I broke her…

[goodoldnoname923]

She always held onto the emotional scars i left her with…every outburst..every passive aggressive comment…every horrible and awful thing i did and say to her…it always left marks

Yet she was always able to throw it behind her and smile at me like nothing had ever happened…for years this went on…and for years I didn't think…for years i didn't realise how damaging i really was to her…she always seemed like such a strong soul…perhaps i never fully comprehended how much i hurt her…i could never see the impact of my behavior after all

The shakes she would have…the panic attacks…the sobbing i caused her…the self hatred…all the pain stress suffering and toture i caused her for years…i broke her…i broke her when all she did was try to support me…and even when she tried to tell me even when she tried to speak up…i even asked her too…it was rare it ever got through to me…and even then when stuff did go through did anything come of it…

I fucking broke her…i fuckinf destoryed her…because of how unhappy i was,because of how emotionally unstable i always was….because of how clingy and codependent on her i was…because of how broken i was…

She hates me with a passion i know she does…she despises me…she cares for me no longer…she fears me when anyone mentions my name…she removed me from her mind completely….she doesn't wish good on me anymore

I abused her for years…i snapped at her for years…i raged at her for years..i had outbursts on her daily…i did so much i fail to even realise…i was awful to her…day after day after week after month…i was awful to her…i screamed at her because she couldn't be there for me or do I certain thing i wanted to do…

I made her feel scared…i made her feel depressed…i made her feel inadequate…i made her feel fucking awful

She rarely ever spoke out because she was afraid i would snap…or even if she did manage to get through to me would it even matter…i broke her…i fucking broke her…for years and years and years and years….

I broke her…and I couldn't even fucking see it…i was too stupid to fucking realise i was too dense to fuckinf realise i was too emotionally fragile to even listen…I couldn't look in the fucking mirror…I should've fucking known…I should've fucking listened I should've done so much fucking more and i barely did anything….

I deserve all the abuse i get for what i did to her…i deserve all the hate for what i did to her…i deserve all of it…i broke her…for years and years and years…i broke her i abused her…i destoryed her

I gave her more shit than her parents ever had…i made her already shitty life worse than it was…i loved her…and i fucking destoryed her…i never expressed my loce for her…i never expressed my affection for her…i never expressed my appreciation for her…i never wished her well…i never respected her wishes and boundaries…i did so fucking much…i know i did…i know my mind is trying to repress it to black it out…so i don't have to face it so i don't have to remember…so i can continue to live in this delusion…

I fucking broke her and i deserve to have lost her…and i don't deaerve anyone like her ever again…doesn't matter how much i need her doesnt matter how much i sink it doesn't matter how much i suffer…i fucking deserve it…all of it

I need someone to abuse me…i need someone to break me…i need someone to beat me up both emotionally and mentally…i need someone to make me suffer the way i made her suffer…

 

[Ichigo]

What happened?

 

[goodoldnoname923]

What happened?

I mean i feel i somewhat relayed this in the post…i knew her for 6 years…and honestly despite all those years i only have a vague picture or what happened yet i lived it…but i suppose she was the only one suffering from it…i suppose i did too but nowhere near as much as she did

I abused her for 6 years and for the most part was none of the wiser to it…i was aware i had meltdowns and struggles sure…but it was rare i even acknowledged them or even apologised for them…and in my mind they always seemed less significant or frequent than they were in actual reality…it's disheartening…i wish i could tell yiu the full story but I'm just simply not aware most of what i say is basically retellings from muiltple people…my mind just doesn't want to go back to it and does everything to protect me from the truth…but deep down…i know….some part of me knows…and i know i need to suffer for it and break every part of self pity i have in me

 

[Ichigo]

I mean i feel i somewhat relayed this in the post…i knew her for 6 years…and honestly despite all those years i only have a vague picture or what happened yet i lived it…but i suppose she was the only one suffering from it…i suppose i did too but nowhere near as much as she did

I abused her for 6 years and for the most part was none of the wiser to it…i was aware i had meltdowns and struggles sure…but it was rare i even acknowledged them or even apologised for them…and in my mind they always seemed less significant or frequent than they were in actual reality…it's disheartening…i wish i could tell yiu the full story but I'm just simply not aware most of what i say is basically retellings from muiltple people…my mind just doesn't want to go back to it and does everything to protect me from the truth…but deep down…i know….some part of me knows…and i know i need to suffer for it and break every part of self pity i have in me

It is okay if you can not tell me the full story. The fact that you even replied at all makes me happy. you're not obligated to tell me anything, you know?
But yeah, that sounds really rough... Ive never had a relationship like that before so i cant imagine how it would be...im sorry i cant give any advice.
But i dont think youre nessacarily a evil person. You seem to have genuine remorse over the situation....

