I cannot do it

[Chronicallyunwell]

Dear ss

I cannot do it, as hard as I try. My chronic illness and pain has made life truly unbearable so why can't I just do it?!!!
I read about a writer today who ctb by 'walking into the sea'. If only it were THAT easy. Sometimes I feel like these stories aren't real.
Please reassure me please that I will find a way if I keep trying.

Xxx

 

[iloveloving]

Continue to have hope OP! Time will get you there.

I wish you a peace of mind whichever path you choose.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

Continue to have hope OP! Time will get you there.

I wish you a peace of mind whichever path you choose.

Thanks i just need it to happen feel like such a coward

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it just feels so cruel how it's so difficult to be permanently be free from all the suffering this existence causes but anyway I hope you find peace, it sounds like you've suffered so much. Personally I wish suicide is as straightforward as choosing to never wake again, I really understand it's so torturous feeling stuck in this existence.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Thanks i just need it to happen feel like such a coward

Not a coward. It's a brave act to wrestle with staying or not.

I love Christina's World as an image. I saw it in high school and it's basically how my entire life has been. Trapped to be looking to the default world and no way to get there

 

[agony1996]

Dear ss

I cannot do it, as hard as I try. My chronic illness and pain has made life truly unbearable so why can't I just do it?!!!
I read about a writer today who ctb by 'walking into the sea'. If only it were THAT easy. Sometimes I feel like these stories aren't real.
Please reassure me please that I will find a way if I keep trying.

Xxx

Don't be hard on yourself, ctbing is the hardest thing a person can do.
I'm feeling the same way I want so badly to ctb in the next ten days and it's terrifying, everyday that goes by and it gets closer to the day I'm more and more scared that I won't be able to do it.
This is absolute torture.
It's the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world so it's completely normal that you feel you can't do it and I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much and I hope you'll find some peace one way or another.

 

[mrtime87]

I'm always weary of historical suicide accounts. I believe you're referring to Virginia Wolf who supposedly killed her pockets with rocks and drowned.

Logistically, this is pretty impossible unless she got caught in a current or had some pretty heavy boulders in her coat.

What gets me tho is the pain involved. Drowning doesn't seem like fun and sadly that was probably her last resort.

I don't get jealous over people suffering in death tho. Her death must have been long and drawn out.

Even guns deaths are gruesome and surely hurt.

I recently began researching death with dignity laws in Switzerland and can go estly way that's the way to go. They use a barbiturate and have a doctor assist. It's the most painless death you can have. The barbiturate puts you into a doma and then your respiratory system stops.

Sadly, I don't think I would qualify based on mental illness nor chronic pain, and the cost is around 12000 francs.

If Ohio ever adopted a law it would make people happy.

My own life is so full of failure and stupidity I honestly can say death is the only way out of my problems as well, but alas, I don't see it happening.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot CTB either, mostly because I don't have any methods.

Firearms aren't happening and I cannot hang myself knowing how long and drawn out that can be.

Inert gases seemed to be the way to go but when I tried argon I didn't go unconscious. That attempt was the closest I got to CTB but sadly failed.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I feel the same. Every day is just so painful for my mind, I constantly have headaches, I can't sleep, I feel like vomiting all the time. AND YET I CAN'T FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER WHY TF CAN'T I DO IT AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Don't be hard on yourself, ctbing is the hardest thing a person can do.
I'm feeling the same way I want so badly to ctb in the next ten days and it's terrifying, everyday that goes by and it gets closer to the day I'm more and more scared that I won't be able to do it.
This is absolute torture.
It's the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world so it's completely normal that you feel you can't do it and I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much and I hope you'll find some peace one way or another.

it's true what you are saying and what others on this thread are. But they call us cowards for wanting to suicide . i want freedom from this hell and i have to blow my head apart with a shotgun and they call that cowardly

 

[attheend13]

Don't be hard on yourself, ctbing is the hardest thing a person can do.
I'm feeling the same way I want so badly to ctb in the next ten days and it's terrifying, everyday that goes by and it gets closer to the day I'm more and more scared that I won't be able to do it.
This is absolute torture.
It's the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world so it's completely normal that you feel you can't do it and I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much and I hope you'll find some peace one way or another.

I agree as lonely as the rest of this life has been there's nothing more lonely than these days after you decide to die. You can't discuss it and I don't want to. Except here. It's a form of torture I don't wish on anyone frankly. But cowardly is not what it is. I have this lingering respect for life and silent bitter hope that providence will intercede and things get better. That is my greatest humiliation. Even with all this evidence that it's meaningless I still deep in my heart have hope. It's that and that alone that keeps me here still. It's stupidity.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

It's human instinct not to be able to commit, it's not your fault. you have to have lots of willpower to do it.

