NSFW I am going to do something horrible

[Shepherd's boy]

[VENTING][TRIGGER WARNING]

Hello everyone. I am very sorry for what I am about to write, but I can't figure out any other place where people would take my situation seriously and would not judge me. I am going to vent about my digusting secret, which I hate the most and what I am going to do with it. Please, don't read if you are sensetive. This is going to be tough.

The thing is that I am fond of very cruel type of porn, where women dominate men. It is better to say that I hate it, but my body craves to watch another shitty video from time to time. I started to watch such movies since I was quite young, but only few years ago I came up with a thought that it is not healthy behavior, because in this period of my life I met my girlfriend Lena. I was very lucky to meet her, because she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life and she stopped me from catching the bus and we went through all hardships together. And in exactly this period I aquired strong reason to live this live and do something useful to make the life of hers happier.

We became very close to each other very quickly and it was like symbiosis, like we had one common heart and we both were responsible for its beating. This made me feel like I betray her every time I watch any kind of adult content and I tried to stop. Without any success, because after a month or two a relapse was guaranteed, Moreover, in this moments I first time felt myself like an animal. During relapses within temptation of incoming pictures I felt like my head was empty, all those feelings towards Lena had gone and all my body was shivering like never before during the process of choosing an appropriate clip. All this usually lasted about two hours and after this I begged her for forgivness and I again and again sweared to fix this, but I couldn't.

We both suffered from it, but then I started to take ADs that reduced libido and I have been taking it over a year and it was beautiful time. We was just spending all days together just talking in Telegram calls or irl and there was no place for such dirty lust in our relationship. But recently I had lost my prescription and came up with the supidiest idea that I would manage to live without meds one or two weeks easily (no). Without them, literally after a year of peace and serenity, it has been all returned and I did it again and again and again. I ruined all our relationship and can't lie anymore that I will fix the situation someday. I see that this is ruining our lifes and need to do something radical as soon as possible.

I found wikipedia article about orchectomy and lurking I found out that in order to perform this procedure, my case needs to be approved by several specialists and, to be honest, I have no a slightes desire to talk with therapists about it. I have read an instruction on wiki and it seems like an easy procedure to do by myself and it doesn't seem to be very painful. I want to do all dirty job in the shower, sew up all incisions as nice as I can and then call an ambulance (it is free in our country) and gently ask them to help me to heal wounds properly. I think it is the best way to go, because I can't see any other alternative. I owe my life and all the grains of happiness that I have to this woman and I am very afraid of losing her because of my animal nature. Now I am waiting for a surgical scalpel and threads to arrive and this will be all set.

What do you think about all this? Say anything, please. It is very important to me and sorry again you had to listen to all this horrible story. Thank you!

P.S. Sorry for my poor english.

 

[jodes2]

Don't feel bad

 

[Shepherd's boy]

Don't feel bad

Yeah, thank you. But seems like I am cursed, just like all fellas here, I suppose.
I am starting to actually feel the quote: "We all carry our prisons with us."

 

[MidnightDream]

Porn addiction is very normal, and something that many people experience, probably more than you'd think. If you're struggling with it to the point where it's impacted your relationship, it might be worth seeking out therapy. Like all addictions, it CAN be treated. But please don't feel bad, it's a disease.

 

[Shepherd's boy]

Porn addiction is very normal, and something that many people experience, probably more than you'd think. If you're struggling with it to the point where it's impacted your relationship, it might be worth seeking out therapy. Like all addictions, it CAN be treated. But please don't feel bad, it's a disease.

Yes, but in my case it came into this world with me and it is inseparable part of my organism, like the ability to breath, or the fear of death.

 

[draingang]

Please do not cut your balls off. You are not a healthcare specialist and you will probably do more damage than good to yourself.

Even though it might feel like your life depends on porn, addictions are curable. I've been struggling with a porn addiction too but I'm managing to get better every day. If you can't do it on your own I'd recommend looking for therapy. I understand it's hard and shameful to speak about addiction, especially a porn addiction with somebody but trust me, it's still better than scarring yourself for life.

 

[stoopid]

Nothing wrong with bdsm, even the harder ones. Don't feel bad about yourself, you're not the only one. I was myself into really hard stuff, these fetishes grow stronger if you try to avoid them.

You could try find another partner from various apps and focus on other hobbys, if you go cold turkey without a stable "stuff you do your free time" that will probably lead to problems, like alcoholics if they don't change their life alongside with their mindset that keeps them busy their will always fall back.

