Venting I cannot unsee the darkness

[any%]

Hey everybody,

I am pretty new here, although lurking as a guest for the last 8 months or so. I am a 26 yo male human & the fact that there are a lot of seriously ill people here (cancer, chronic & other terminal diseases) that want to end their lives because of their ultimate battle against their disease made me feel really guilty. Like a massive guilt trip popping up out of nowhere suddenly.

I have proper physical health, I am young & capable and yet I am hopelessly suicidal since I am ~13 years old. I have unfortunately almost no memory of my childhood except for 3 or 4 events. Everything before 12/13 yo I seem to have no connection or memory at all. I just can tell you that when puberty hit I changed for the worse. I suddenly had mood swings that soon led to continuous depressive feelings, I would sleep almost all day & all night. Now I am 26 yo and I wasted so many years alone (ever since i moved out of home with 20 to study), isolating myself, selfmedicating with weed/alcohol everyday cause it helps me to shut up my mind and I can just lay on the floor wasted not having to process a single thought.

My head feels like a storm, I am thinking all the time about everything at once, often I am irritated by myself, I overthink everything, I cannot make my head stop. I am also very empathetic ( i got good antennas for sensing what a human is like + their current emotions/feelings) and that is rather a burden than a gift, because I do not only sense the emotional situation of every person I meet, I also tend to automatically make them mine when they are feeling down. So if I meet sad or desperate people my brain somehow mirrors it immediately. I am also that kind of guy that had an argument (can be serious, can be totally unimportant like some argueing about a traffic incident with some stranger) and thinks about the conversation still 2 weeks later and what else I could have said & even 2 weeks later in an instant I am in that exact emotional place I was when the incident actually happened, just by thinking about it.

I was so glad I got here, but suddenly I feel like I dont belong here because I dont deserve it. I am not terminally ill, i dont have cancer or anything else serious physically. It feels like I dont fit anywhere at all. I really want a nice life (this planet is beautiful and options are endless) but I really want to end myself at the same time. I tried to off myself with 13 by injecting air into my veins (i was too young and stupid and retroperspectively it would have never worked), ODed with 17 & ever since then I was busy being not sober at any time possible. But at least the CTB attempt with 17 was my last action so far. I also stopped autoagression, but I dont see a future. I feel like drifting in a big sea of grey and I am unable to drown. I also feel like the drugs wont help me anymore soon and I feel like the time is coming once again where I suddenly impulsively try to take my life.

Sorry for this weird mixup-post, I think by writing this I just wanted to "officially" say hi & thank you!

-J

 

[Donewith_]

hey sorry to see life has put you in this place. but, good that you've found a supportive place. mental illness is as serious as a terminal physical illness. but, its not as visible as physical and can't be noticed that well unless observed carefully.. but that doesn't make it any less serious.
Any person is worthy of this supportive place
hope you have good time here

 

[Retched]

No reason to feel guilty. It's a place you can relate to people. And they will relate to you.

 

[any%]

Thank you for your consoling words! You already feel like brothers to me in a special kind of war.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

@any% I have a chronical illness that ruins my life and is my number 1 reason to kill myself and I say you shouldn´t feel guilty for not being physically ill, as I have said to several people on here the reason why you want to kill yourself is purely subjective so even if it to others seem like a minor thing doesn´t mean it has to be for you.

Like to me I thing it´s perfectly reasonable to want to die just because life is filled with more hardship than happy moments, like working people spend 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week on work and probably 1-2 hours of commuting each day only having 2 days for themselves in the weekend and they have to do this for the rest of their lives with the only thing of looking forward to is a couple weeks of vacation a year this alone I would think is reason enough to wanting to die, it could even be "lesser" things. My point is it´s your life so if you don´t want to live because of whatever reason that is fair and you shouldn´t feel guilty because other´s have it worse physically and that is coming from a person with a very defect body e.g. Allergic to almost all foods, a throat problem my main problem for wanting to die, psoriasis, scoliosis, back injury, colorblind, acid reflux etc.

Before my physical problems got so bad I too became suicidal at the end of 13/start of 14 and that alone is reason enough for wanting to die.