 

[goodoldnoname923]

It is okay if you can not tell me the full story. The fact that you even replied at all makes me happy. you're not obligated to tell me anything, you know?
But yeah, that sounds really rough... Ive never had a relationship like that before so i cant imagine how it would be...im sorry i cant give any advice.
But i dont think youre nessacarily a evil person. You seem to have genuine remorse over the situation....

It's not about me not wanting to tell the story or lying to you…i just can't face the story or be honest with myself so how can i do so with others…i only managaed to get out what i did because my mind breifly unlocked those memories in a way but even then they feel extremely disconnected extremely distant like they never happened but they did

And maybe i'm not a genuine evil person but that doesn't mean i don't deserve to suffer for what i did…that doesn't mean someone shouldn't break me the way i did to her…I definitely do feel remorse and guilt but isn't it often overshadowed by all the sorrow and self pity i often feel…maybe i have regret and self hatred for what i've done but does it really matter

 

[Ichigo]

It's not about me not wanting to tell the story or lying to you…i just can't face the story or be honest with myself so how can i do so with others…i only managaed to get out what i did because my mind breifly unlocked those memories in a way but even then they feel extremely disconnected extremely distant like they never happened but they did

And maybe i'm not a genuine evil person but that doesn't mean i don't deserve to suffer for what i did…that doesn't mean someone shouldn't break me the way i did to her…I definitely do feel remorse and guilt but isn't it often overshadowed by all the sorrow and self pity i often feel…maybe i have regret and self hatred for what i've done but does it reall

oh i see, well... still i wish you happiness. Hope you manage to lose some of the self hatred soom...

 

[goodoldnoname923]

oh i see, well... still i wish you happiness. Hope you manage to lose some of the self hatred soom...

I don't deserve happiness I deserve suffering abuse and pain

 

[goodoldnoname923]

There are things that can't be forgiven by saying sorry. I will never forgive the person I hate, no matter what they say. They even say their wish is for me to kill them, but that will never happen in reality. What's the use of pain or abuse? The price of sin is usually paid in money, but what is the price of the pain I have suffered so far? Rather than pain or abuse, just do what the person wants. That's death. That way you don't ruin her life. Do it even if you're scared. Is being scared more important than the wrong you've done to someone?

Ehh i'm not sure I entirely argee with what your saying tbh but i'll take your feedback on board all the same

 

[Saturn_]

Absolutely disagree with what's been said above, that's a decision you should come to on your own terms. I don't believe you should kill yourself because of past shittiness to this girl. Maybe you can never apologize, but there are other ways of showing improvement besides killing yourself, if you really want to make it up to this person and give her peace of mind. Don't do it because someone else wants you to. You must put aside time and really think about what is best for you. You have the opportunity to move forward despite past abuse or mistreatment of others. You don't have to kill yourself in order to stop hurting others.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Absolutely disagree with what's been said above, that's a decision you should come to on your own terms. I don't believe you should kill yourself because of past shittiness to this girl. Maybe you can never apologize, but there are other ways of showing improvement besides killing yourself, if you really want to make it up to this person and give her peace of mind. Don't do it because someone else wants you to. You must put aside time and really think about what is best for you. You have the opportunity to move forward despite past abuse or mistreatment of others. You don't have to kill yourself in order to stop hurting others.

Honestly the main reason i wanted to kill myself was because of not being able to live or desl without her…i think if she found out i did she would feel guilty or maybe relieved idk. As for moving forward the thing is i'm not sure i can but it seems to be what everyone is pushing me toward on the other hand though people say it's possible for me to change but idrk if i can hence why killing myself could prevent me continuing to hurt people

 

[Esokabat]

