I asked myself what would it take

[Thatdude]

So many times in the past I tried to off myself and failed. But other times I wish I was dead but did nothing, as if more time was the answer. This morning I sat in my car crying from the stress and basically zone out for maybe 30 minutes to an hour. I started thinking to myself. I set plans before to kill myself. Why haven't I before? Like I say I want it to be painless, but I'm not finding a easy access to painless methods, so why not just do it. What would it realistically take for me to off myself?
If someone put a gun in front of me and just walked away, I know I would use it on me. But, that's asking for permission.

I know a major hang up is IDK what will happen after if there is an after. But IDK, it feels like something else is a major hang up on me not just getting it over with and ending this pain. I know it isn't the pain because it is what is causing me wanting to die. Like the stress from the daily life, toxic family, no chance to realistically get to a better situation in my lifetime, and so on. That is pushing me to want to off myself now. But it seems there is just some hang up which is blocking me from finally getting it over for once and for all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all suicide isn't straightforward especially as we exist in a world where suicide is purposely made so difficult for people, it must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation but anyway best wishes.

 

[Huntfish34]

Same for me , along with numerous others on SS I imagine.... I seriously, could not have put it in to words better than you did.

This past Saturday night, I made a promise to myself that I was gonna off myself.... No Matter What, no more excuses , or dumbass mental mind games based on hope or the false sense that time will eventually heal for a better future.

Had Everything I wanted to seal the deal. ( I thought ) Was at my Dad's creek to have my ultimate peace in mother nature, plenty of alcohol, good weed, 2 hits of blotter, and some left over fireworks to go out with a bang so to speak.... And Still couldn't manage to pull the Fckn trigger as I held the barrel to my head.

Just cried my eyes out looking at the stars with my music blasting. The struggle is real and unrelenting. Damntt, I wish I did it. FML.

Thanks for sharing, thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen. Godspeed. ♥