Venting I am struggling with my final decision

[tchaik18401893]

I have the supplies to end my life. but i dont know if i want to do it. some days i feel like i want to do it just then, but other days i feel like i truely want to live. i dont see myself alive past 2023. but the method i have requires you to fast 48 hours and in those 48 hours im sure ill change my mind once more. i was planning on doing it in march but im not certain at all. I feel like im fighting myself in my mind. its very distressing. I feel like if i kept going i could actually do something great in life. i want to be a violinist but i feel like i have no hope anyway. all of my passion has diffused and i think the only thing stopping me is the pain ill cause everybody. but then i think, who even cares about me anyway? the one friend i have? the family that hates me?

 

[releasespieces]

Lots of company here. Im struggling with it and so do many others too. I beg for death every night, I'm all for it happening naturally.

 

[theboy]

I understand you
Remember that CTB is a planned decision. If you are in crisis, wet your face with cold water and take a deep breath.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like a difficult situation to be in, but after all only you know what is best. At least you have the option of a reliable method so you aren't trapped here in this world.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I'm sorry you're going through this much distress over the decision. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace.

 

[myownpetvirus]

Sounds like lots of reasons to stay alive. Nobody has to do this we support you either way

 

[peacetime]

I agree with the person above. It seems like you have reasons to not CTB. I am kind of similar to you in that my mood changes, and I'm waiting for my SN to arrive. If I had had it today I would have taken it. But tomorrow, I will probably spend a couple hours feeling like not using it again.

I am like 99% sure I will be taking the SN shortly after it arrives. Got my benzos too to help me. Life is just too much for me, and I'm done with it for so many reasons. And yet, I have a path that would allow me to "fix my life" on paper in the next 4 years. But my problems would remain. Anyway, I can see why one would have mixed feelings. I think in the end it's best to pursue all options first before doing something final.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

Me too, in limbo. It's the new year but do I really want to be alive another year..?

 

[forced2live]

It's over , i cant cope

 

[Givenuponlife]

I have the supplies to end my life. but i dont know if i want to do it. some days i feel like i want to do it just then, but other days i feel like i truely want to live. i dont see myself alive past 2023. but the method i have requires you to fast 48 hours and in those 48 hours im sure ill change my mind once more. i was planning on doing it in march but im not certain at all. I feel like im fighting myself in my mind. its very distressing. I feel like if i kept going i could actually do something great in life. i want to be a violinist but i feel like i have no hope anyway. all of my passion has diffused and i think the only thing stopping me is the pain ill cause everybody. but then i think, who even cares about me anyway? the one friend i have? the family that hates me?

I do not know your situation, but do you think you can't be a violinist? Tbh, I fucked up my only real ambition (to be a productive academic), so I sympathise with your seemingly frustrated one.
If you are hesitating, take a pause and consider postponing. If there is anything that makes your dream possible, then I'd say hold onto it for dear life, never let go and definitely postpone.

 

[Jarni]

Art always was smth that helped me to live and go through all the deceptions and depressions in my life... For me art itself is a reason to live, art is infinite, so much things to explore... And there are lots of people who are passionate about classical music... Maybe you could connect to them via fb etc?

 

[The Final Solution]

We're on the same boat, Tchaikovsky. Being a musician feels like a curse, sometimes.