Empty Smile
The final Bell has rung. Goodbye to all.
- Jul 13, 2018
- 1,785
All because a fucking dream last night, and 2 things happening in real life while sleeping, and it brought back a part of my past that has haunted me for the last 4 years. Then on top of all this, I find something I haven't seen for almost 4 years.
I have said on here that I have suffered from depression and anxiety for 30+ years, but something happened in 2014, that totally killed me, and I honestly have no idea why I am even still alive.
I don't know whether to share this or not. I haven't talked about it for about it for several years, but I do occasionally have thoughts about it. I have been a fucking wreck since about 530 this morning, and the shit just replays over and over in my mind.
As I said, been going through depression and anxiety for 30 years, blah blah blah...
Trigger Warning: long read......
In 2000, I met this girl, and not long after, we started dating. I told her of my issues of depression and suicidal tendencies, but she never left my side.
I was happy, but still went through my downs, and after several months, she picked up on practically everything about me. It seemed like she could tell I was sliding downhill, and I didn't have to make any noise, or facial expression, and she knew. I can't explain it, but 99 times out of 100, she could somehow sense that my mind was wandering, even if I didn't realize it.
For nearly 14 years, she stood beside me, put up with my mood swings, my attempted suicides(which 3 times, she did have me admitted to nut house), my depressions, and so on. You name it, she was always there. She became the only person in the world I could trust and rely on. And in 2014, I lost her......
Fast forward to this morning.....
I had started dreaming, and she was in it. I don't know what the dream was about, but right before I woke up, I relived my hell, and have been reliving my hell all day today.
You guys know how when you're sleeping and your phone rings.... You don't hear it, but subconsciously you do, and in your dream, your phone is ringing?
That's when my hell began... My phone was ringing, but I was only hearing it in my dream.
I remember answering it, and a few seconds later, I heard a crash(again, it happened in real life, but you think its part of your dream).
The phone call I received: she had been involved in a multi-vehicle crash, and was in the ER.
The crash I heard, was my glass of whiskey hitting the floor and shattering.
The above phone call and glass shattering was in real life. The phone call in my dream, was actually my cell phone ringing. The crash I heard in my dream...... Was the result of her picture falling off the wall, and the glass breaking.
Needless to say, I raced down to the ER, and I didn't make it in time to see her. She was gone before I got there. She suffered head trauma, crushed rib cage, and internal injuries/bleeding. I was told that even if they were able to start surgery, her survival rate was slim.
I fell apart that day. Everything I had was gone. 4 weeks in a nut house after that.
So today, I was looking through some of her stuff, and I found her old mp3 player. I never listened to the music she had on there, so I charged it up and hit play.
A couple songs played, and then the one that destroyed me today, started playing.
"Love is on the way" from Siagon Kick.
Fuck...............................
She played that song for me thousands of fucking times over the years, when I would hit bottom. Whatever she was doing stopped, and she would turn this song on, sit on my lap, and wrap her arms around me, and either hum, or sing along with it. And it always seemed to lift me out of the slump I was in.
After her death, I never listened to it again, until today. I played it over and over, and I realized something about that song, I never noticed when she played it for me.
It sounds odd, but I'm wondering if she somehow new her end was coming, but didn't now when. I could be wrong, but who knows.....
So I wonder if the following lyrics was trying to tell me something back then....
"And in the morning I'll be gone away
All the things I left behind
If you need me I'll come night or day
Lets stop the hands of time"
She used to tell me that its a love song, but she uses it to let me know she's always there.
I don't know....... But I can't fucking do this anymore..... Today has killed me more than any other......
Sorry guys, guess I needed to vent.....
I have said on here that I have suffered from depression and anxiety for 30+ years, but something happened in 2014, that totally killed me, and I honestly have no idea why I am even still alive.
I don't know whether to share this or not. I haven't talked about it for about it for several years, but I do occasionally have thoughts about it. I have been a fucking wreck since about 530 this morning, and the shit just replays over and over in my mind.
As I said, been going through depression and anxiety for 30 years, blah blah blah...
Trigger Warning: long read......
In 2000, I met this girl, and not long after, we started dating. I told her of my issues of depression and suicidal tendencies, but she never left my side.
I was happy, but still went through my downs, and after several months, she picked up on practically everything about me. It seemed like she could tell I was sliding downhill, and I didn't have to make any noise, or facial expression, and she knew. I can't explain it, but 99 times out of 100, she could somehow sense that my mind was wandering, even if I didn't realize it.
For nearly 14 years, she stood beside me, put up with my mood swings, my attempted suicides(which 3 times, she did have me admitted to nut house), my depressions, and so on. You name it, she was always there. She became the only person in the world I could trust and rely on. And in 2014, I lost her......
Fast forward to this morning.....
I had started dreaming, and she was in it. I don't know what the dream was about, but right before I woke up, I relived my hell, and have been reliving my hell all day today.
You guys know how when you're sleeping and your phone rings.... You don't hear it, but subconsciously you do, and in your dream, your phone is ringing?
That's when my hell began... My phone was ringing, but I was only hearing it in my dream.
I remember answering it, and a few seconds later, I heard a crash(again, it happened in real life, but you think its part of your dream).
The phone call I received: she had been involved in a multi-vehicle crash, and was in the ER.
The crash I heard, was my glass of whiskey hitting the floor and shattering.
The above phone call and glass shattering was in real life. The phone call in my dream, was actually my cell phone ringing. The crash I heard in my dream...... Was the result of her picture falling off the wall, and the glass breaking.
Needless to say, I raced down to the ER, and I didn't make it in time to see her. She was gone before I got there. She suffered head trauma, crushed rib cage, and internal injuries/bleeding. I was told that even if they were able to start surgery, her survival rate was slim.
I fell apart that day. Everything I had was gone. 4 weeks in a nut house after that.
So today, I was looking through some of her stuff, and I found her old mp3 player. I never listened to the music she had on there, so I charged it up and hit play.
A couple songs played, and then the one that destroyed me today, started playing.
"Love is on the way" from Siagon Kick.
Fuck...............................
She played that song for me thousands of fucking times over the years, when I would hit bottom. Whatever she was doing stopped, and she would turn this song on, sit on my lap, and wrap her arms around me, and either hum, or sing along with it. And it always seemed to lift me out of the slump I was in.
After her death, I never listened to it again, until today. I played it over and over, and I realized something about that song, I never noticed when she played it for me.
It sounds odd, but I'm wondering if she somehow new her end was coming, but didn't now when. I could be wrong, but who knows.....
So I wonder if the following lyrics was trying to tell me something back then....
"And in the morning I'll be gone away
All the things I left behind
If you need me I'll come night or day
Lets stop the hands of time"
She used to tell me that its a love song, but she uses it to let me know she's always there.
I don't know....... But I can't fucking do this anymore..... Today has killed me more than any other......
Sorry guys, guess I needed to vent.....
