it to punish them or live out of spite. I'm such an idiot for just ignoring their obvious hostility and schemes and not realising who they were earlier. I imagine my life in a world without them and it's like that utopia meme. It really isn't fair.
I guess I won't go for now because my parents. But to say they're my will to live would be a bit wrong. It feels like more of a cage, I can't do what I want because of them.
