I bought the thing months ago, and had it specially customed at a tailor so that it had only one continuous piece of strap.
I spent fair amount of time "reading" on the subject; how to find the arteries etc.
I had the thing in my home for months, and I would periodically practice using it.
The fact that I had it in my house made me believe that I could leave at any time I wish. It was like an exit door that provided me a sense of safety and comfort for months.
Well, it was 25 days ago that I finally decided to do it. I made sure to do it by the end of the day so that I was very sleepy and tired. It was a situation that I thought would force me do it, in contrast to doing it at the start of the day where I would think "oh I just woke up, might as well spend the day doing the usual useless stuff".
At night, I wrapped the thing around my neck, and had two pieces of rubber erasers on my neck below the strap, so that they would press on where I thought the arteries were. I chose rubber eraser because I thought they were hard enough to block the blood, but still wouldn't feel to harsh on the skin.
I tightened the strap around my neck to the point that any one more round of tightening would start the process of blocking the arteries.
Then I spent long hours in bed talking myself into doing it. I almost fell asleep few times. I was holding the piece of metal by my hand the entire time making sure I do it before I fall asleep with the heavy metal piece pressing on my neck.
Well, after long hours I finally got the courage to do it, and in a fast way did multiple rounds of tightening. The first seconds hit my strong, and I definitely felt it. I immediately started feeling the pulses in my neck pushing strongly against the strap as if it was going to explode. My head was going crazy, It felt like as if it was expanding and shrinking periodically, or swinging back and forth. But I genuinely felt good; It was the climax of long hours trying to do it, and I had the best feeling of relief as I closed my eyes and thought I was finally going to lay in peace.
So I lied there waiting to pass out. I was sure I was going to go unconscious in a matter of 10-15 seconds or less.
Well, after what felt to me like more than enough time had passed I started panicking, as I noticed I was still able to move my arms.
I freaked out and started adjusting the rubber eraser's places to hit "the perfect spots", then I'd wait for more time to see if I go unconscious. My head and pulse were still going crazy but the lights are still on. After repeating this multiple times I freaked out more, as I really didn't want the nightmare of surviving and living as a vegetable, and I started to believe that at this rate it will actually happen.
Ratchet straps are supposed to have an immediate unlock mechanism, but mine was either faulty or just too cheap, as I've tried it multiple times over the months and it didn't work. So every time I had to manually unlock it in a way that's impossible to do when doing the thing for real. But I never saw this as problem, because I was sure the thing would work.
Well, in midst of horror, I was able to remove the two erasers that I used to press on my neck, which luckily was able to barely stop the process. I say "luckily" because when I was tightening the thing I made sure it was really tight, and I was going for one more round of tightening but I stopped because at the last moment I felt my throat was about to be crushed, even though I had the metal piece positioned not directly on my throat, but slightly to the side of my neck. Had I made that one more round of tightening, the process would've not stopped when I removed the erasers, and I would've had no chance at doing anything but lay there and wait for the nightmare to happen.
I was then lying in bed, at around 1 am, with this thing that I can't get off my neck. I thought it was tight enough to give me brain damage in not too long time. I tried to get up but couldn't at first, as my neck would hurt me strongly whenever I tried to move. But after few tries with different ways, I managed to get up.
I immediately left the house, and rushed towards the very small local medical center that's literally next to my house to ask them to get the thing off my body, but I found them closed. On my way back I found a person doing something with his motorbike. I asked the person, who I thought was a delivery guy, to not get afraid and just tell me if he has a pair of scissors. He rushed to his house and brought scissors, and after a while he was able to get the thing off me. I was tasting blood deep in my throat, and my entire throat was very runny. I spat saliva and it was red.
I thanked the guy and really wanted to get back home, but he asked me stay and talk with him in a small park next to us. I felt it would be rude to say no. Well, after few minutes of him repeating the question " why did you do it?" an ambulance van arrived. When I asked him why he did that he smiled and showed me his police ID card.
Shortly after, a minimum of 4 police cars also arrived.
They all gathered around me for like 20 minutes staring at me while they took turns asking me questions. Then they said I should go to a hospital. I was too serious about not wanting to go, I expressed it very strongly and repeatedly, but at the end one of them put his hands on my shoulder and said " You're either going by your will or against it".
So, they told me to leave my phone with them, and searched my body. Then they told me to get in the ambulance van. I asked to get my phone back, they hesitated a bit but then decided to give it back to me.
We arrived at the hospital around 2 am. Before I drop off the van they stopped me, and told me to wait as they put the syringe needle in my arm. Just the needle, without any liquid bag attached to it.