 

[nozomu]

Do not perform surgery on yourself. This is a horrible idea.

Go to therapy to confront your addiction if that bothers you. Your partner should take this as evidence you are trying.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Can you start taking the medication again? And do not cut your balls off! About porn addiction, I've been stroking to that shit since I was 11 or something but now I went an effortless week of no porn. The trick for me is to preemptively jack off to the imagination, separating porn and masturbation, and making it so that you don't want to watch porn (since you just ejaculated). Might not work for you, but just throwing it out there. Again, please don't cut your balls off.

 

[PriestessOfVenus]

DIY orchiectomy is something that trans women (persons making a physical transition from male to female) have occasionally done out of desperation - it is NOT unheard of, by any means. I was fortunate to have mine done by a professional surgeon, as part of an even more complex operation called vaginoplasty (and fortunate to have a well-paying job to where I could afford to pay $11k for that surgery, cash price in Mexico), but I know that many others are not so fortunate, and many have done DIY. Another trick that some people have done is ethyl alcohol injections into the testes, causing them to die - the objective is the same, to stop the production of T.

If you decide to do it, please research it thoroughly - it is very doable, but not something to rush into.

 

[Shepherd's boy]

Thank you all for your kindness, but it is not a rush and unthoughtful decision, but, to be honest, I am also unsure about safety of this procedure.

DIY orchiectomy is something that trans women (persons making a physical transition from male to female) have occasionally done out of desperation - it is NOT unheard of, by any means. I was fortunate to have mine done by a professional surgeon, as part of an even more complex operation called vaginoplasty (and fortunate to have a well-paying job to where I could afford to pay $11k for that surgery, cash price in Mexico), but I know that many others are not so fortunate, and many have done DIY. Another trick that some people have done is ethyl alcohol injections into the testes, causing them to die - the objective is the same, to stop the production of T.

If you decide to do it, please research it thoroughly - it is very doable, but not something to rush into.

Thank you for this valuable information. Here they say that I can use so called elastration rings. It seems much more safer way to go about it. Have you heard something about it?

 

[PriestessOfVenus]

Thank you all for your kindness, but it is not a rush and unthoughtful decision, but, to be honest, I am also unsure about safety of this procedure.

Thank you for this valuable information. Here they say that I can use so called elastration rings. It seems much more safer way to go about it. Have you heard something about it?

I am not particularly familiar with self-castration techniques, as I got my detesticulation done professionally as part of a more complete sex change operation. However, the most complete and most frank (no sugar-coating) article I have seen on the subject of self-castration is this one:

https://ksenia.sexy/en/self-orchiectomy

In this article Ksenia (the author) does say: "Methods such as injection of toxins like ethyl alcohol or lactic acid and restricting blood flow using rings or clamps result in necrosis which require surgical removal. Therefore, a properly-performed surgical orchiectomy is the safest and most effective method of castration." What you are talking about (elastration rings) sounds like what Ksenia is warning about - so take this info and do what you will with it. Again, I have no firsthand knowledge of my own, merely passing along resources which I encountered while hanging out with more marginalized elements of transgender community.

Of course if someone is looking for the safest method, with lowest risk, then various chemical castration drugs will be much safer than any kind of self-surgery - but those chemical methods have the obvious downside that you have to keep taking those meds, and if you discontinue, T production and its effects come back. If you are interested in those more temporary drug options, r/TransDIY on Reddit would be the best resource.

 

[Fwompje]

[VENTING][TRIGGER WARNING]

Hello everyone. I am very sorry for what I am about to write, but I can't figure out any other place where people would take my situation seriously and would not judge me. I am going to vent about my digusting secret, which I hate the most and what I am going to do with it. Please, don't read if you are sensetive. This is going to be tough.

The thing is that I am fond of very cruel type of porn, where women dominate men. It is better to say that I hate it, but my body craves to watch another shitty video from time to time. I started to watch such movies since I was quite young, but only few years ago I came up with a thought that it is not healthy behavior, because in this period of my life I met my girlfriend Lena. I was very lucky to meet her, because she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life and she stopped me from catching the bus and we went through all hardships together. And in exactly this period I aquired strong reason to live this live and do something useful to make the life of hers happier.

