orpheus_
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 21
I decided to share my quite positive story, maybe it will give some people hope. I know not all stories turn out like this and I realize that I was very lucky. Nevertheless I'm just a bit shocked with how things came out so far.
to provide some context, I've been suicidal for the last 3-4 years. Depressed since I can remember (I'm 20) but before I was too scared of dying. My main problems were always emotional numbness, anhedonia (throughout the last 2 years I don't remember feeling pleasure at all) and absolute lack of energy. I tried psychotherapy but I could never open up in front of a therapist, also my problems weren't really on a psychological level. I just didn't want to exist, not because of my life circumstances, but at all, I didn't know why. Existing was painful and I felt like my brain was rotting alive, slowly losing the ability to think.
I was reluctant towards taking antidepressants because I've heard many stories about them having terrible side effects. Also I convinced myself that my problem wasn't really 'depression', but I was just not made to live. Like fuck. There was just something in me telling me I should end it, at all times. I couldn't think about anything else on most days.
I got SN but I still needed to get antiemetics. My problem was that it required going to the doctor and getting a prescription but I was so scared of people that I kept putting it off. Still I was preparing my death, writing the final versions of goodbye notes. I'm the kind of person who would never want to go through a failed attempt (I only had one). My only problem was leaving my friend behind, who knew about all of this. I wanted to make her feel like she did everything she could for me so she would blame herself less, so I agreed to see a psychiatrist although I didn't think it would do anything.
I got prescribed fluoxetine, a SSRI, which I was scared of a bit because I've heard they tend to numb emotions and at that point I was pretty much feeling nothing besides occasional sadness. But at that point I didn't care if the meds would make shit worse because I was planning to die in the coming weeks. Anyway the psychiatrist I saw was just very comforting and kinda gave me hope that things would get better? So I gave it a shot. After ~2 weeks I started feeling a bit better. Oh shit. After a month, it was the first time I felt pleasure for a moment. I started having more energy and luckily I didn't get side effects besides lower apetite.
My suicidal thoughts were still there but I wanted to wait a bit to see what would happen, so I decided to 'postpone' my SN plan. ~2 months after starting meds, I started being like, "fuck I might actually think about living again". I didn't really see any future for myself though. I was brain dead for so long that I didn't know what to do with the energy I had. But well. I came back to college. Decided to hold on for a bit longer, because my friend that was helping be before was having a tough time herself and I wanted to help her. Around 40% of time, life was eh but bearable. The rest was still shit but well. I could take some interest in anything, and I didn't really feel most positive emotions, but I was more calm and was ok with just waiting to see what happens next.
Around 3-4 months in, my psychiatrist suggested increasing the medication dose and I was terrified of it, worried about the potential 'emotional numbing' effect. But I went with it. Turned out ok and things improved. I started socializing with people in college, and I even noticed that... through these few months, my social anxiety decreased A LOT. I've been scared of socializing since I was a kid, like I literally felt sick when I had to interact with people I didn't know. Apparently I was just... not so scared anymore? Might be related to the meds but idk. I didn't do anything else. I didn't do psychotherapy. I just stopped being so dead scared of everyone all of the sudden.
One day I had a thought like, 'fuck life seems to not be so bad after all?'. And then again. And again. I realized I might even be happy in some moments. It's not something very strong, but it's there. A feeling I literally forgot.
I still get bad days, random tiredness and lack of motivation, or random waves of sadness, urges to self harm or to kill myself. But I guess now they're less common and in general I have nothing against existing. Eh. Still might end up CTBing one day, because I'm not really.. that fond of living. Having to exist is just confusing and tiring.
Also I feel guilty because the friend that was with me at my lowest is going through a very hard time right now. I know that the prospect of my death emotionally affected her, especially since she has her own trauma and family problems. But I know I can help her now, when I feel better and can deal with reality decently. So I'm deciding to stay on this earth for now.