 

[Z-A]

Most of us are here for the same reason.
Not being able to do it doesn't make you a coward. It's not an easy way out. Pro-lifers use that term subconsciously to save each other by making us feel like failures and cowards when we want to CTB.

In reality, it's one of the hardest things a person can accomplish. You're literally fighting against nature, enduring a lot of pain and fear while your body does everything it can to keep you alive.

It takes everything to end everything.

 

[UnluckyBastard]

I fucking hate myself when I pussy out, I'm so fucking tired

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I agree as lonely as the rest of this life has been there's nothing more lonely than these days after you decide to die. You can't discuss it and I don't want to. Except here. It's a form of torture I don't wish on anyone frankly. But cowardly is not what it is. I have this lingering respect for life and silent bitter hope that providence will intercede and things get better. That is my greatest humiliation. Even with all this evidence that it's meaningless I still deep in my heart have hope. It's that and that alone that keeps me here still. It's stupidity.

For me, there was one thing more lonely: the weeks following my half assed attempt to CTB. The morning after was particularly rough. it was the longest month of my life. I couldn't talk to anybody about it, but it was like the only thing I could think about to all day. No one even knows about that attempt except the therapist I was kinda seeing during that time last year.I started seeing him again just so I could have someone to confess to. of course, in the end I got a "you need a higher level of care."

 

[uglyugly]

Thanks i just need it to happen feel like such a coward

I don't think you are a coward. I think a very primal urge to survive, which all humans have, is kicking in. I hope you can find some peace. Living is so very hard and if I've learned one thing being on this forum it's that dying is pretty damn hard, too.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

Not a coward. It's a brave act to wrestle with staying or not.

I love Christina's World as an image. I saw it in high school and it's basically how my entire life has been. Trapped to be looking to the default world and no way to get there

I resonate with the image so much too.

Don't be hard on yourself, ctbing is the hardest thing a person can do.
I'm feeling the same way I want so badly to ctb in the next ten days and it's terrifying, everyday that goes by and it gets closer to the day I'm more and more scared that I won't be able to do it.
This is absolute torture.
It's the scariest, loneliest feeling in the world so it's completely normal that you feel you can't do it and I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much and I hope you'll find some peace one way or another.

It is sheer torture, please if you have a reasonably healthy body I would reconsider it, I am only doing this because there is no way to get my health back

I'm always weary of historical suicide accounts. I believe you're referring to Virginia Wolf who supposedly killed her pockets with rocks and drowned.

Logistically, this is pretty impossible unless she got caught in a current or had some pretty heavy boulders in her coat.

What gets me tho is the pain involved. Drowning doesn't seem like fun and sadly that was probably her last resort.

I don't get jealous over people suffering in death tho. Her death must have been long and drawn out.

Even guns deaths are gruesome and surely hurt.

I recently began researching death with dignity laws in Switzerland and can go estly way that's the way to go. They use a barbiturate and have a doctor assist. It's the most painless death you can have. The barbiturate puts you into a doma and then your respiratory system stops.

Sadly, I don't think I would qualify based on mental illness nor chronic pain, and the cost is around 12000 francs.

If Ohio ever adopted a law it would make people happy.

My own life is so full of failure and stupidity I honestly can say death is the only way out of my problems as well, but alas, I don't see it happening.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot CTB either, mostly because I don't have any methods.

Firearms aren't happening and I cannot hang myself knowing how long and drawn out that can be.

Inert gases seemed to be the way to go but when I tried argon I didn't go unconscious. That attempt was the closest I got to CTB but sadly failed.

It's human instinct not to be able to commit, it's not your fault. you have to have lots of willpower to do it

It's human instinct not to be able to commit, it's not your fault. you have to have lots of willpower to do it.

I know, its easier to just rot. What is really sad is last night I calculated how many days I could have to endure in pain if I lived the time frame of an average woman. How fucking sad is that?!

I'm in the UK, it's so difficult here. What makes it worse is ive described my health situation to my family, friends and counsellors, everyone can only say 'that's horrific,i dont know what to say' but its terrifying to be trapped in it with no way out.

Most of us are here for the same reason.
Not being able to do it doesn't make you a coward. It's not an easy way out. Pro-lifers use that term subconsciously to save each other by making us feel like failures and cowards when we want to CTB.

In reality, it's one of the hardest things a person can accomplish. You're literally fighting against nature, enduring a lot of pain and fear while your body does everything it can to keep you alive.

It takes everything to end everything.

You're right, it's a horrible thing to have to do. I would advise anyone with a changeable situation not to do it.

 

[ropearoundatree]

I'm sorry for you @Chronicallyunwell ! Take care, any way ~ . . .