Story I am new but this is beautiful. Is it real?

[feiganbaums]

Death seems to be tragic for those left alive. I haven't lost anyone close to me, so I can only imagine what it feels like, and guess from how my friends have coped with the death of someone they love. I guess I should feel lucky to have not experienced grief. I do. But ..

Last year when a man I knew jumped off a building, I felt happy for him. I know it might be different when it's someone I actually care about. But will it?

My mother is the saddest person I know. At least to me. She carries years of trauma inside of her, her pain has metastasized into knots that will take insane amount of work and energy to unravel. Energy that she doesn't have any more. I wish I could help her CTB. May be I don't truly love her.

The only reason I am alive is because I don't want to cause my mother any more pain. My father too. My friends will be able to deal, but my parents are fragile.

But may be my suicide can be the help my mother needs to CTB herself. But that's just wishful rationalization. And horribly selfish if I follow that chain of thought.

I had decided earlier this year, that I will not kill myself while either of my parents are alive. But that could be a while. Like a long while. My dad's mom is over a 100 years old. My mom's mother is 80 something. Neither of my parents are as healthy as my grandparents, but they seem to have inherited good genes. Oh well.

I wish there were gas chambers around the world that anybody could walk into. And after you are dead, your body and bones would be incinerated. And a team of psychologists would have helped you write/create your suicide notes which would be delivered to the people you care about at an appropriate time, along with your ashes, if you desired. There would be no body, no funeral to plan. So you could leave the people who care about you in the most compassionate way possible, if you wish to.

I know some people don't have the choice to fantasize about gas chambers or give two shits about those left behind. But I feel like all of that is a symptom of this stupid, relentless collective SI humanity has built itself around. If the proverbial gas chambers existed, and the picture of suicide wasn't a dead, injured rotting body; if the alive could relate suicide to something beautiful, meaningful and compassionate, we wouldn't get so much prolife resistance. I think suicide has a branding problem.

Anyway, this is my first post here and I know it's all over the place but this is how my brain works. I will post more structured pieces in the future. I am glad I finally found a place where I can discuss these thoughts.

 

[bulljacket]

Death seems to be tragic for those left alive. I haven't lost anyone close to me, so I can only imagine what it feels like, and guess from how my friends have coped with the death of someone they love. I guess I should feel lucky to have not experienced grief. I do. But ..

Last year when a man I knew jumped off a building, I felt happy for him. I know it might be different when it's someone I actually care about. But will it?

My mother is the saddest person I know. At least to me. She carries years of trauma inside of her, her pain has metastasized into knots that will take insane amount of work and energy to unravel. Energy that she doesn't have any more. I wish I could help her CTB. May be I don't truly love her.

The only reason I am alive is because I don't want to cause my mother any more pain. My father too. My friends will be able to deal, but my parents are fragile.

But may be my suicide can be the help my mother needs to CTB herself. But that's just wishful rationalization. And horribly selfish if I follow that chain of thought.

I had decided earlier this year, that I will not kill myself while either of my parents are alive. But that could be a while. Like a long while. My dad's mom is over a 100 years old. My mom's mother is 80 something. Neither of my parents are as healthy as my grandparents, but they seem to have inherited good genes. Oh well.

I wish there were gas chambers around the world that anybody could walk into. And after you are dead, your body and bones would be incinerated. And a team of psychologists would have helped you write/create your suicide notes which would be delivered to the people you care about at an appropriate time, along with your ashes, if you desired. There would be no body, no funeral to plan. So you could leave the people who care about you in the most compassionate way possible, if you wish to.

I know some people don't have the choice to fantasize about gas chambers or give two shits about those left behind. But I feel like all of that is a symptom of this stupid, relentless collective SI humanity has built itself around. If the proverbial gas chambers existed, and the picture of suicide wasn't a dead, injured rotting body; if the alive could relate suicide to something beautiful, meaningful and compassionate, we wouldn't get so much prolife resistance. I think suicide has a branding problem.

Anyway, this is my first post here and I know it's all over the place but this is how my brain works. I will post more structured pieces in the future. I am glad I finally found a place where I can discuss these thoughts.

I'm new here too. I like your post.

 

[feiganbaums]

I'm new here too. I like your post.

Hey thanks :)

 

[Pluto]

Welcome! Your thoughts on this topic show deep consideration for the ethics and issues.

The first thing to say is that we need to draw a distinction between 'Western human culture' and 'reality'. In reality, death is the #1 most natural thing that there is (yes, and taxes). When a flower perishes or a fish is consumed by a shark, there is no funeral. Each day, millions of cells within a human body die and are discarded for the benefit of the macroscopic organism.

Death in Western culture is associated with morbid horror, disappointing people around us or fear-driven religious beliefs about the afterlife such as judgement. It is difficult for us to see how vast the reality of the universe is compared to the humans and their fearful culture, which is quite literally in its own little world. Even stars within the galaxy go through cycles of life and death routinely, with lifespans that may be fierce and brief, or extend into the trillions of years.

The very tragic irony is that by viewing reality through the distorted lens of present-day human belief systems, we have created a world in which we compete with each other for resources. In a struggle to evade death, we attack the very ecosystem that is fundamental to our survival. We wage war with one another (literally and metaphorically) in the name of 'survival', only to die prematurely due to the stress of it all. All this to say nothing of the misery that we cause.

Does this answer everything? No. It is merely an invitation for the world to stop and admit that humans have become a disturbingly insane species unlike anything seen before. Overcoming this would surely mean living gracefully and dying peacefully in accordance with the laws of nature.

 

[feiganbaums]

Yess! We are an insane species, at least by the standards of our own species. But ants seem insane to me sometimes as well. And dogs, when they are overexcited, chasing cars and barking themselves dry.

We are obsessed with staying alive, even though it is often plain as day that death can often be the more reasonable choice. Even when prolonging life is obviously cruel. It needs to change.

I don't think it is just western culture where suicide and death is considered morbid. But many cultures around the world have a more nuanced take on suicide, I agree.

 

[onleana]

thank you so much for this post. it's the first time ever i hear someone talk about this. I feel so much less alone. thank you.

 

[feiganbaums]

thank you so much for this post. it's the first time ever i hear someone talk about this. I feel so much less alone. thank you.

Xxxxx

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the survival instinct keeps many people alive, as even know we want to die it goes against our instinct to survive. The survival instinct can manifest in different ways and it is the way we have evolved. It does mean that suicide is very difficult. There is so much stigma towards suicide. For me it is necessary as it is the only way to end the suffering. I do look forward to death and I want nothing to do with life, nothing will ever make me want to live. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best.

 

[LittleJem]

Me too! Gas chambers please. I'm Jewish and I would love a voluntary gas chamber!!

 

[feiganbaums]

I think the survival instinct keeps many people alive, as even know we want to die it goes against our instinct to survive. The survival instinct can manifest in different ways and it is the way we have evolved. It does mean that suicide is very difficult. There is so much stigma towards suicide. For me it is necessary as it is the only way to end the suffering. I do look forward to death and I want nothing to do with life, nothing will ever make me want to live. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best.

My hope is that we can move in a direction that is less anti-choice. I know it's probably going to take a few generations. Thanks for your words.