Just some insight, both borderline personality disorder people and covert narcissist do these abuses in a relationship. And I am sure many other conditions that I don't know about. As far as borderline and covert narcissism, I know they are often caused by childhood abandonment issue. The person I know about had a loving mom but she got very sick as a small child and spent months at the hospital. And her mom had to work as she was a single mom, so this little girl was abandoned in a hospital with a nurse that would occasionally scare her for fun. As an adult, this lack of love and abandonment caused borderline, among other things. Borderline is a terrible disease when it comes to relationships. You cause others constant trauma, suffering, drama, volcanic explosions, fight, extreme fear of abandonment which causes even more fights, complete lack of tolerance of any criticism, no self awareness, feeling a victim, people are hurting you, you are empty. It is incurable. A lifelong disease. All goes back of the abandonment of a child, lack of love and safety. Even if you don't have borderline or narcissism, just wanted to point out that these destructive diseases that destroy both you and anyone close to you all go back to lack of love in a critical period. So asking for someone to hurt you will never cause any healing or relief as you have to understand what is the root cause. The root cause is lack of love. It is incredible how childhood trauma can cause a personality disease that cannot really be fully cured and will be with you for the rest of your life. You have to forgive yourself. I also try to forgive the person I know, because I know it is a disease and they are not responsible. How can you be responsible for what happen to you in childhood. Still, it is not easy to fully forgive as these people create so much suffering, damage and trauma. But once you understand the root cause, it is easier to forgive. You can also try to forgive yourself and try to heal the inner child that at one point in their development experienced something, lack of love, abandonment, isolation, violence, whatever it was, it was not your fault. And the answer is not asking for more hurt. The answer is self love and self forgiveness. Even though I am not sure if full healing is possible, I think it can get better if you work on the root cause

 

[lifeisgay]

she belong to the streets

 

[MM's the name]

Well friend, are you sorry?

Your girlfriend saw something in you keep working to better yourself. If it is possible to reconcile try, pray and keep pushing. It won't be easy.
I'm no saint either we're all sinners ask God for forgiveness and your girlfriend too. Jesus loves you friend and I do too.

Your choice friend

 

[starryhrtz]

She always held onto the emotional scars i left her with…every outburst..every passive aggressive comment…every horrible and awful thing i did and say to her…it always left marks

Yet she was always able to throw it behind her and smile at me like nothing had ever happened…for years this went on…and for years I didn't think…for years i didn't realise how damaging i really was to her…she always seemed like such a strong soul…perhaps i never fully comprehended how much i hurt her…i could never see the impact of my behavior after all

The shakes she would have…the panic attacks…the sobbing i caused her…the self hatred…all the pain stress suffering and toture i caused her for years…i broke her…i broke her when all she did was try to support me…and even when she tried to tell me even when she tried to speak up…i even asked her too…it was rare it ever got through to me…and even then when stuff did go through did anything come of it…

I fucking broke her…i fuckinf destoryed her…because of how unhappy i was,because of how emotionally unstable i always was….because of how clingy and codependent on her i was…because of how broken i was…

She hates me with a passion i know she does…she despises me…she cares for me no longer…she fears me when anyone mentions my name…she removed me from her mind completely….she doesn't wish good on me anymore

I abused her for years…i snapped at her for years…i raged at her for years..i had outbursts on her daily…i did so much i fail to even realise…i was awful to her…day after day after week after month…i was awful to her…i screamed at her because she couldn't be there for me or do I certain thing i wanted to do…

I made her feel scared…i made her feel depressed…i made her feel inadequate…i made her feel fucking awful

She rarely ever spoke out because she was afraid i would snap…or even if she did manage to get through to me would it even matter…i broke her…i fucking broke her…for years and years and years and years….

I broke her…and I couldn't even fucking see it…i was too stupid to fucking realise i was too dense to fuckinf realise i was too emotionally fragile to even listen…I couldn't look in the fucking mirror…I should've fucking known…I should've fucking listened I should've done so much fucking more and i barely did anything….

I deserve all the abuse i get for what i did to her…i deserve all the hate for what i did to her…i deserve all of it…i broke her…for years and years and years…i broke her i abused her…i destoryed her

I gave her more shit than her parents ever had…i made her already shitty life worse than it was…i loved her…and i fucking destoryed her…i never expressed my loce for her…i never expressed my affection for her…i never expressed my appreciation for her…i never wished her well…i never respected her wishes and boundaries…i did so fucking much…i know i did…i know my mind is trying to repress it to black it out…so i don't have to face it so i don't have to remember…so i can continue to live in this delusion…

I fucking broke her and i deserve to have lost her…and i don't deaerve anyone like her ever again…doesn't matter how much i need her doesnt matter how much i sink it doesn't matter how much i suffer…i fucking deserve it…all of it

I need someone to abuse me…i need someone to break me…i need someone to beat me up both emotionally and mentally…i need someone to make me suffer the way i made her suffer…

im the type of person to wish the worst for people who hurt me but you honestly seem like you're already paying the price of your actions mentally and it's definitely okay to move on. i genuinely believe you could better yourself. you seem genuinely apologetic and thats what makes me believe youre not actually a bad person maybe you just had horrible ways of coping with your past issues. try not to mentally self destruct more than you already are it could backfire