We became very close to each other very quickly and it was like symbiosis, like we had one common heart and we both were responsible for its beating. This made me feel like I betray her every time I watch any kind of adult content and I tried to stop. Without any success, because after a month or two a relapse was guaranteed, Moreover, in this moments I first time felt myself like an animal. During relapses within temptation of incoming pictures I felt like my head was empty, all those feelings towards Lena had gone and all my body was shivering like never before during the process of choosing an appropriate clip. All this usually lasted about two hours and after this I begged her for forgivness and I again and again sweared to fix this, but I couldn't.

We both suffered from it, but then I started to take ADs that reduced libido and I have been taking it over a year and it was beautiful time. We was just spending all days together just talking in Telegram calls or irl and there was no place for such dirty lust in our relationship. But recently I had lost my prescription and came up with the supidiest idea that I would manage to live without meds one or two weeks easily (no). Without them, literally after a year of peace and serenity, it has been all returned and I did it again and again and again. I ruined all our relationship and can't lie anymore that I will fix the situation someday. I see that this is ruining our lifes and need to do something radical as soon as possible.

I found wikipedia article about orchectomy and lurking I found out that in order to perform this procedure, my case needs to be approved by several specialists and, to be honest, I have no a slightes desire to talk with therapists about it. I have read an instruction on wiki and it seems like an easy procedure to do by myself and it doesn't seem to be very painful. I want to do all dirty job in the shower, sew up all incisions as nice as I can and then call an ambulance (it is free in our country) and gently ask them to help me to heal wounds properly. I think it is the best way to go, because I can't see any other alternative. I owe my life and all the grains of happiness that I have to this woman and I am very afraid of losing her because of my animal nature. Now I am waiting for a surgical scalpel and threads to arrive and this will be all set.

What do you think about all this? Say anything, please. It is very important to me and sorry again you had to listen to all this horrible story. Thank you!

P.S. Sorry for my poor english.

I actually recently learned about a similar case where someone did this and then got medical help and it was fine so if yo really want this I wouldn't be able to say anything to stop you. It's just a shame you wouldn't talk to a doctor about it but then again, it's such a sensitive topic. It has to be incredibly painful to do though.

It's not a horrible story. Taboo? Perhaps, but I respect you and your decisions.

You're still with your gf? What does she think of your plan?

 

[Shepherd's boy]

I actually recently learned about a similar case where someone did this and then got medical help and it was fine so if yo really want this I wouldn't be able to say anything to stop you. It's just a shame you wouldn't talk to a doctor about it but then again, it's such a sensitive topic. It has to be incredibly painful to do though.

It's not a horrible story. Taboo? Perhaps, but I respect you and your decisions.

You're still with your gf? What does she think of your plan?

Thank you for your support. We are together, but I am very ashamed to talk to her as I used to. She is very unhappy about my decision, but I have already brought it up many times before through out our relationship (3 years). But I think if I ensure her, that that would be done with all responsibility and accuracy then she will give me a green light, I hope.

Don't mutilate yourself, you are not thinking clearly

Thank you for your care, but actually now I think very clear and I have this idea in my head for a quite long time. On the other hand, I don't think at all when those hormones come in and I hope to fix this.

 

[rest in peace]

please dont hate yourself so much, like many other people you have an issue that happens to be porn addiction, but seriously don't mutilate yourself, that is NOT a good idea and i can assure you that your lover would hate that for you, for you to hurt yourself in that manner, and not only is it not even guaranteed to work, it could result in some new horrible issues that could be permanent. IF you plan on doing something, consult a professional. DO NOT MUTILATE YOURSELF.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

I owe my life and all the grains of happiness that I have to this woman and I am very afraid of losing her because of my animal nature.

I strongly suggest you don't do that, and particularly don't try your hand at self-surgery. Unless she's extremely messed up, cutting your balls off is a guarantee you'll lose her.

My thought is that's a terrible idea. Take your drugs again, or look for some kind of therapy like CBT or NLP. Remember that for therapy to work, you need to find a competent therapist, and they need to be "the right match" for you. Just don't cut your balls off and think that won't make everything far worse than it is now.

 

[Shepherd's boy]

please dont hate yourself so much, like many other people you have an issue that happens to be porn addiction, but seriously don't mutilate yourself, that is NOT a good idea and i can assure you that your lover would hate that for you, for you to hurt yourself in that manner, and not only is it not even guaranteed to work, it could result in some new horrible issues that could be permanent. IF you plan on doing something, consult a professional. DO NOT MUTILATE YOURSELF.

