i have ultimately decided to dust off this account because i'm pretty much holding myself together with duct tape at this point. don't even know whether to put this in suicide disc. or recovery because i genuinely cant decide whether to give myself the small mercy of death or go on living. i want to remain living in defiance of the trump regime and all of the other fascist poison overtaking the world atm, but with how every little mistake i make drives me down a suicidal self-hatred spiral, i feel i'm not strong enough. i'm not perfect, as i'm a human, but i keep seeing how many people are perfect-er than i am and it makes me want to finish breaking my fractured identity until it can't draw breath anymore.
case in point, i was recently kindly informed by someone i know on discord that genai/llm usage doesn't actually cause parts of the brain to atrophy, and that i was accidentally spreading misinfo. now my distorted mind has convinced me that i'm no better than an anti-vaxxer and need to be tortured in hell for what i've done. i recognize that this isn't true, but it feels very very strongly like the only possible reality for me. besides, if i kill myself, there will be one less source of misinformation in the world, won't there?
see? this is why i'm a fucking moron. instead of working on righting my wrongs when i recognize them, they become solidified proof that i'm the problem and i need to be solved. fucking stupid bitch.
case in point, i was recently kindly informed by someone i know on discord that genai/llm usage doesn't actually cause parts of the brain to atrophy, and that i was accidentally spreading misinfo. now my distorted mind has convinced me that i'm no better than an anti-vaxxer and need to be tortured in hell for what i've done. i recognize that this isn't true, but it feels very very strongly like the only possible reality for me. besides, if i kill myself, there will be one less source of misinformation in the world, won't there?
see? this is why i'm a fucking moron. instead of working on righting my wrongs when i recognize them, they become solidified proof that i'm the problem and i need to be solved. fucking stupid bitch.
