I just want to die, I don't care if THEY can't understand that - I do, that's all that matters!
I am tired of this existence and want out immediately, preferably as peaceful as a dream. The fucked up thing is that I am only in my thirties and I am physically fit so I'll probably live to 100+, so suicide IS literally my only option because euthanasia is only for those who are deemed to be a few weeks before death.
I have tried to drown myself but SI, i.e. knowledge of recognising drowning, kicked in when water rushed down my throat and up my nose; painfully discomforting and I kept (frustratingly) instantly going for air. I have learners drowning is not for me.
I have tried to die by hyperthermia, exhaustion, and starvation but walked non-stop (except for sleep) through the bush for 3 days and reached a point of exhaustion, and despair that it was taking soooo long, that had me wanting to go back to the world and just exist. I now know after researching VSED, anorexia nervosa and lost marathon runners, that it would have probably taken a few weeks. So that sucks, it's now my last option.
I have tried poisoning myself with 60ml total of amyl and isobutyl Nitrate but ended up throwing up copiously over hours until black blood came out and literally had a burning stomach for a day and half; could barely breathe in air or swallow saliva without wanting to throw up. I STAYED CONCSIOUS THE WHOLE TIME, couldn't sleep, and had to stay sitting/standing up through the whole process. If it lasted 2 days I was going to go to hospital and tell them everything but fortunately it didn't (there's nothing worse than having to tell others who don't understand about your failures - yes they are failures).
It is shit how you can be 100% certain of a method and then when you do it and it fails you then realise that it was not really how you want to die. As a result your options become less and less, forcing you to stay stuck in this fucked up place.
I have tried partial hanging (I have no where close enough to do a full hang and the bush is kms away from me) over 100 times and managed to be unconscious for what I believe was a few seconds only ever once. I only realised I was unconscious because I could hear this banging sound that slowly got louder and louder, like when someones yelling at you to wake you up out of a dream, and then realised it was my foot banging against the door and my arms flailing around but once I became conscious my arms instantly went to untie the knot around my neck. Now whenever I try partial hanging I just get to a point where my body spasms as I loosen the knot but I stay conscious (it's a weird feeling).
I haven't given up on partial yet but I am slowly coming around to a full hang - I just find the feeling of choking on my tongue discomforting. I know this because in a sitting position I've used a stool to just hold my feet while the knot tightens around my neck.
I am sick of being stuck in this world but having discovered this site, and reading so many others who are of the same mind i.e., BELIEVE THAT TALKING ABOUT THE SUFFERING/METHODS AROUND LIFE AND DEATH IS OKAY, has given me some temporary peace because I am not alone and can now talk with MY PEOPLE who understand me!
Sorry for the long post.
I am tired of this existence and want out immediately, preferably as peaceful as a dream. The fucked up thing is that I am only in my thirties and I am physically fit so I'll probably live to 100+, so suicide IS literally my only option because euthanasia is only for those who are deemed to be a few weeks before death.
I have tried to drown myself but SI, i.e. knowledge of recognising drowning, kicked in when water rushed down my throat and up my nose; painfully discomforting and I kept (frustratingly) instantly going for air. I have learners drowning is not for me.
I have tried to die by hyperthermia, exhaustion, and starvation but walked non-stop (except for sleep) through the bush for 3 days and reached a point of exhaustion, and despair that it was taking soooo long, that had me wanting to go back to the world and just exist. I now know after researching VSED, anorexia nervosa and lost marathon runners, that it would have probably taken a few weeks. So that sucks, it's now my last option.
I have tried poisoning myself with 60ml total of amyl and isobutyl Nitrate but ended up throwing up copiously over hours until black blood came out and literally had a burning stomach for a day and half; could barely breathe in air or swallow saliva without wanting to throw up. I STAYED CONCSIOUS THE WHOLE TIME, couldn't sleep, and had to stay sitting/standing up through the whole process. If it lasted 2 days I was going to go to hospital and tell them everything but fortunately it didn't (there's nothing worse than having to tell others who don't understand about your failures - yes they are failures).
It is shit how you can be 100% certain of a method and then when you do it and it fails you then realise that it was not really how you want to die. As a result your options become less and less, forcing you to stay stuck in this fucked up place.
I have tried partial hanging (I have no where close enough to do a full hang and the bush is kms away from me) over 100 times and managed to be unconscious for what I believe was a few seconds only ever once. I only realised I was unconscious because I could hear this banging sound that slowly got louder and louder, like when someones yelling at you to wake you up out of a dream, and then realised it was my foot banging against the door and my arms flailing around but once I became conscious my arms instantly went to untie the knot around my neck. Now whenever I try partial hanging I just get to a point where my body spasms as I loosen the knot but I stay conscious (it's a weird feeling).
I haven't given up on partial yet but I am slowly coming around to a full hang - I just find the feeling of choking on my tongue discomforting. I know this because in a sitting position I've used a stool to just hold my feet while the knot tightens around my neck.
I am sick of being stuck in this world but having discovered this site, and reading so many others who are of the same mind i.e., BELIEVE THAT TALKING ABOUT THE SUFFERING/METHODS AROUND LIFE AND DEATH IS OKAY, has given me some temporary peace because I am not alone and can now talk with MY PEOPLE who understand me!
Sorry for the long post.
