Someone told me in my support employment to leave my house more often. Today I did that and the social interaction in the real world triggered me so much. I was at two shops and I felt pretty anxious and sort of paranoid. It was pretty bad and I don't know why. I was scared to be socially awkward which becomes pretty bad if you start to analyze how people perceive you while you communicate with them. This can be pretty crippling and paralyzing.
I think one shop owner noticed I struggle with social interactions which made me ashamed about myself. I did one mistake which I ruminated a lot about. It was not that bad though. When I worked at a company my boss told me prior to firing me we notice you are just not happy here and with the things you are doing. Well I also don't feel comfortable anywhere else because I cannot leave my own skin no matter in which place I am. However some places can trigger me more than others.
Though at least today I could not hide that I am a mental wreck with a broken vegetative nervous system that well. When I read about it I find hypervigilance fitting. I am so overly anxious and I start to panic pretty easily. It is pretty horrible having to function as a completely broken person. College triggers the shit out of me. And this semester I ruined my GPA for which I despise myself for.
In the society you have to function. When people ask you you must always I am totally fine. People have no clue about suicidality. Mental illness is stigmatized. Welfare is a joke. For me life is hell. I try to keep my act together to postpone a breakdown but the house of cards is pretty shaky. I am dependent on the help of others. And when my parents die there are barely any good reasons for me to continue living. I would prefer a good life though it is not offered to me.
It is insane which shit I have been through. If admitted to my psychiatrist how desperate I am our antagonism would simply grow again. I need her support with the addictive medication and she only does that if I pretend everything was fine. I already told her I plan to commit suicide in some years. (no acute suicidality). She could not really help me. She sent me to clinics where they told me they cannot help with my issues (relating to the future) and that I felt too good for being in a clinic. I was very often in one in the past. I need to find a new psychiatrist soon my current one retires. I am scared the search for a new one could become difficult if I openly told I plan to kill myself when my parents die. I am also scared they could interfere in my plans. However my experience is their memories are not that good. I don't really see a point in doing that anyway. We tried so fucking much therapies and medicaation. She cannot really help me. I like my current psychiatrist and she would simply worry about me (a little bit). Though at the same time there would be tension and I don't want thats. This is at least what I perceived the last time I openly admitted my seriousness about suicide. If I can keep my shit together for some time she will never learn about my suicide presumably. I don't see a reason to tell her well I gonna kill myself eventually anyway. By the way she sort of forgot my confession of my erious suicidality anyway. My confession is a long time ago. Though if she read her notices more often she could easily connect the dots. I leave here and there some hints. I rather feel like she forgets almost everything I said the last meeting when I have a new appointment with her. And she is by far one of the best and most empathetic psychiatrist I ever had. I think this tells a lot...
It is all just so hopeless. I am a total mess. It is difficult to be strong on the outside while being broken inside. At least in this forum I can admit how deeply sad and unhappy I am. I don't have any future and running away will not be able forever.
I think one shop owner noticed I struggle with social interactions which made me ashamed about myself. I did one mistake which I ruminated a lot about. It was not that bad though. When I worked at a company my boss told me prior to firing me we notice you are just not happy here and with the things you are doing. Well I also don't feel comfortable anywhere else because I cannot leave my own skin no matter in which place I am. However some places can trigger me more than others.
Though at least today I could not hide that I am a mental wreck with a broken vegetative nervous system that well. When I read about it I find hypervigilance fitting. I am so overly anxious and I start to panic pretty easily. It is pretty horrible having to function as a completely broken person. College triggers the shit out of me. And this semester I ruined my GPA for which I despise myself for.
In the society you have to function. When people ask you you must always I am totally fine. People have no clue about suicidality. Mental illness is stigmatized. Welfare is a joke. For me life is hell. I try to keep my act together to postpone a breakdown but the house of cards is pretty shaky. I am dependent on the help of others. And when my parents die there are barely any good reasons for me to continue living. I would prefer a good life though it is not offered to me.
It is insane which shit I have been through. If admitted to my psychiatrist how desperate I am our antagonism would simply grow again. I need her support with the addictive medication and she only does that if I pretend everything was fine. I already told her I plan to commit suicide in some years. (no acute suicidality). She could not really help me. She sent me to clinics where they told me they cannot help with my issues (relating to the future) and that I felt too good for being in a clinic. I was very often in one in the past. I need to find a new psychiatrist soon my current one retires. I am scared the search for a new one could become difficult if I openly told I plan to kill myself when my parents die. I am also scared they could interfere in my plans. However my experience is their memories are not that good. I don't really see a point in doing that anyway. We tried so fucking much therapies and medicaation. She cannot really help me. I like my current psychiatrist and she would simply worry about me (a little bit). Though at the same time there would be tension and I don't want thats. This is at least what I perceived the last time I openly admitted my seriousness about suicide. If I can keep my shit together for some time she will never learn about my suicide presumably. I don't see a reason to tell her well I gonna kill myself eventually anyway. By the way she sort of forgot my confession of my erious suicidality anyway. My confession is a long time ago. Though if she read her notices more often she could easily connect the dots. I leave here and there some hints. I rather feel like she forgets almost everything I said the last meeting when I have a new appointment with her. And she is by far one of the best and most empathetic psychiatrist I ever had. I think this tells a lot...
It is all just so hopeless. I am a total mess. It is difficult to be strong on the outside while being broken inside. At least in this forum I can admit how deeply sad and unhappy I am. I don't have any future and running away will not be able forever.
