I been expecting really bad suicidal thoughts for 2 years now it s the 3 years and as the time goes I get better but I don't like it. I want to go back , why would I be happy. I don t understand . i Bet my friend wouldn't care if I am dead of alive anyway . let me go
A lot of people tend to dislike getting better because they're met with an unfamiliarity of betterness. If you're seeing signs of that then I would actually hold your thoughts of suicide and test the waters by waiting for a bit, it can feel very uncomfortable but you could actually end up enjoying the indifference of a life experience. But to
enjoy is unfamiliar for you, and it's confusing, but overall my experience-backed advice is to just let things happen first. This obviously isn't to discourage you, as it is your choice whether you want to end your life or not, but patience with yourself is also important and can definitely change your mind on it. Just because you'll probably end up having a different viewpoint on your own life doesn't mean you'll be a brainwashed person in a gray world, but on the contrary, the world is somewhat modified by your subjectivity and the human experience can change. It's pretty unfortunate that some people aren't able to experience this though, but you could be a lucky one.