The ambulance guys lead me to the emergency room or a similar room, as I'm still not sure what it was. People started coming to me and asking questions, ambulance guys were saying in the loudest voice "Suicide!".
At this point I have expressed clearly to everyone who came to me that I didn't want to be there, and I was brought against my will. Nobody cared. At first many people came to me, and they would talk loudly about how I wanted to suicide. Patients and random people around me could listen.
Then what I think is a doctor came. The first thing she said to me was "What happened this night?"
I was startled, and at this point so frustrated. Well again, before I spoke, people shouted "suicide". When I told her I don't wanna be here she said I can't leave because what I did was "criminal", then she left and never came back.
I stayed in that cold freezing room full of people and beeping devices for more than 6 hours. The only medical attention I got was that they checked my blood pressure when I first came in. They didn't mind taking the device off my arm, so after like 10 minutes I realized it's still on my arm and removed it myself. The syringe needle stayed in my arm the entire time without any bag of liquid, just the needle. I told them that I have a headache and I taste blood in my throat and that my throat is runny. But they did nothing. I didn't even get a bottle of water. Every now and then I would go and tell someone that I wanted to leave, they would say in the rudest way possible "you can't leave, go back to your bed". I would then ask them what are they making me stay for, and they would say " A psychiatrist is coming". Well sure, a psychiatrist is coming at this late hour for me!
Hours passed by before I asked them to go to the toilet. They sent someone with me to wait for me at toilet door so I don't escape. Then finally around 8 am I asked to go to the toilet again. This time they let me go alone. Well, I just walked out of the hospital.
Once I was away, I started running. I took a taxi and went back home. I had to remove the syringe needle from my arm by myself. An unknown number called me shortly after and I just declined, I was sure it was them.
They next day, I found out in my online medical records that it says I have attended an appointment with a specific psychiatrist in that hospital that day, and that I was diagnosed with "general symptoms".
To this day I don't know how I failed. Maybe I didn't tighten it too much, maybe I didn't hit the spots.
I'm still very suicidal, it's just that I can't find a method.
My neck is much better now, but it still hurts me often specially when I move it or position it in specific ways, or when I get tired physically like walking.
I wanted to post this here to possibly warn people intending to use this method. I was serious while using it and really intending to die but I still failed.
I spent fair amount of time "reading" on the subject; how to find the arteries etc.
I had the thing in my home for months, and I would periodically practice using it.
The fact that I had it in my house made me believe that I could leave at any time I wish. It was like an exit door that provided me a sense of safety and comfort for months.
Well, it was 25 days ago that I finally decided to do it. I made sure to do it by the end of the day so that I was very sleepy and tired. It was a situation that I thought would force me do it, in contrast to doing it at the start of the day where I would think "oh I just woke up, might as well spend the day doing the usual useless stuff".
At night, I wrapped the thing around my neck, and had two pieces of rubber erasers on my neck below the strap, so that they would press on where I thought the arteries were. I chose rubber eraser because I thought they were hard enough to block the blood, but still wouldn't feel to harsh on the skin.
I tightened the strap around my neck to the point that any one more round of tightening would start the process of blocking the arteries.
Then I spent long hours in bed talking myself into doing it. I almost fell asleep few times. I was holding the piece of metal by my hand the entire time making sure I do it before I fall asleep with the heavy metal piece pressing on my neck.
Well, after long hours I finally got the courage to do it, and in a fast way did multiple rounds of tightening. The first seconds hit my strong, and I definitely felt it. I immediately started feeling the pulses in my neck pushing strongly against the strap as if it was going to explode. My head was going crazy, It felt like as if it was expanding and shrinking periodically, or swinging back and forth. But I genuinely felt good; It was the climax of long hours trying to do it, and I had the best feeling of relief as I closed my eyes and thought I was finally going to lay in peace.
So I lied there waiting to pass out. I was sure I was going to go unconscious in a matter of 10-15 seconds or less.
Well, after what felt to me like more than enough time had passed I started panicking, as I noticed I was still able to move my arms.
I freaked out and started adjusting the rubber eraser's places to hit "the perfect spots", then I'd wait for more time to see if I go unconscious. My head and pulse were still going crazy but the lights are still on. After repeating this multiple times I freaked out more, as I really didn't want the nightmare of surviving and living as a vegetable, and I started to believe that at this rate it will actually happen.
