Help i am in a lose-lose situation where i have to self harm

[setty]

(can i just vent a bit and i want just some opinions?)

i have no discipline when it comes to most things
and it just seems like i am stuck with having to do stuff that i hate everyday
i just cant imagine myself doing this for much longer
either my situation improves or idk

much of my problems still come from school
so i guess nothing really changed since high school
just so many overdue assignments i have not even started yet
and just not studying for exams even if i have the time

no matter how much i can lie,
and no matter how much i cant control in my life,
i promise you,
this one is my fault.

and i have really only thought of one option

(im just going to be honest; i have already posted about my life not going so well, and i mentioned relapsing and cutting myself, to cope with the situation; i never really said why i did it though, the reason that i started to sh, was something like a punishment;)

i used to punish myself if i had procrastinated on any work i had to do
and that used to be some sort of "motivation" to get stuff done
and i actually was able to get work done and do somewhat well in school
but i was reliant on sh to do anything

i tried to stop for a while

then whenever i cut myself it just became
i hate myself
i did not do enough
and i just deserved it
; or i was just doing it for no reason at all

now i dont know, if i should pick up the habit of cutting myself to do work
or just pray that somehow i find another reason to care about school

i have been able to do this before
i know if i just get it over with i can actually be happy
i can actually be somewhat content with myself
i wont be as disappointed and filled with self hatred as i am now

because its either i hate myself for not doing work and wasting time
so i cut myself
or its i am procrastinating on my assignments or not studying for exams
so i cut myself

(tl;dr
i either self harm and get stuff done, or i hate myself for not getting stuff done and self harm
so i get fucked either way)

fuck me
i just hate how everything works
idk why these are the choices im left with
i actually need help
i just need to hear something

 

[dogpaws]

You do not deserve pain no matter if you prepared enough or not for the exams/assignments. Do you have focus issues, trouble meeting deadlines? Procrastination issues? I used to deal with those a lot, and still do. You may find study tips aimed at people with ADHD helpful(not to armchair diagnose, I just find that googling ADHD study tips has more helpful results than googling 'how to stop procrastinating' and be met 'you just stop!')

 

[setty]

I used to deal with those a lot, and still do. You may find study tips aimed at people with ADHD helpful(not to armchair diagnose, I just find that googling ADHD study tips has more helpful results than googling 'how to stop procrastinating' and be met 'you just stop!')

i will try doing this, and ill just see if i can improve.

though i think most of my issues come with just not wanting to do it,
i just lack the motivation to do my work, even though i know i have to do it
so i dont know if being able to focus better will help
if i cant get started in the first place

anyways, thank you for the suggestion and your kind words