 

[any%]

@TheGoodGuy I am sorry for your place in life as well! I can totally relate to that 8-10 hrs/day, weekend & vacation routine that people pull off all their live - I dont think that is particularly worth living. But I often feel like this dark side of mine, this overhanging darkness is not really me. It is a strange disease that wants to kill me. I want to live and die at the same time, that is really exhausting. But you are right, it is my life & I can choose what to do with it.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

But I often feel like this dark side of mine, this overhanging darkness is not really me. It is a strange disease that wants to kill me. I want to live and die at the same time, that is really exhausting. But you are right, it is my life & I can choose what to do with it.

I can relate to that I used to be so happy in my childhood and used to have so much personality when I was a teenager and now it´s all gone.

 

[any%]

@TheGoodGuy
So sad to see somebody that can relate. You are so right, I still have my mam`s words in my ears "If you could only remember, you were such a happy, hyper-active, smiling, embracing and caring child" And I want to believe her, but it is hard to do so, seeing what I have become. It is like you say, it´s all gone. Atm I am really a waste of space.

 

[Soul]

Any%, I'm another human with a terminal illness who assures you you're absolutely entitled to be here. It's a pro-choice forum, not a depot for the terminally ill. I personally feel my long-standing pro-choice philosophy is more important than my illness.
I hope you find what you need. For sure you'll find good company here, understanding of a lot of things that not everyone gets.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

@TheGoodGuy
So sad to see somebody that can relate. You are so right, I still have my mam`s words in my ears "If you could only remember, you were such a happy, hyper-active, smiling, embracing and caring child" And I want to believe her, but it is hard to do so, seeing what I have become. It is like you say, it´s all gone. Atm I am really a waste of space.

But I actually remember a lot from my childhood which makes it so much harder to "live" now because I now exactly what I am missing out on. I have shared this picture a couple of times to illustrate how I feel about happiness at different ages in my life I think a graph makes it easier to think about.

 

[EmotionallyWrecked]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you. Physically healthy. Mentally dead.

If I didn't have children I don't think I would be here. But I don't want to hurt them.

 

[any%]

@TheGoodGuy That graph is utterly devastating but quite a precise picture of it. Even worse that you remember your childhood now, I totally understand. You actually really know and feel what you are missing out on.

@Soul I am sorry for your circumstances! Thank you for reassuring and the kind welcome! I almost feel stupid about how I felt - you are right, it is a prochoice forum no matter the reasons after all.

@EmotionallyWrecked That sounds like a desperate situation. I do not have kids, but I kind of have the same problem with my family + siblings. It would destroy them. As long as I cannot mask it as an accident I will be having troubles to ctb. I could use my motorcycle for suicide, but I know how I feel while riding, I dont think I could be so bold. But yeah, I just don´t want to hurt them!

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I can't unsee the darkness either.

"...and if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."--Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Personally, I wouldn't recommend CTB, or attempting suicide or whatever I tried looking for a suicidal partner on this website and got arrested for it.

 

[Donewitheverything]

I'm also of solid physical health. My mind is pretty cursed, however. I will say this, though. A lot of people tend to undervalue mental health; take it from someone who was bedridden solely because his mind was in a very bad place. In fact, I even considered electrotherapy at a point to get rid of it all. In any case, trauma, abuse, and other dire matters are valid reasons to desire CTB. There are just some things which cannot be forgotten or coped with easily, if at all, which can lead to continuous suffering.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

I'm also of solid physical health. My mind is pretty cursed, however. I will say this, though. A lot of people tend to undervalue mental health; take it from someone who was bedridden solely because his mind was in a very bad place. In fact, I even considered electrotherapy at a point to get rid of it all. In any case, trauma, abuse, and other dire matters are valid reasons to desire CTB. There are just some things which cannot be forgotten or coped with easily, if at all, which can lead to continuous suffering.

Reminds me of myself except to some extend in health except I've been raped and controlled by others with truth serum before and did some bad things in the past and still think about suicide and the people who claim to help me family, friends, and every other person's pet and or support network played a role in it well maybe not the pets but they like to claim it all as a dream went to federal prison, blackmailed, jail, arrested, electroshock therapy, memory wiped, and abused, used, lied to, and stolen from gotten laid multiple times with guys and girls and was forced to say things while under the influence of truth serum and forced to do things under the influence of "truth drugs" by the way they are not truth drugs more like command drugs makes you more susceptible to suggestions with sleep hypnosis and drugs and meds becareful who to trust in this world.