But in internet articles it is said that this is not very hard operation to perform and it takes an hour to do it for surgeon. I think that I am able to do it, but ubfortunatly without anasthesia. And, at the end of the day, I would ask for medical help. But this is quite scary, I agree.

 

[rest in peace]

But in internet articles it is said that this is not very hard operation to perform and it takes an hour to do it for surgeon. I think that I am able to do it, but ubfortunatly without anasthesia. And, at the end of the day, I would ask for medical help. But this is quite scary, I agree.

wtf man internet articles are not a reliable source and im sure they meant its not a hard operation to perform for the SURGEON not the patient. please try EVERYTHING before you consider this operation and if you do plan on doing it do NOT do it yourself, it could go very, very very wrong and ruin more things. and dont hate yourself so much, as you said you had this issue since you were a child and it may take a while to fully heal just like you didn'tdevelop this addiction overnight. dont be so hard on yourself, please take care of yourself

 

[Shepherd's boy]

I strongly suggest you don't do that, and particularly don't try your hand at self-surgery. Unless she's extremely messed up, cutting your balls off is a guarantee you'll lose her.

Why do you think that she'd leave me? I just can't handle myself because of this. During relapses I don't feel anything I used to feel before. All my ideas and thoughts that I used to listen and live according to disappear and this makes me realy realy sad. Because in my clear state of mind I feel myself like I am something more than just meat and bones. I have only one life and it is a great gift to be able to think, because it gives you an ability of planing, imagine and exploring all things around. This what makes you feel human and this gives you an opportunity of taking thoughtful decisions. Maybe if I had more time to live, I would consider to fight against this curse, but as soon as I can perish any time, I want to start to live right now. And, to be fair, if you replace "cutting your balls of" with "gently removing your testicles" it will not seem so cruel and radical anymore.

wtf man internet articles are not a reliable source and im sure they meant its not a hard operation to perform for the SURGEON not the patient. please try EVERYTHING before you consider this operation and if you do plan on doing it do NOT do it yourself, it could go very, very very wrong and ruin more things. and dont hate yourself so much, as you said you had this issue since you were a child and it may take a while to fully heal just like you didn'tdevelop this addiction overnight. dont be so hard on yourself, please take care of yourself

With a very high probability, any psychological sessions would not work for me, just like they don't work for people with inborn depression. Therapist just makes all your efforts to become better more valueable by encouraging and asking questions. It is realy helpful sometimes, but it is not something magical that can remove your genetical issues. Lena is better than any other psychologist because of her unconditional support and care and I trust her very much and that we both will support each other "without hope, without witness, without reward" (it is from Doctor Who).

 

[Forever Sleep]

Please don't try to operate on yourself- I really think that could go so badly wrong.

Have you ever tried to find out WHY you are so drawn to this type of porn? I haven't done any proper research but I once watched a documentary on fetishes and the psychology behind them. Bondage fetishes and even rape fetishes don't necessarily mean that someone WANTS that to really happen to them in real life. This documentary suggested that sometimes these fantasies come about because a person feels akward/ embarrassed about sex- so the fantasy of being forced to do it is subconsciously appealing. Also- that people who have a lot of responsibility in their lives- making all the decisions- may enjoy the fantasy of being controlled in the bedroom. They were just a couple of suggestions but it was interesting.

Does Lena know about all of your struggles? I'm sure she doesn't want you to mutilate yourself. It sounds as if you DO have an amazing relationship there. How does she really feel about all this?

To be honest- I don't think any of this is your 'fault'. I feel like fetishes quite often develop for specific reasons. You didn't chose to be drawn to this. It does seem to be a compulsion though- and I'm sure there are less drastic ways of dealing with it. I do understand that you don't think therapy would work but isn't it at least worth trying?

 

[draingang]

With a very high probability, any psychological sessions would not work for me, just like they don't work for people with inborn depression. Therapist just makes all your efforts to become better more valueable by encouraging and asking questions. It is realy helpful sometimes, but it is not something magical that can remove your genetical issues. Lena is better than any other psychologist because of her unconditional support and care and I trust her very much and that we both will support each other "without hope, without witness, without reward" (it is from Doctor Who).

I don't know how to tell you man, but nobody is born with a porn addiction. You could be born with a naturally high libido or a high tendency to develop addictions, but being born with any particular addiction is not something that happens. Still, even though it is possible that you are genetically inclined to develop them, that doesn't mean they're incurable. I beg you, do not mutilate yourself.

