Discussion I am numb and I hate it

[deomlez]

I am numb and i hate it. I wonder if i am bipolar, borderline or whatever but i was used to have peaks, up and down but since i have decided on my own to stop ups then downs, and succeed, trying to change to stg more flat (my bf said it was different but cool), i feel i have lost myself.
To be numb is NOT comfortable. It a sea of shit, you feel bad but as dead.
I would like to find my peaks again, even only the downs.
I would like to live them again and then to die as entirely myself.

 

[suicidalloser]

i wish i was numb, because feeling this agonizing pain everyday and infliction i would not wish on anybody

 

[deomlez]

Being numb after feeling mental agony during months (the worst down i have lived) is awful for me. To be dead-living is worst than all.

 

[juraviel]

i wish i was numb, because feeling this agonizing pain everyday and infliction i would not wish on anybody

i am numb and would prefer to have 'agonizing pain'. because in order to feel pain you have to have capacity to feel pleasure, and i can't feel either. trust me losing your identity, losing the capacity to love, the ability to plan your life etc is not a better alternative.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you have to go through. Existence is just too cruel.

 

[Hollowman]

Being completely numb is the worst, I'm dead instead. I need to finish the job.

 

[deomlez]

Are there bipolar or something like that ? Do you feel the same ?

 

[Hollowman]

Are there bipolar or something like that ? Do you feel the same ?

I've been diagnosed with bipolar but I don't believe psychiatrists know what they're doing. It's something like that though.

 

[suicidalloser]

i am numb and would prefer to have 'agonizing pain'. because in order to feel pain you have to have capacity to feel pleasure, and i can't feel either. trust me losing your identity, losing the capacity to love, the ability to plan your life etc is not a better alternative.

You find pleasure through pain and abuse? I don't I'd rather that be lost, pain and feeling pain as so is not my identity.

 

[todiefor]

Agonising pain lead me to look for ctb methods, now I kind of just feel dumb because my abuser is gone, I only occasionally feel agonising pain, mostly I just feel nothing, I can't cry either there's no more tears, just nothing and waiting, mentally exhausted but physically feeling fine. I hate how my body isn't really cooperating with my mental state

 

[Elliana Berriana]

i wish i was numb, because feeling this agonizing pain everyday and infliction i would not wish on anybody

Be careful what you wish for– wanting to be numb often leads to becoming numb, and I know from experience that it's worse than suffering. I wouldn't wish my suffering on anyone either, but if I had to choose between suffering terrible forever, with no escape, or being numb and empty forever, with no escape, I'd choose the former in a heartbeat.

It's awful that so many people have to go through this. I hate feeling numb and empty, I often do. It's such a relief when it goes, but it always creeps back soon after the pain comes back, which is always soon after the short lived happiness. Even the pain is better. It feels like it can end most of the time, except a few times. When I feel numb, it feels like there will be no end, and whatever desperation to feel something, anything, even the most terrible pain, well— it's not really desperation. It's so vague. Numbness is what first made me severely suicidal; before that, it was just a vague wish to disappear.
I wish no one had to feel this way. Death feels like the only way out. Whether there's another way out or not, I certainly can't find it. I hope everyone will be able to find peace.

 

[deomlez]

Human has emotions. If you are numb you aren't you anymore.
Personnally, peaks miss me. Because i am this over-people, i describe me as 100% intellectual, 100% emotionnal. But at this time, i am 10% emotionnal for many months, it is like crawling like a worm when you were flying like an eagle.
I want my peaks back and be entire to ctb.
I want my peaks back.

 

[suicidalloser]

Be careful what you wish for–

I wish for death on myself.
Every single day. Please let it happen.

 

[MrDarkness]

Same bro, I'm so numb not even self harm works, my heart is broken, I can't ever be happy, I've accepted my place as a numb husk. I wish I could feel, but that's just a distant memory

 

[lokabe82]

My experience with living in numbness is a bit different. I used to hate it too. Day after day everything was just grey. I drank heavily just so I could feel something. But now I'm depressed again. I hate having these emotions of deep deep hurt and suffering and I would almost do anything at all to get that numbness and lack of feeling back.