I'm quite greatful that I was so lucky. I had someone who would be there for me, even though I didn't ask. The first medication I got worked. I know people have various experiences with meds and I don't want to generalize, it's a bit of a hit or miss. But things are getting better for me, despite the fact that I have had lost all my hope at some point. I guess I have a bit of it again. Hoping to use this life to help others, to make this world a bit of a less cruel place.
tldr: I've been on antidepressants for ~6 months and that shit saved me (I was lucky), starting to see there's something good about this life
I hope some of you can have a similar story to tell one day.
to provide some context, I've been suicidal for the last 3-4 years. Depressed since I can remember (I'm 20) but before I was too scared of dying. My main problems were always emotional numbness, anhedonia (throughout the last 2 years I don't remember feeling pleasure at all) and absolute lack of energy. I tried psychotherapy but I could never open up in front of a therapist, also my problems weren't really on a psychological level. I just didn't want to exist, not because of my life circumstances, but at all, I didn't know why. Existing was painful and I felt like my brain was rotting alive, slowly losing the ability to think.
I was reluctant towards taking antidepressants because I've heard many stories about them having terrible side effects. Also I convinced myself that my problem wasn't really 'depression', but I was just not made to live. Like fuck. There was just something in me telling me I should end it, at all times. I couldn't think about anything else on most days.
I got SN but I still needed to get antiemetics. My problem was that it required going to the doctor and getting a prescription but I was so scared of people that I kept putting it off. Still I was preparing my death, writing the final versions of goodbye notes. I'm the kind of person who would never want to go through a failed attempt (I only had one). My only problem was leaving my friend behind, who knew about all of this. I wanted to make her feel like she did everything she could for me so she would blame herself less, so I agreed to see a psychiatrist although I didn't think it would do anything.
I got prescribed fluoxetine, a SSRI, which I was scared of a bit because I've heard they tend to numb emotions and at that point I was pretty much feeling nothing besides occasional sadness. But at that point I didn't care if the meds would make shit worse because I was planning to die in the coming weeks. Anyway the psychiatrist I saw was just very comforting and kinda gave me hope that things would get better? So I gave it a shot. After ~2 weeks I started feeling a bit better. Oh shit. After a month, it was the first time I felt pleasure for a moment. I started having more energy and luckily I didn't get side effects besides lower apetite.
My suicidal thoughts were still there but I wanted to wait a bit to see what would happen, so I decided to 'postpone' my SN plan. ~2 months after starting meds, I started being like, "fuck I might actually think about living again". I didn't really see any future for myself though. I was brain dead for so long that I didn't know what to do with the energy I had. But well. I came back to college. Decided to hold on for a bit longer, because my friend that was helping be before was having a tough time herself and I wanted to help her. Around 40% of time, life was eh but bearable. The rest was still shit but well. I could take some interest in anything, and I didn't really feel most positive emotions, but I was more calm and was ok with just waiting to see what happens next.
Around 3-4 months in, my psychiatrist suggested increasing the medication dose and I was terrified of it, worried about the potential 'emotional numbing' effect. But I went with it. Turned out ok and things improved. I started socializing with people in college, and I even noticed that... through these few months, my social anxiety decreased A LOT. I've been scared of socializing since I was a kid, like I literally felt sick when I had to interact with people I didn't know. Apparently I was just... not so scared anymore? Might be related to the meds but idk. I didn't do anything else. I didn't do psychotherapy. I just stopped being so dead scared of everyone all of the sudden.
One day I had a thought like, 'fuck life seems to not be so bad after all?'. And then again. And again. I realized I might even be happy in some moments. It's not something very strong, but it's there. A feeling I literally forgot.
I still get bad days, random tiredness and lack of motivation, or random waves of sadness, urges to self harm or to kill myself. But I guess now they're less common and in general I have nothing against existing. Eh. Still might end up CTBing one day, because I'm not really.. that fond of living. Having to exist is just confusing and tiring.
Also I feel guilty because the friend that was with me at my lowest is going through a very hard time right now. I know that the prospect of my death emotionally affected her, especially since she has her own trauma and family problems. But I know I can help her now, when I feel better and can deal with reality decently. So I'm deciding to stay on this earth for now.
I'm quite greatful that I was so lucky. I had someone who would be there for me, even though I didn't ask. The first medication I got worked. I know people have various experiences with meds and I don't want to generalize, it's a bit of a hit or miss. But things are getting better for me, despite the fact that I have had lost all my hope at some point. I guess I have a bit of it again. Hoping to use this life to help others, to make this world a bit of a less cruel place.
tldr: I've been on antidepressants for ~6 months and that shit saved me (I was lucky), starting to see there's something good about this life
I hope some of you can have a similar story to tell one day.
