This is probably pathological. I had an argument with my family yesterday. Someone in my support network told I should spend more time outside. I think this might be uselss but I wanted to be open-minded. Then I spent some time outside of my apartment and my family called me insane for it because of the temperatures. I had to chuckle minutes before they told me that I once again hoped something could kill me soon. I don't want to do it by my own. I wish the temperatures actually could kill me. I had to thought about the person in this forum that wants to go to a desert in order to die. The temperatures here are a joke compared to that.
However I barely noticed the heat. I was extremely anxious about college and my mental deterioration process. This scares me way more than any heat could. I often worry so much that it becomes difficult to focus on the environment. I was at this party some weeks ago. It was stressful because I am socially awkward and I tried as hard as possible not to make severe mistakes. I might not be 100% sane. I have some deep pathologies it is probably one reason why I can post so many threads. When I interacted with these people I could make them laugh with jokes I am good with that. I am articulate. But there were some behaviors which I were not aware about which must have been weird for them. During my first conversation with them the sun dazzled/glared in my face. And I just did not notice it. I worried so much about not making mistakes in the conversations that I forgot that. I think my body language also was towards one girl pretty weird. As if I hated her. Social interactions stress me way too much and I tend to overthinking because trusting my guts is not very promising.
By the way it was hard for me not to talk to myself being on that party. I am not sure why though. I just tried to calm me down but worried at the same that they notice my weirdness.
I sometimes don't notice basic sensory impressions which is pretty weird I know. I am so often extremely anxious. I analyze all the things that happened to me this semester and how traumatizing all of that was. And I know similar things will probably happen in the future. My basic human needs seem irrelevant to that sometimes. I am often also pretty lonely because I don't interact with my family. They did so much horrible things to me. I rather turn to online interactions with this forum or my friends. Everything is better than to spend time with them.
My anxiety is often that extreme that I just lose the focus to other things. I start to panic easily and I feel hypervigilante. One fear comes after the next. It is holidays I should feel somewhat okay. Still I hate my life so much. Maybe it is because I stopped the benzos. But how long will these awful withdrawal symptoms last? Fuck my life.
Moreover it is a joke my family worries about my physical health when I am tormented by my mind every single day almost every single second when I am conscious. My dad also worries I might die of anything. He worried about that because of the coronoa virus. I explained him more than once my suicide plans and he just forgets them after a while. My family is such a fucking joke.
However I barely noticed the heat. I was extremely anxious about college and my mental deterioration process. This scares me way more than any heat could. I often worry so much that it becomes difficult to focus on the environment. I was at this party some weeks ago. It was stressful because I am socially awkward and I tried as hard as possible not to make severe mistakes. I might not be 100% sane. I have some deep pathologies it is probably one reason why I can post so many threads. When I interacted with these people I could make them laugh with jokes I am good with that. I am articulate. But there were some behaviors which I were not aware about which must have been weird for them. During my first conversation with them the sun dazzled/glared in my face. And I just did not notice it. I worried so much about not making mistakes in the conversations that I forgot that. I think my body language also was towards one girl pretty weird. As if I hated her. Social interactions stress me way too much and I tend to overthinking because trusting my guts is not very promising.
By the way it was hard for me not to talk to myself being on that party. I am not sure why though. I just tried to calm me down but worried at the same that they notice my weirdness.
I sometimes don't notice basic sensory impressions which is pretty weird I know. I am so often extremely anxious. I analyze all the things that happened to me this semester and how traumatizing all of that was. And I know similar things will probably happen in the future. My basic human needs seem irrelevant to that sometimes. I am often also pretty lonely because I don't interact with my family. They did so much horrible things to me. I rather turn to online interactions with this forum or my friends. Everything is better than to spend time with them.
My anxiety is often that extreme that I just lose the focus to other things. I start to panic easily and I feel hypervigilante. One fear comes after the next. It is holidays I should feel somewhat okay. Still I hate my life so much. Maybe it is because I stopped the benzos. But how long will these awful withdrawal symptoms last? Fuck my life.
Moreover it is a joke my family worries about my physical health when I am tormented by my mind every single day almost every single second when I am conscious. My dad also worries I might die of anything. He worried about that because of the coronoa virus. I explained him more than once my suicide plans and he just forgets them after a while. My family is such a fucking joke.
Last edited:
