Venting I cannot stand myself

[platypusfan]

I hate living in this body and everytime I look at myself I just feel an extreme hatred and I want to tear my skin off. Even when I think about myself, and everything I've done, I just feel repulsed. I am disgusting and I have never felt otherwise for even a moment. If I become self aware for even a second my whole day is ruined because the thought of being me makes me want to vomit. It's not that I think I am a horrible person, it's more just that I cannot stand being myself. I want to change every aspect of myself and any self improvement tactic is like running in circles, I still come out with an unshakable hatred for myself. I know the reason I can't feel love is because I have never felt like I deserve to be loved. I want to kill myself but what I want more is for my existence to be completely erased. Living like this makes me feel useless, pathetic, and unloved and I see no future where I am not like this yet my survival instinct is still too much and that makes me even more annoyed to be alive. I am just frustrated.