Ratchet straps are supposed to have an immediate unlock mechanism, but mine was either faulty or just too cheap, as I've tried it multiple times over the months and it didn't work. So every time I had to manually unlock it in a way that's impossible to do when doing the thing for real. But I never saw this as problem, because I was sure the thing would work.
Well, in midst of horror, I was able to remove the two erasers that I used to press on my neck, which luckily was able to barely stop the process. I say "luckily" because when I was tightening the thing I made sure it was really tight, and I was going for one more round of tightening but I stopped because at the last moment I felt my throat was about to be crushed, even though I had the metal piece positioned not directly on my throat, but slightly to the side of my neck. Had I made that one more round of tightening, the process would've not stopped when I removed the erasers, and I would've had no chance at doing anything but lay there and wait for the nightmare to happen.
I was then lying in bed, at around 1 am, with this thing that I can't get off my neck. I thought it was tight enough to give me brain damage in not too long time. I tried to get up but couldn't at first, as my neck would hurt me strongly whenever I tried to move. But after few tries with different ways, I managed to get up.
I immediately left the house, and rushed towards the very small local medical center that's literally next to my house to ask them to get the thing off my body, but I found them closed. On my way back I found a person doing something with his motorbike. I asked the person, who I thought was a delivery guy, to not get afraid and just tell me if he has a pair of scissors. He rushed to his house and brought scissors, and after a while he was able to get the thing off me. I was tasting blood deep in my throat, and my entire throat was very runny. I spat saliva and it was red.
I thanked the guy and really wanted to get back home, but he asked me stay and talk with him in a small park next to us. I felt it would be rude to say no. Well, after few minutes of him repeating the question " why did you do it?" an ambulance van arrived. When I asked him why he did that he smiled and showed me his police ID card.
Shortly after, a minimum of 4 police cars also arrived.
They all gathered around me for like 20 minutes staring at me while they took turns asking me questions. Then they said I should go to a hospital. I was too serious about not wanting to go, I expressed it very strongly and repeatedly, but at the end one of them put his hands on my shoulder and said " You're either going by your will or against it".
So, they told me to leave my phone with them, and searched my body. Then they told me to get in the ambulance van. I asked to get my phone back, they hesitated a bit but then decided to give it back to me.
We arrived at the hospital around 2 am. Before I drop off the van they stopped me, and told me to wait as they put the syringe needle in my arm. Just the needle, without any liquid bag attached to it.
The ambulance guys lead me to the emergency room or a similar room, as I'm still not sure what it was. People started coming to me and asking questions, ambulance guys were saying in the loudest voice "Suicide!".
At this point I have expressed clearly to everyone who came to me that I didn't want to be there, and I was brought against my will. Nobody cared. At first many people came to me, and they would talk loudly about how I wanted to suicide. Patients and random people around me could listen.
Then what I think is a doctor came. The first thing she said to me was "What happened this night?"
I was startled, and at this point so frustrated. Well again, before I spoke, people shouted "suicide". When I told her I don't wanna be here she said I can't leave because what I did was "criminal", then she left and never came back.
I stayed in that cold freezing room full of people and beeping devices for more than 6 hours. The only medical attention I got was that they checked my blood pressure when I first came in. They didn't mind taking the device off my arm, so after like 10 minutes I realized it's still on my arm and removed it myself. The syringe needle stayed in my arm the entire time without any bag of liquid, just the needle. I told them that I have a headache and I taste blood in my throat and that my throat is runny. But they did nothing. I didn't even get a bottle of water. Every now and then I would go and tell someone that I wanted to leave, they would say in the rudest way possible "you can't leave, go back to your bed". I would then ask them what are they making me stay for, and they would say " A psychiatrist is coming". Well sure, a psychiatrist is coming at this late hour for me!
Hours passed by before I asked them to go to the toilet. They sent someone with me to wait for me at toilet door so I don't escape. Then finally around 8 am I asked to go to the toilet again. This time they let me go alone. Well, I just walked out of the hospital.
Once I was away, I started running. I took a taxi and went back home. I had to remove the syringe needle from my arm by myself. An unknown number called me shortly after and I just declined, I was sure it was them.
They next day, I found out in my online medical records that it says I have attended an appointment with a specific psychiatrist in that hospital that day, and that I was diagnosed with "general symptoms".
To this day I don't know how I failed. Maybe I didn't tighten it too much, maybe I didn't hit the spots.
I'm still very suicidal, it's just that I can't find a method.
My neck is much better now, but it still hurts me often specially when I move it or position it in specific ways, or when I get tired physically like walking.
I wanted to post this here to possibly warn people intending to use this method. I was serious while using it and really intending to die but I still failed.
