Venting I am myself because of my suicidality

[liquid-crystal daze]

I don't want to say that I am proud of how I have turned out. And I don't want to say that you can't be a good person (whatever that means, I hate using that term) and also relatively untraumatized, though I've yet to encounter anybody like that. And I would trade all my shortcomings out in an instant, but I also can't imagine who I would be then. I hate my life, my body and mind, my (lack of any) relationships, but every time I try to picture any other version of myself, better or worse, it feels ridiculous and I can't go on. Even looking at what I could've done in the past feels juvenile. So I guess this isn't pride or thankfulness in my life but acceptance (do I need to put a specific word to it? It doesn't change the feeling anyways). I think if I was in a better place this would be a step in the direction of recovery, but feeling like I'm finally beginning to piece together why I am so obsessed with dying (not even suicide specifically, but no person or force seems to be interested in killing me any time soon and life is to depressing to wait) only assures me in my decision. There is nothing else out there for me, I can't even picture my life in any other direction. I don't believe in destiny, but there's no other way to describe why I am motivated to CTB.

 

[jojobanana]

its hard to truly put into words what leads people to this conclusion but op I hope it helps to know there are many of us that feel this way too and you're not alone in how you feel

 

[_Gollum_]

I know what you mean. My suicidality is a part of me now, and more than just being an emotional state, it has become a robust philosophy. It has become impossible to imagine a future version of myself that isn't at least passively suicidal.

 

[♡Sayori_Kinnie♡]

For me, I've just been like this for so long that I would be an entirely different person if I WEREN'T suicidal. A version of me who isn't would be a stranger. There's an attachment to it since, well, a me who isn't depressed (whether it be hidden or not) just wouldn't feel like me.

 

[alstroemeria55]

I don't know what it's like not to be depressed and to be a well adjusted human being for more than a week or so. I feel like I'm doomed to be this way forever and I don't know if there could be a version of me that's different. Then again maybe I see myself harsher than others do but they don't have to deal with me 24/7. I'm just fucked. And I don't know how to get unfucked or if it's even possible.

 

[liquid-crystal daze]

I know what you mean. My suicidality is a part of me now, and more than just being an emotional state, it has become a robust philosophy. It has become impossible to imagine a future version of myself that isn't at least passively suicidal.

A robust philosophy is the perfect way to describe it. It seems to steer every part of my life, how I process my surroundings and how i justify my overstayed existence.

I don't know what it's like not to be depressed and to be a well adjusted human being for more than a week or so. I feel like I'm doomed to be this way forever and I don't know if there could be a version of me that's different. Then again maybe I see myself harsher than others do but they don't have to deal with me 24/7. I'm just fucked. And I don't know how to get unfucked or if it's even possible.

I think everybody here is a little too harsh on themselves, but we're also the only ones that perfectly understand ourselves. Maybe it's because we understand ourselves that we're so harsh. But I think if you want to get unfucked it's possible to get unfucked. But I wouldn't blame you or pity you for lying down instead. Leaving a problem you don't have a good answer for alone is only rational.

 

[kk13]

I get you. I don't remember a version of myself that wasn't depressed. I used to dream of a future where I wasnt depressed but instead I gradually became suicidal, and now i dont see myself in the future at all. Maybe ill live a week a month a year but i know it wont be out of choice. The first chance i get im throwing myself off the balcony. And its so sad because im only 19 im so young people would say I have so much life left to live but i know i will not be able to
achieve the life i want especially if im living with my own mind