Arvinneedstodie
Existing is not living
- Sep 17, 2018
- 200
I don't know how to describe this, but I think I need to really try at life again so I can drain the last stubborn bits of hope and hesitation that are holding me back from CTB. I haven't tried hard enough at salvaging my life because it has been very bad and hopeless from the very start, but because I didn't try hard enough my naïve sense of hope (or more like yearning for some miracle) has never been challenged and worn out, at least not to the point where I can let go without hesitation. I have managed to keep my hope in a fairly pristine and delicate condition whilst my life has deteriorated into the most hopeless and miserable existence imaginable. Like a pausing before a bad ending to a bad movie, I have been hiding and refusing to face reality. For years I have lived in denial, never wandering too far from the safety of my room, and never pushed myself beyond than the first big obstacle I face. I have comforted myself by believing that I'll CTB sooner or later, that my life will just deteriorate to a point where CTB will come easy, but that didn't work out for me. My life has deteriorated to the point where I can't stay still anymore, but I'm still not ready to CTB because my hope has not been completely killed yet. Maybe the truth is that I'm holding on and protecting my naïve hope because it's all I've got left. I know that if I really tried to salvage my life at this point I would get absolutely disappointed and destroyed, and that reality really terrifies me.
Once a year my hope would foster and grow into an attempt at salvaging my life, but I'd always come running back before hope gets completely destroyed by reality. I am in one of those moments right now, but I am so sick of my cowardice and want to break out of this vicious cycle. Last week I went to the busy shopping mall for the first time in a long time and I started people watching, all kinds of people just living their best lives and just being so comfortable in their own skins, and that exposure got me thinking. This one particular girl really caught my eyes and her impression has stuck with me since. She was so beautiful and vibrant, although I only caught a short fleeing glimpse of her while passing by, I felt her sense of confidence and her liberating energy radiate out of her effortlessly and made her stand out among her friends. Those good vibes I captured stuck with me and they felt so natural and genuine. Moments like these are like lighthouses in the pitch darkness for my lonely depression, giving me small tastes of something better, maybe tastes of what real hope would feels like. Moment like these remind me that my hopeless and sad reality isn't the only reality in this universe, there are many other realities in this world, many of which can be very hopeful and beautiful. I will never really experience those real hopeful realities, but I can at least stand up and refuse to be stuck here. In 4 years time I will become a sick 30 year old virgin lonely NEET and I'll be absolutely choking on regrets and bitterness. That is disgusting and I can't let that happen. Looks like I'm gonna have to drag myself into the brutal reality and I'll keep going until my false hope shatters into a million pieces, I won't stop short this time. No going back.
I just really want at least someone to know that there's a random hopeless 26 year old guy that is trying to swim against the strong current with every bone in his body broken, and it fking hurts. I don't know if I'm strong enough to escape this trap, but I can't stay. I started this process last week and I am already making some changes. I am on day 8 of Nofap reset (90 days no porn no masturbation) to quit my porn addiction. I am steadily starting to correct my fked up sleep schedule, I've been getting up at 9.30AM for the past few days where as I used to sleep until the afternoon. I am trying to take better care of my diet to better deal with my celiac, and I have been cooking 3 meals a day and had lots of water for the past week instead of skipping meal and buying risky takeout's that mess up my gut. I just started taking this probiotics that's really strong and it's been giving me some bad reactions so far, but I'm continuing. I've been forcing myself to go outside at least once per day, even if it's just for a walk around the block. I have been forcing myself to do some basic stretches and body weight exercises at home at least once every other day. I even learned about skincare routines and bought a bunch of skincare products to take better care of my skin and toggle my acne problem. I need to stay consistent on all these small life changes. I still need to work on my focus and deal with my deep procrastination and daydreaming problems. I need to find a new doctor to try again at figuring out my many complex and debilitating chronic health issues. I am going to try and start working again. I am going to enquire about going to college. I need to try and do something about my social isolation. This list goes on.
I know deep down that my life is hopeless and everything I'm doing is too little and too late, but I'm doing this. I have finally bought and received N this year, and that has given me the reassurance to try. This probably makes no sense to others, but I've been trapped in this place for so long that I need to lift myself up first, and then I need to really try at life again so I can get beaten and smacked by reality really badly. Then I can finally CTB and escape this hell of mine. Does anyone get it? Thanks for reading.
Once a year my hope would foster and grow into an attempt at salvaging my life, but I'd always come running back before hope gets completely destroyed by reality. I am in one of those moments right now, but I am so sick of my cowardice and want to break out of this vicious cycle. Last week I went to the busy shopping mall for the first time in a long time and I started people watching, all kinds of people just living their best lives and just being so comfortable in their own skins, and that exposure got me thinking. This one particular girl really caught my eyes and her impression has stuck with me since. She was so beautiful and vibrant, although I only caught a short fleeing glimpse of her while passing by, I felt her sense of confidence and her liberating energy radiate out of her effortlessly and made her stand out among her friends. Those good vibes I captured stuck with me and they felt so natural and genuine. Moments like these are like lighthouses in the pitch darkness for my lonely depression, giving me small tastes of something better, maybe tastes of what real hope would feels like. Moment like these remind me that my hopeless and sad reality isn't the only reality in this universe, there are many other realities in this world, many of which can be very hopeful and beautiful. I will never really experience those real hopeful realities, but I can at least stand up and refuse to be stuck here. In 4 years time I will become a sick 30 year old virgin lonely NEET and I'll be absolutely choking on regrets and bitterness. That is disgusting and I can't let that happen. Looks like I'm gonna have to drag myself into the brutal reality and I'll keep going until my false hope shatters into a million pieces, I won't stop short this time. No going back.
I just really want at least someone to know that there's a random hopeless 26 year old guy that is trying to swim against the strong current with every bone in his body broken, and it fking hurts. I don't know if I'm strong enough to escape this trap, but I can't stay. I started this process last week and I am already making some changes. I am on day 8 of Nofap reset (90 days no porn no masturbation) to quit my porn addiction. I am steadily starting to correct my fked up sleep schedule, I've been getting up at 9.30AM for the past few days where as I used to sleep until the afternoon. I am trying to take better care of my diet to better deal with my celiac, and I have been cooking 3 meals a day and had lots of water for the past week instead of skipping meal and buying risky takeout's that mess up my gut. I just started taking this probiotics that's really strong and it's been giving me some bad reactions so far, but I'm continuing. I've been forcing myself to go outside at least once per day, even if it's just for a walk around the block. I have been forcing myself to do some basic stretches and body weight exercises at home at least once every other day. I even learned about skincare routines and bought a bunch of skincare products to take better care of my skin and toggle my acne problem. I need to stay consistent on all these small life changes. I still need to work on my focus and deal with my deep procrastination and daydreaming problems. I need to find a new doctor to try again at figuring out my many complex and debilitating chronic health issues. I am going to try and start working again. I am going to enquire about going to college. I need to try and do something about my social isolation. This list goes on.
I know deep down that my life is hopeless and everything I'm doing is too little and too late, but I'm doing this. I have finally bought and received N this year, and that has given me the reassurance to try. This probably makes no sense to others, but I've been trapped in this place for so long that I need to lift myself up first, and then I need to really try at life again so I can get beaten and smacked by reality really badly. Then I can finally CTB and escape this hell of mine. Does anyone get it? Thanks for reading.
