hopeurhappylb
just a bit silly
- Feb 4, 2024
- 28
god life just does not feel worth living in the slightest. I'm still affected by dumbass trauma that happened to me that I should be over by now, and I'm having depressive episodes all the time still, life is miserable and I feel so many terrible, indescribable negative emotions that I can't describe to anyone or else they'll think I'm crazy, or think different of me.
I kinda hope when I CTB that the people who traumatized me will find out and need to either carry the guilt to their graves or learn to be better people for the sake of everyone. Very wishful thinking, they probably will just point and laugh, but whatever.
another thing that bothers me about being alive is the frequent nightmares and sleep paralysis I have, the nightmares because of the trauma. I'm not sure why I always have sleep paralysis but it sucks, since I'm a complete pussy. and the nightmares always send me into deeper depression
I've also always struggled with memory and identity, I have BPD so that's probably what that's about. I also have OCD and autism so I'm constantly miserable.
I wish I wasn't traumatized, I wish this wasn't the life I was leading, but even if I wasn't traumatized at all I would still be at least a little suicidal because of how terrible the world is in general, and my mental illness wouldn't just go away.
suicide is just such a comforting idea, no longer existing, and if there's a heaven or something then maybe it'll be chill up there and I'll be cured of every bad thing that's ever happened to me. But I believe in the complete nonexistence, which is great by me. also people might give a shit about me when I die, which is cool. and maybe they'll regret treating me like a wet doormat made out of soggy spaghetti noodles and subjecting me to abuse. or maybe the won't, but I won't care because I won't exist, so yay. Here's to hoping I can end it all soon.
I kinda hope when I CTB that the people who traumatized me will find out and need to either carry the guilt to their graves or learn to be better people for the sake of everyone. Very wishful thinking, they probably will just point and laugh, but whatever.
another thing that bothers me about being alive is the frequent nightmares and sleep paralysis I have, the nightmares because of the trauma. I'm not sure why I always have sleep paralysis but it sucks, since I'm a complete pussy. and the nightmares always send me into deeper depression
I've also always struggled with memory and identity, I have BPD so that's probably what that's about. I also have OCD and autism so I'm constantly miserable.
I wish I wasn't traumatized, I wish this wasn't the life I was leading, but even if I wasn't traumatized at all I would still be at least a little suicidal because of how terrible the world is in general, and my mental illness wouldn't just go away.
suicide is just such a comforting idea, no longer existing, and if there's a heaven or something then maybe it'll be chill up there and I'll be cured of every bad thing that's ever happened to me. But I believe in the complete nonexistence, which is great by me. also people might give a shit about me when I die, which is cool. and maybe they'll regret treating me like a wet doormat made out of soggy spaghetti noodles and subjecting me to abuse. or maybe the won't, but I won't care because I won't exist, so yay. Here's to hoping I can end it all soon.
