traintracks.mp3
it wears me out
- Mar 4, 2024
- 33
All recovery advice I've come across assures me that "it won't always be like this" but it truly will. It always has been. The act of existing in itself is painful. Eating, moving, talking, thinking are exhausting useless performances. Life is a series of waiting, waiting for something to become enjoyable. But it passes me by over and over again, what should be euphoric moments mean nothing. Feel like nothing. Happiness is just an anxiety, where my heart races and everything moves faster, and I hate myself afterwards. Happiness in itself is painful. It's just a chemical transaction meant to encourage me to work to stay alive. It doesn't even do it's job. I don't know what else to expect, what an alternate life where I'm happy and can enjoy things would look like. I don't understand how anyone finds this enjoyable. I don't know how to be happy, and I don't know when it will stop being like this. Even when others notice I appear happy, all I can think is "is this it?" Is this really the best life gets? How is this worth it to anyone? Are we all just moving forward for these little windows where things feel slightly less miserable? I know I will CTB in the end. It's just a matter of when and how. It's waiting, biding my time so I can offer what my family and friends need from me. Risk-taking, hoping by some grace I will fail and my death will not be by my own hand. But mostly waiting for the right reason. I came to SaSu in the first place because I cannot express this sentiment to anyone else. I know their hearts are in the right place, and I feel awful that their advice and encouragement means nothing to me, but hearing "it will get better," "things can improve," "it wont be like this forever" drives me insane. Because, really, how? I have no reference point. Something is wrong in my brain, something that hasn't been able to be fixed with copious amounts of medications, hospitals, therapists. I think I am just incompatible with life.
