I'm disabled, 30 something, live in a toxic family household, tried hard as possible to earn a good life, and I'm tired of trying. A while back I made a vow to myself that I will off myself by late 2022 if I haven't been able to fix my life or found a solid solution.
I can't work even in a PT job anymore due to autistic burnout, often family members call me names like lazy/failure to launch/and other names, when my sister gets drunk or high and I mentioned anything like "please stop using autism as a weapon" (she keeps using my autism against me. Like today she said they is able to get a job, and how even with me being sober I can't. And saying her kids must be autistic when they are acting up) I am the one who gets yelled at or threaten to be kicked out, and I'm just always tired of things. And it isn't like I didn't try my hardest. I've gotten 4 degrees, I self taught myself how to code and other things when I was told that would get me a job, I taught myself how to invest only to find out it takes nearly half a million to invest with just to make a livable salary, I tried many many many things to include going into the military (only to find out the military has policies against people who are autistic from joining). Hell, I even worked in a number of places where I dealt with real workplace harassment to the point one place lowered my pay to $8 a week due to a bet to see how low they could go before I quit.
I'm scared of dying. I'm scared it will hurt, and I'm scared what will happen after. But I'm more scared what will happen if I don't end my life. I'm scared that I might have to off myself sooner because I might get kicked out. I'm scared I might not be able to off myself not because I don't want to/mentally can't, but physically can't. I'm scared I might get locked up in a nut house.
I hate this life. If I have a choice on if I get to come back, if I can't fully control things to the point of fully remembering my past, I would pick to just not exist at all.
I can't work even in a PT job anymore due to autistic burnout, often family members call me names like lazy/failure to launch/and other names, when my sister gets drunk or high and I mentioned anything like "please stop using autism as a weapon" (she keeps using my autism against me. Like today she said they is able to get a job, and how even with me being sober I can't. And saying her kids must be autistic when they are acting up) I am the one who gets yelled at or threaten to be kicked out, and I'm just always tired of things. And it isn't like I didn't try my hardest. I've gotten 4 degrees, I self taught myself how to code and other things when I was told that would get me a job, I taught myself how to invest only to find out it takes nearly half a million to invest with just to make a livable salary, I tried many many many things to include going into the military (only to find out the military has policies against people who are autistic from joining). Hell, I even worked in a number of places where I dealt with real workplace harassment to the point one place lowered my pay to $8 a week due to a bet to see how low they could go before I quit.
I'm scared of dying. I'm scared it will hurt, and I'm scared what will happen after. But I'm more scared what will happen if I don't end my life. I'm scared that I might have to off myself sooner because I might get kicked out. I'm scared I might not be able to off myself not because I don't want to/mentally can't, but physically can't. I'm scared I might get locked up in a nut house.
I hate this life. If I have a choice on if I get to come back, if I can't fully control things to the point of fully remembering my past, I would pick to just not exist at all.