In the end you will do what you want and nobody can stop you, but I don't think you're thinking clearly. If you are really going to go through with it, at least let a qualified surgeon do it. You are not a professional and there's a high chance you will hurt yourself more than help yourself.

 

[Shepherd's boy]

Please don't try to operate on yourself- I really think that could go so badly wrong.

Have you ever tried to find out WHY you are so drawn to this type of porn? I haven't done any proper research but I once watched a documentary on fetishes and the psychology behind them. Bondage fetishes and even rape fetishes don't necessarily mean that someone WANTS that to really happen to them in real life. This documentary suggested that sometimes these fantasies come about because a person feels akward/ embarrassed about sex- so the fantasy of being forced to do it is subconsciously appealing. Also- that people who have a lot of responsibility in their lives- making all the decisions- may enjoy the fantasy of being controlled in the bedroom. They were just a couple of suggestions but it was interesting.

Does Lena know about all of your struggles? I'm sure she doesn't want you to mutilate yourself. It sounds as if you DO have an amazing relationship there. How does she really feel about all this?

To be honest- I don't think any of this is your 'fault'. I feel like fetishes quite often develop for specific reasons. You didn't chose to be drawn to this. It does seem to be a compulsion though- and I'm sure there are less drastic ways of dealing with it. I do understand that you don't think therapy would work but isn't it at least worth trying?

Thank you very much. FYI your message really made me to think about it some more time and somewhat deeper. But it is really disturbing deaseas, because, while most of the time during relapses I somewhat control myself from falling to deep, but occasionaly I stumble and for real want to be on the place of an actor in most cruel scenese. To you understanding how cruel I will give you an example: I lose my 1 year streak because of scene from Atomic Hear where one of the twins pierced main character with a heel. After this my mind was flooded with thoughts about it and how would be nice to be killed in this way (I merely craved for it). And I watched many kind of stuff these days, but one I remember very clear. Some guy was screaming for help so hard (he wasn't acting for sure) so Lena heard it through my headphones and she watched in my eyes shocked, but I felt almost nothing. This was an extreme case, but who knows what would come next after a year or two. Even this time I was doing this past 3 days and my body had craved for it so often so after a couple hours I fell asleep at 2pm and got up at 11pm (I had slept all night before). Now this thing has gone, but I think it is due to ADs that I started to take again after this all began. I am really afraid for our future and that some day I would give money to some cruel woman to perform this stuff on me. This is my biggest fear and I feel very insecure understanding that between me and this beast inside my mind stand only some pills, that I need to take daily. It is not fetish, it is desease and it is very strong,

Sorry for spilling all this on you. Sorry.

I don't know how to tell you man, but nobody is born with a porn addiction. You could be born with a naturally high libido or a high tendency to develop addictions, but being born with any particular addiction is not something that happens. Still, even though it is possible that you are genetically inclined to develop them, that doesn't mean they're incurable. I beg you, do not mutilate yourself.

In the end you will do what you want and nobody can stop you, but I don't think you're thinking clearly. If you are really going to go through with it, at least let a qualified surgeon do it. You are not a professional and there's a high chance you will hurt yourself more than help yourself.

Thank you. I understand your point, but the reason I think that my case is different is that in kinder garden (far earlier than puberty (5-6 years old)) girls came up with a game. It was game of tag, but when they caught some of the boys, they bring us inside a terrace and we were like a prisoners that are tied to a stool. And they kissed us for some reason. And I liked so much, but not being kissed, but being imprisoned by girls. I didn't even knew how babies come into this world, but this all was so exciting and pleasant for me. Also when I was a bit older, I tied myself to a stool and pretended that I was a hostage. It also gave me goosebumps, but I don't remember if it was something horny, but I do remember that it was long before I found out about any kind of porn. So, based on this, I have concluded that it is not an addiction in a common understanding, but something that is woven very tightly into me.
Also now, after all I have seen, when I close my eyes I see vivid flashes of this scenes, though in my healthy or normal state I even can't imagine an apple with my eyes closed.

