Venting I came in with high hopes but, I think me getting accepted into this is a sign need some help/advice please this is a last resort it feels?

[dreaming_of_pearl]

I was thinking about it, some things happened and I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't think I can keep living life hurting others, unintentionally but I'm still hurting others..


So I have bpd, I'm autistic, and I have some other stuff but it just comes hand in hand with those 2… I've been trying to recover but each time I try to recover, I honestly get dragged into more things and then by some unfortunate miracle of nature I end up hurting people because either people feed me the wrong information or I misinterpret the things around me. I even lost my best freind all because I was under the assumption I need to care less what others think so I did something that hurt him, and honestly it's like he said no matter how much I apologize I don't get better I say that all the time too, how I dream of getting better but apparently I make no progress… I didn't want to to be true but I think I'm out of time to try and save myself… if I stay alive based on the past I won't get better no matter how many methods I try, and I'll forever be stuck in a cycle of hurting the people I love the most.. so I guess I really thing CTB is like, that's it…. I've seen how people like me end up it isn't good you end up cancelled and hated, and even though my gf might have kind of gotten me into this from what I was just told, I feel like it's my fault not hers I love her too much she held my body so gently despite me being so rough and hard for others to hold… I want to CTB but I fear some things… I fear what happens when I die I've never tripped hard on things except once so I don't know what to expect and… I wanna see my hedgehog pearl again… if there's one thing I want to stay with me it's her I love her I'm scared to leave her behind but my parents will take care of her I belive they will my mom loves her, and second I'm scared of failure, and throwing up it's why I have failed before and stopped vomit is a huge sensory overload I can't do it I want to go peacefully and as painlessly as I can… but then I don't want to go I wish to live and love my freinds and even those who are no longer my freinds but, being realistic I don't think that might ever be possible from me, even from a young age I felt that I was not going to make it till the end and honestly with each turn of life I regret not CTB over and over and over… this time nobody in my life is going to know because I know it's going to burden them more if I seem suicidal and am pushing it on them so this time… even from my gf I'm going solo into this so dear strangers… please please if it's so kind give me advice link threads, please please just end my suffering in anyway I don't care even if I am gone I don't wanna see people sad because of me… I wanna go dream forever and wait for my baby pearl she's a hedgehog but she's my soul, when she joins me after she's lived a long life then I will be at peace just the 2 of us so nobody will be hurt from me again.. also would it be easier for me to disappear then CTB or to just do it and not have to worry about somone I know changing my mind… because then I will have just caused them to suffer more because of me

And yes I know it's bad to post about a situation on the internet I'm being as vague as I can be this time to not hurt the ones I love, but I don't think they can help me with this because I know they are good people… they believe I'm saveable, since I was 16 something in me died and I never was the same…
Also for legal reasons, I am fine rn I'm sitting in my bed I am not suicidal I am litterally chilling I just want somone to talk to about this

 

[Aisley]

Welcome, and sorry you're here. Bpd and autism, that's gotta be rough. And, for the legalities, though it's awesome you're mindful of such things, It's alright for you to say you're in the middle of ctb'ing, just not alright to ask us to egg you on, you know?
Anyway, none of this is a race. The major purpose of this place is for you to research, find something that works for you, and get everything together for it. Good luck finding something useful.

Suicide Resource Compilation

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sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really awful and tiring what you are going through, sadly suicide just isn't straightforward in this world but I hope that you eventually find peace from all the suffering, there certainly is no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here. And also I don't really think it's bad to post about wanting to die on here, that's the whole point of this site, a place for suicidal people to vent openly without all the stigma surrounding suicide.