I am so scared

[tryingtoescape]

I'm so scared. I have had tinnitus for years and recently I've been diagnosed with an injury to the ankles that has lasted 5 months. I'm so terrified of the injury becoming permanent. The doctors described it as chronic. The pain bothers me but most of all the lack of mobility. I used to love to go on long walks. I can't even do simple things like household chores anymore. My parents have to do everything. I feel so bad for them. They have had to deal with this every day. I just want it to go away. I genuinely did not believe it was permanent when it first started. I was optimistic. I even recall saying "Yeah it's still painful but I'm sure it'll get better in a few weeks." But my life has gotten even worse. My worst fears have come true time and time again.

I'm stuck in a panic attack 24/7 because of my PTSD and health issues. I'm also terrified of going to sleep right now, because of the disturbing terrifying nightmares I have. The second I wake up I feel like I'm in hell. I'm also extremely agitated and angry at the most minor things, like certain sounds on TV or the noise in an ad playing.

I'm so so scared. I can't stop worrying about the injury. I alternate between interacting with my surroundings and people in extreme fear, and sheer panic. Terror. I start flailing my arms and thrashing. I'm also miserable to talk to because this is all I can focus on.

I'm most scared of not being able to die. I want to escape all of this. It scares me that life can always get worse. I don't even want to think about it. I'm so nauseous. I can't find relief in psychiatric drugs or therapy or sleep. The only way out is to die.

I'm doing some practice runs. Preparing. Tying up loose ends. I need to get closer to getting out of here. I managed to get a Zofran script out of my doctors. I have Meto. The only time I feel the slightest peace is when I imagine dying and prepare. And even that's interrupted by fears of survival. There's no relief, not even for an hour. It makes me so disturbed that this is all even allowed and even worse is possible. I am so so sad and scared.

 

[dyingalone123]

I feel your pain. I have health anxiety too - I'm on anti-depressants. Have you tried talking to a counselor or a pain management person? Do you have emergency benzos for these attacks? Have something to ease you at least. :(

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I relate to so much about your post. I'm so sorry you're in this hell, and I know it's hell because I've been living similarly for a long time. I really empathize about the 24/7 panic attack thing due to PTSD and your health issues - that's my situation too.

I agree with dyingalone123 about the suggestion to look into a pain management person. I found out last summer my GI doctor had a specific GI therapist to try to help people deal with chronic GI issues and pain. She was a kind person and tried her best, but my issues keep multiplying and in the end there I didn't gain much from my sessions with her but it was worth a try. You never know. Also emergency benzos can be a lifesaver, especially to maybe help you get some rest. Just be careful with them...

My heart goes out to you. Just know that people understand, so hopefully you don't feel quite so alone. I wish I could offer something more helpful to you.

 

[supermario]

I feel your pain. I'm in a state of panic attack literally every second as well. If I just dwell on my issues for a few minutes, I feel I'm going to lose my mind and split into multiple personalities. That's when I know the time has come.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I relate to so much about your post. I'm so sorry you're in this hell, and I know it's hell because I've been living similarly for a long time. I really empathize about the 24/7 panic attack thing due to PTSD and your health issues - that's my situation too.

I agree with dyingalone123 about the suggestion to look into a pain management person. I found out last summer my GI doctor had a specific GI therapist to try to help people deal with chronic GI issues and pain. She was a kind person and tried her best, but my issues keep multiplying and in the end there I didn't gain much from my sessions with her but it was worth a try. You never know. Also emergency benzos can be a lifesaver, especially to maybe help you get some rest. Just be careful with them...

My heart goes out to you. Just know that people understand, so hopefully you don't feel quite so alone. I wish I could offer something more helpful to you.

Thank you. It is hell. I have been in therapy since I was little and pain management doctors since the pain issues. It's a terrifying feeling when even professionals can't help. It makes me feel helpless.

I do have benzodiazepines thankfully. My body is tolerant to them because I use them several times a week. But they're a safety blanket for me.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone

I feel your pain. I'm in a state of panic attack literally every second as well. If I just dwell on my issues for a few minutes, I feel I'm going to lose my mind and split into multiple personalities. That's when I know the time has come.

It feels like I'm losing my mind too

 

[PrisonBreak]

I'm losing my mind. Nothing seems real to me. I'm so detached from my from my surroundings to a point where I feel like life has no meaning. Nothing makes sense to me. Suffering is my only reality. Even if my suffering ends, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pick up the pieces of my life and start over, as I have been suffering for so long.

I hate my suffering but I don't want to get better or be cured and live my life pretending that everything is fine in this world. I don't want to pretend that no one else is suffering from their problems. I'd rather die than live life to the full while someone else is being tormented by their own suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so horrible, I'm sorry you have to go through this, no one should have to suffer like that. It can be awful being trapped in this human body with an unlimited amount of health problems.I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.