 

[rest in peace]

Why do you think that she'd leave me? I just can't handle myself because of this. During relapses I don't feel anything I used to feel before. All my ideas and thoughts that I used to listen and live according to disappear and this makes me realy realy sad. Because in my clear state of mind I feel myself like I am something more than just meat and bones. I have only one life and it is a great gift to be able to think, because it gives you an ability of planing, imagine and exploring all things around. This what makes you feel human and this gives you an opportunity of taking thoughtful decisions. Maybe if I had more time to live, I would consider to fight against this curse, but as soon as I can perish any time, I want to start to live right now. And, to be fair, if you replace "cutting your balls of" with "gently removing your testicles" it will not seem so cruel and radical anymore.

With a very high probability, any psychological sessions would not work for me, just like they don't work for people with inborn depression. Therapist just makes all your efforts to become better more valueable by encouraging and asking questions. It is realy helpful sometimes, but it is not something magical that can remove your genetical issues. Lena is better than any other psychologist because of her unconditional support and care and I trust her very much and that we both will support each other "without hope, without witness, without reward" (it is from Doctor Who).

yeah i feel you, by professional i didnt necessarily mean therapy tho if you didn't do it yet its worth the try. however im saying if u plan on getting that surgery do it professionally not at home on your own

Thank you very much. FYI your message really made me to think about it some more time and somewhat deeper. But it is really disturbing deaseas, because, while most of the time during relapses I somewhat control myself from falling to deep, but occasionaly I stumble and for real want to be on the place of an actor in most cruel scenese. To you understanding how cruel I will give you an example: I lose my 1 year streak because of scene from Atomic Hear where one of the twins pierced main character with a heel. After this my mind was flooded with thoughts about it and how would be nice to be killed in this way (I merely craved for it). And I watched many kind of stuff these days, but one I remember very clear. Some guy was screaming for help so hard (he wasn't acting for sure) so Lena heard it through my headphones and she watched in my eyes shocked, but I felt almost nothing. This was an extreme case, but who knows what would come next after a year or two. Even this time I was doing this past 3 days and my body had craved for it so often so after a couple hours I fell asleep at 2pm and got up at 11pm (I had slept all night before). Now this thing has gone, but I think it is due to ADs that I started to take again after this all began. I am really afraid for our future and that some day I would give money to some cruel woman to perform this stuff on me. This is my biggest fear and I feel very insecure understanding that between me and this beast inside my mind stand only some pills, that I need to take daily. It is not fetish, it is desease and it is very strong,

Sorry for spilling all this on you. Sorry.

Thank you. I understand your point, but the reason I think that my case is different is that in kinder garden (far earlier than puberty (5-6 years old)) girls came up with a game. It was game of tag, but when they caught some of the boys, they bring us inside a terrace and we were like a prisoners that are tied to a stool. And they kissed us for some reason. And I liked so much, but not being kissed, but being imprisoned by girls. I didn't even knew how babies come into this world, but this all was so exciting and pleasant for me. Also when I was a bit older, I tied myself to a stool and pretended that I was a hostage. It also gave me goosebumps, but I don't remember if it was something horny, but I do remember that it was long before I found out about any kind of porn. So, based on this, I have concluded that it is not an addiction in a common understanding, but something that is woven very tightly into me.
Also now, after all I have seen, when I close my eyes I see vivid flashes of this scenes, though in my healthy or normal state I even can't imagine an apple with my eyes closed.

you havent been abused as a kid have you?

 

[Shepherd's boy]

you havent been abused as a kid have you?

No, I had good friends and my mother was quite kind to me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you very much. FYI your message really made me to think about it some more time and somewhat deeper. But it is really disturbing deaseas, because, while most of the time during relapses I somewhat control myself from falling to deep, but occasionaly I stumble and for real want to be on the place of an actor in most cruel scenese. To you understanding how cruel I will give you an example: I lose my 1 year streak because of scene from Atomic Hear where one of the twins pierced main character with a heel. After this my mind was flooded with thoughts about it and how would be nice to be killed in this way (I merely craved for it). And I watched many kind of stuff these days, but one I remember very clear. Some guy was screaming for help so hard (he wasn't acting for sure) so Lena heard it through my headphones and she watched in my eyes shocked, but I felt almost nothing. This was an extreme case, but who knows what would come next after a year or two. Even this time I was doing this past 3 days and my body had craved for it so often so after a couple hours I fell asleep at 2pm and got up at 11pm (I had slept all night before). Now this thing has gone, but I think it is due to ADs that I started to take again after this all began. I am really afraid for our future and that some day I would give money to some cruel woman to perform this stuff on me. This is my biggest fear and I feel very insecure understanding that between me and this beast inside my mind stand only some pills, that I need to take daily. It is not fetish, it is desease and it is very strong,

Sorry for spilling all this on you. Sorry.

