before20
I can't turn this thing off, it keeps following me
- Jan 28, 2025
- 107
Genuinely, how am I meant to live like this? The default state for my brain is 24/7 "please kill yourself now". That's not fucking normal. It's definitely not feasible for long term survival. Sure, I could take meds for the rest of my goddamn life but it doesn't change the fact it'd be one slog after the other. You could hand-feed me my every dream on a silver platter right now and it would never change the fact that I'm hardwired to self destruct.
This is such typical MDD bullshit but nothing interests me. Nothing. The idea of looking ahead to a long life of doing shit I hate to maybe one day potentially do something I tolerate, while spending a third of my life at best doing things I actually love, sounds like a miserable goddamn existence. But even the things I love are just pittances, they're not sustainable sources of energy. I can't even muster up the motivation to play video games. Or to play my guitar. I'd spend my life bed rotting and I might as well just go die at that point.
And I've seen the other side of this; I lived 1-2 years of "being normal" while I was on meds. They worked! My moods were stable and as aforementioned, I didn't want to KMS 24/7. But even then there was (and still is) something fundamentally broken inside me, every victory I had was hard fought, and I had maybe one friend who actually liked me—and even then, they never truly knew me. I had no direction in life, nothing I did actually fulfilled me, and looking back on it, I was just ticking off one meaningless obligation after the other. Sometimes I think life goals or the company of others is worse than any drug. You spend your whole life chasing it, trying to wring a semblance of the happiness naivety gave you. But money won't make you happy. Other people won't make you happy. And when you can't even make yourself happy, the answer's a no-brainer, isn't it.
This is such typical MDD bullshit but nothing interests me. Nothing. The idea of looking ahead to a long life of doing shit I hate to maybe one day potentially do something I tolerate, while spending a third of my life at best doing things I actually love, sounds like a miserable goddamn existence. But even the things I love are just pittances, they're not sustainable sources of energy. I can't even muster up the motivation to play video games. Or to play my guitar. I'd spend my life bed rotting and I might as well just go die at that point.
And I've seen the other side of this; I lived 1-2 years of "being normal" while I was on meds. They worked! My moods were stable and as aforementioned, I didn't want to KMS 24/7. But even then there was (and still is) something fundamentally broken inside me, every victory I had was hard fought, and I had maybe one friend who actually liked me—and even then, they never truly knew me. I had no direction in life, nothing I did actually fulfilled me, and looking back on it, I was just ticking off one meaningless obligation after the other. Sometimes I think life goals or the company of others is worse than any drug. You spend your whole life chasing it, trying to wring a semblance of the happiness naivety gave you. But money won't make you happy. Other people won't make you happy. And when you can't even make yourself happy, the answer's a no-brainer, isn't it.
