Venting I am so desperate for the courage and strength to end it.

[BitterlyAlive]

I feel so much guilt and shame. I ruin people's days, I affect their quality of life, simply because I exist. I admitted to a friend recently that I feel like a lot of bad things happen because of me. I'm aware this is the depression, but as an example I honestly feel like it's my fault COVID became such a shitshow. I feel like it's my fault that people's lives have been upturned, that people have had such a bad year and are struggling. It's my fault my former professors have had a rough year, it's my fault that my mom is stuck at home all the time, it's my fault that my friends are struggling with money and college. My brain has me convinced that it's because I mislead so many people about my career plans and had to back out right before the real action began. It's because I didn't kill myself that night. It's because I'm a bad daughter, employee, sister, and friend. I'm disgusted with myself.

I was completely honest when I told my therapist I was only seeing her because I'm expected to. I know I'm a burden on her. She doesn't want to start EMDR because she doesn't want to hurt me while I'm "vulnerable" but i deserve the pain. I deserve to get worse. Maybe it would give me the push I need to kill myself, take my toxic ass away from everyone. The only future I've ever been able to imagine is my suicide. People ask what my plans are, what I want for myself. I literally just want to be dead. I have no hope that I'll get better and have an actual life. I don't deserve a "life". And to be honest I have no desire for one.

I'm a very lonely and miserable person. I'm a waste, I'm an embarrassment, I'm a burden. My death would be a relief and a favor to others. It would be a weight off of people's shoulders. I pray for the courage to attempt suicide again, except next time I won't fail.

 

[Ghost2211]

I like you I'm sorry times are so hard.

 

[KleinerWolf]

I know what it's like and it can be frustrating,
but please don't be too harsh on yourself.
Things may have not turned out as we expected,
but in all seriousness, It's not as bad as you think,
our brain likes to make the problems look bigger so that we notice them.

You deserve all the good things in life.
People like to tell me, take it easy, improve your situation from where you are,
small steps add up overtime.

People heading a certain direction in life,
maybe they have a general idea, maybe not,
have a conversation with yourself,

what would it look like for things to be going well?
how would I feel? Am I happy or perhaps content with myself?
if we are looking at short term, you may ask yourself, is there something small I can do to help make myself feel better?
even just a tiny bit you know,
life doesn't have to be so serious all the time,
everyone has some down time,
to catch a breather, rejuvenate.

it's good that stress helps push us forward at times,
Too much stress, tends to make us feel less grounded.

In the grand scheme of things, you still got it.
There's nothing you can't achieve provided it's within your hearts' desire.
I believe you have what it takes to prevail.
I have faith in you.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I like you ❤ I'm sorry times are so hard.

I'm really sorry things have been so hard for you, mate. :/

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm really sorry things have been so hard for you, mate. :/

We're all here because life can be a massive bitch. At least we all have each other.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You know what I think? I think you're taking the self blame way too far! It can't possibly be your fault for most of those things! How could it be your fault that covid 19 has occurred? The answer is: It ain't son! I think you know that you're not at fault,deep down. Look at your post amount and upvotes...that shows how useful you are to this community! You're not a waste. F anyone that says you are(I guess I'm saying that to you ;) )

I know what you mean about not not having a desire for a 'life' though, as I don't have a desire for one either. Hell no(hell with accent), you DO deserve a life. I think you added the 'es' to do by accident. I'll chalk it up to a rookie mistake in your typing :)

Why do you feel that you mislead people about your career? Is it because you decided not to apply for a job, or finish college?

The crazy and irrational guilt has been an issue all year. It doesn't matter if I know it's ridiculous, the feelings are still there. I still feel like these things happened because of something I did. The career thing is complicated. I intended to do this big thing for a post-graduate job, and a lot of people were rooting for me. In all honesty I was planning on killing myself once I got far enough away from everyone. I got worked up over all of the nuances and had to back out, but I feel like I really mislead everyone anyway. Wasted people's time, effort, thoughts. Feel sick and twisted because of the whole thing.

Oh and Covid 19 is also YOUR fault? Do me a favour, don't flatter yourself.

I'm glad my stress is so entertaining.

I know what it's like and it can be frustrating,
but please don't be too harsh on yourself.
Things may have not turned out as we expected,
but in all seriousness, It's not as bad as you think,
our brain likes to make the problems look bigger so that we notice them.

You deserve all the good things in life.
People like to tell me, take it easy, improve your situation from where you are,
small steps add up overtime.

People heading a certain direction in life,
maybe they have a general idea, maybe not,
have a conversation with yourself,

what would it look like for things to be going well?
how would I feel? Am I happy or perhaps content with myself?
if we are looking at short term, you may ask yourself, is there something small I can do to help make myself feel better?
even just a tiny bit you know,
life doesn't have to be so serious all the time,
everyone has some down time,
to catch a breather, rejuvenate.

it's good that stress helps push us forward at times,
Too much stress, tends to make us feel less grounded.

In the grand scheme of things, you still got it.
There's nothing you can't achieve provided it's within your hearts' desire.
I believe you have what it takes to prevail.
I have faith in you.

Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

I suggest you stop feeling sorry for yourself for no reason.

Thanks. I really appreciate people being blunt and speaking their mind, but I've already told myself this many times. It doesn't help.

 

[Giraffey]

Oh and Covid 19 is also YOUR fault? Do me a favour, don't flatter yourself.

I despair of remarks like this. If you want to be sardonic I suggest you hop over to Reddit, SS is a place where we support one another and speak as equals. Depression can strike just about any of us and wears many guises, catastrophising can also be a form of self-harm. Blaming oneself for the ills of the world may be irrational but is it really worthy of such scathing mockery?

If you really can't resist the urge to insult someone feeling vulnerable then please, keep it as a draft instead of posting and ruining someone's day.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Oh and Covid 19 is also YOUR fault? Do me a favour, don't flatter yourself.

If you're fragile and need to be handled with care, perhaps offer the same to the OP?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

If you're fragile and need to be handled with care, perhaps offer the same to the OP?

Thank you GPE, but I didn't make the post for sympathy. The comments and angry reaction hurt like hell, yet I feel like I kinda set myself up for it with this post.

I'm also confused at the hypocrisy from this user and noticed that no one else seems to get such a response. Even the user literally asking for such responses got more support, but...eh. :/ it is what it is I guess.

 

[SadGuyWannaDie]

Thank you GPE, but I didn't make the post for sympathy. The comments and angry reaction hurt like hell, yet I feel like I kinda set myself up for it with this post.

No you really didn't set yourself up for anything you said "I'm aware this is the depression" before you said how you honestly felt about covid or any of the rest. You didn't deserve that reaction.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you GPE, but I didn't make the post for sympathy. The comments and angry reaction hurt like hell, yet I feel like I kinda set myself up for it with this post.

You didn't invite bad behavior.

And as much as I like you, and I think/hope by now you know I do, I would have said that to him/her/them even if they'd said it to a member I utterly detested.

Even the user literally asking for such responses got more support

I know! There's another member who has a thread going right now that basically says, "Treat me like shit." I can think of plenty of past trolls who have been banned who would have loved that invitation and taken the OP up on it.


Anyhow, I appreciated this post. Now I better understand other posts you've made. It's clear you understand that this isn't rational, and that it's not a choice. You're suffering because of this. I send you hugs and compassion.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Now I better understand other posts you've made

I guess it does add a lot of context...

 

[foxdie]

@BitterlyAlive I totally understand irrationally blaming yourself for covid related things out of your control. I've done the same, it's tough. Just keep your chin up and remind yourself when your feeling more rational that there are so many things out of our control and it's not your fault. Sending hugs