Thank you. I understand your point, but the reason I think that my case is different is that in kinder garden (far earlier than puberty (5-6 years old)) girls came up with a game. It was game of tag, but when they caught some of the boys, they bring us inside a terrace and we were like a prisoners that are tied to a stool. And they kissed us for some reason. And I liked so much, but not being kissed, but being imprisoned by girls. I didn't even knew how babies come into this world, but this all was so exciting and pleasant for me. Also when I was a bit older, I tied myself to a stool and pretended that I was a hostage. It also gave me goosebumps, but I don't remember if it was something horny, but I do remember that it was long before I found out about any kind of porn. So, based on this, I have concluded that it is not an addiction in a common understanding, but something that is woven very tightly into me.
Also now, after all I have seen, when I close my eyes I see vivid flashes of this scenes, though in my healthy or normal state I even can't imagine an apple with my eyes closed.

You don't need to apologise. I chose to engage with the thread. I wouldn't have done it if I felt uncomfortable.

Honestly, I sort of wonder how many people ARE turned on by this sort of thing but don't want to admit it... Think how many torture/ bondage scenes there are in mainstream media- 50 Shades of Grey being the obvious one. I think you're brave to talk about this kind of stuff. I feel too embarassed to talk about stuff like this. I guess I've just kind of accepted that certain things that really shouldn't excite me- do. I think I had both sadistic and masochistic feelings growing up. I'm not sure how common that is really. Thankfully, the sadistic side has gone (I hope) but I do have masochistic fantasies too. I'm not convinced I'd ACTUALLY enjoy them in real life though.

I do understand why it disturbs you that such violent things are arousing to you and of course- that you worry how it will affect your relationship. I suppose I think masochism is preferable to sadism. It doesn't seem like you want to inflict pain. That's at least some relief maybe- especially where your girlfriend is concerned!

Do you think you will always be able to sate your need watching porn- or- does it feel like it is feeding the desire? I guess that is the main thing maybe to think about. Is it possible that watching this stuff won't be enough one day and you'll do what you fear and try and experience it?

Seeing as your life is so bound up with your girlfriends- I think you do need to talk to her about it. I wonder if this is something you may always have to a certain degree- it may just be about how you manage it.

I would have thought there are specialists in this kind of thing though. The main thing I imagine is that you want to stop it. You sound like a very considerate person. I'm sure your girlfriend appreciates the fact that you are trying to fight your 'demons'. I really hope you find a way through this without mutilating yourself.

 

[StillBreathing]

You have an addiction and can get help for it. The answer is partly in your first post, medication helped. Therapy might be the next step even though it is a sensitive topic to bring up.

 

[Shepherd's boy]

Do you think you will always be able to sate your need watching porn- or- does it feel like it is feeding the desire? I guess that is the main thing maybe to think about. Is it possible that watching this stuff won't be enough one day and you'll do what you fear and try and experience it?

Good question. Sometimes I feel that it is not enough and that is terrifying. It is like a game between me and my own body. My opponent has a monopoly on regulating organism's functions, but, on the other hand, I have conscious and an ability to think. Now it is winning and is happy about it, but he doesn't know about my next moves so I am in charge and I am controling the situation. It just don't know about possible conequenses of its actions and when we will both stand on the ruins of our life because of this, it would be too late, so I need to do something right now. This is my motivation. All this is very simillar to this scene.

 

[GasMonkey]

If you get castrated you will feel like shit for the rest of your life (due to not having T).
You will get depresion, osteoporosis, sleep disturbances, fat, gynecomastia, hot flashes, sweating, zero sex drive, no energy, inability to concentrate, etc.

 

[thevaccumguy]

Regardless of everything else, DO NOT CUT OFF YOUR BALLS BY YOURSELF. That is an absolutely terrible idea. Porn addiction is very very real, but you're looking at a world of pain and potential infections and whatnot. Try to visit a therapist , or at least a professional surgeon if you're dead set. Any kind of addiction is a disease and can be cured.

 

[Caoine01]

. I want to do all dirty job in the shower, sew up all incisions as nice as I can and then call an ambulance (it is free in our country) and gently ask them to help me to heal wounds properly. I think it is the best way to go,

From my point of view it does not sound as a CTB project, isn't it? But in fact it looks like you will execut CTB. It makes little sens to call an ambulante.