Venting I am not allowed to CTB

[quietwater]

I can't do this anymore. I want to end it all so much but I can't. Because I am surrounded by things that do not allow me ANYTHING.

I can't get better: I am not allowed to go to therapy, I am not allowed to see my friends, I don't have permission to do anything. I try to do it anyway, I DO it anyway, but the burden I carry is too big, the rules I violate are too much. I can't get better, people around me do not want me to get better.

I can't suffer: nobody cares if I do, nobody helps me, nobody is here. Everyone just JUDGES ME for what I do. For my problems, for my way to handle them. People do not want me to suffer, they want me to feel better but they DON'T LET ME.

I can't CTB, because if I do I'll leave everything. I am here, I am trying, and even if nothing works I am still here.
I'll leave the only person I love behind, and I know they're not trying to hold me back and that they would understand, but I just can't.
I'll leave TOO MUCH PROBLEMS to my mother, to others, and even if they hurt me I can't do this to them, to her. I've already did enough to ruin them.

It's not a problem of methods, I would try anything to end this right here if I could, and it's not even a problem of morality; I know it seems like this but it isn't, not completely. It's a LEGAL problem, like everything I do.

I am not allowed to CTB, and I am not even allowed to get better. What do others want me to do? I can't do anything. I just can't.

 

[Lucid.44]

I dont judge you or how you feel. I can see that we are kinda on the same spot. What you can do for now is to endure it try to do something simply fun and when time comes you can do it

 

[quietwater]

I dont judge you or how you feel. I can see that we are kinda on the same spot. What you can do for now is to endure it try to do something simply fun and when time comes you can do it

Thank you, I will try <3
I hope you'll feel better too ★