I am not a good person, and I have no desire to become one

[stayinadreamforever]

The title pretty much says it. I am not a good person. I don't care about anyone besides myself. I frequently trick myself into thinking that I care about others. There are times when I actually believe I deeply love other people. But it's just not true. I'm addicted to other people liking me, and I know people like you better if they believe you value their happiness. So I do things that make it seem that way. I even convince myself it's genuine. But at the end of the day, I would ditch them in a heartbeat if it meant sacrificing too much.

There's no one I love, but I crave everyone else's love. How sick. The worst part is, strong, healthy people see through my bullshit. Or at least they don't invest too much of themselves in me. It's other weak, fucked up people who get attached to me. People who need what I'm pretending to offer. And when they finally realize what I really am, it destroys them.

The best thing I can do is just check out of here before I break anyone else's heart. I probably won't any time soon. I'll convince myself that everything I'm saying right now isn't true, and I'll start the process all over again. But deep down I know it is.

 

[freedomcalls]

I think you are very self aware, and that most people are probably intrinsically selfish but don't have the self awareness that you do.

 

[jodes2]

A lot of people are like this, it's ok, it's not your fault. I guess just do the best you can. I'm sorry you want to CTB, I hope you find peace

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'm basically the same way. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I still know that I am selfish. I've been trying my whole life to be a better, more empathetic person, but it all feels like an act.

 

[stayinadreamforever]

I think you are very self aware, and that most people are probably intrinsically selfish but don't have the self awareness that you do.

Yeah, that's true. Everyone says making yourself aware of the problem is the first step toward fixing it, but I don't even want to fix it. I just want everyone to give me everything I need, while I give them most of what they need. If I can't have that, I'd rather die. Pretty fucked up.

I'm basically the same way. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I still know that I am selfish. I've been trying my whole life to be a better, more empathetic person, but it all feels like an act.

I feel you. The really fucked up thing about me is that I automatically gravitate toward other people who seem broken in some way. I have an overwhelming urge to fix them and make them feel better. But I do this for myself, not for them. I do it so I can feel good about "rescuing" someone else. Then when they're no longer convenient, when they start asking for things I don't feel like giving, I pull away and leave them. That's pure evil. As the Tool song says, I will work to elevate them just enough to bring them down. And I do it over and over again because I convince myself next time will be different.

I'm basically the same way. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I still know that I am selfish. I've been trying my whole life to be a better, more empathetic person, but it all feels like an act.

I feel you. The really fucked up thing about me is that I automatically gravitate toward other people who seem broken in some way. I have an overwhelming urge to fix them and make them feel better. But I do this for myself, not for them. I do it so I can feel good about "rescuing" someone else. Then when they're no longer convenient, when they start asking for things I don't feel like giving, I pull away and leave them. That's pure evil. As the Tool song says, I will work to elevate them just enough to bring them down. And I do it over and over again because I convince myself next time will be different.

 

[Nirrend]

The title pretty much says it. I am not a good person. I don't care about anyone besides myself. I frequently trick myself into thinking that I care about others. There are times when I actually believe I deeply love other people. But it's just not true. I'm addicted to other people liking me, and I know people like you better if they believe you value their happiness. So I do things that make it seem that way. I even convince myself it's genuine. But at the end of the day, I would ditch them in a heartbeat if it meant sacrificing too much.

There's no one I love, but I crave everyone else's love. How sick. The worst part is, strong, healthy people see through my bullshit. Or at least they don't invest too much of themselves in me. It's other weak, fucked up people who get attached to me. People who need what I'm pretending to offer. And when they finally realize what I really am, it destroys them.

The best thing I can do is just check out of here before I break anyone else's heart. I probably won't any time soon. I'll convince myself that everything I'm saying right now isn't true, and I'll start the process all over again. But deep down I know it is.

Hi sweet @stayinadreamforever

What you describe must be problematic on a daily basis and it is totally understandable

From what I understand, I must certainly be wrong, but I have the feeling that you love yourself a lot, that you value yourself and that what interests you is what can become, in your eyes, a proof of your value

Success, love of people, beauty, intelligence... and so on

If this is indeed the case, as you say, the sudden awareness of your interest in your self-worth could make you feel guilty

I understand you but don't be hard on yourself, we all have our flaws, at different levels and we always find some bad but also some good in anyone

You say you want to become a good person, maybe that means you are already a good person don't you think?

You wouldn't care about people, you wouldn't even ask that. Although I imagine that part of your request is due to a concern about what people think of you

No one's really good like no one's really bad.

I'll tell you something and it's just my opinion. Do you think that if you give so much attention to the fact that people like you, to the things that remind you that you have talent, qualities etc..

Don't you think it's because deep down you're afraid of not being loved, you feel lonely? Or maybe you have always devalued yourself in the past?

You know, often the behaviour we adopt is aimed at giving the illusion that our wounds are healed

So maybe your inner pain is the belief that you are not capable of, that you are rejected, unloved, have no skills, that you are stupid...

Know that, we love you here as much for the greatness you must surely inspire in everyday life, but also because your flaws are what make you unique ❤

Don't hide them, we won't judge, you are already a good person, only to fully love people, you must first love yourself sincerely and heal all those pains inside you

I believe in you, we are proud of you, because you draw your strength from your inner suffering

Keep it up, you'll become an even nicer person than you already are, I sincerely believe it

Love ❤

 

[Barteljaap]

I'm not a good person but I don't have the social skills to pull off any of this manipulative BS.

My evil has many times come out in words, but people can't really be hurt by words unless you know them well. My desire would be to punch up and hurt people who really have it good in life. I'm tired of all the sideways punching that goes in the world, what's the point of hurt people hurting each other even more?

Hopefully I can get my hands on a good CTB method before my evil shows itself in any other way.